Where do I start?
New Rules
- ** **** **********
- ** **** ******* ******
- ***** **** *****
- *** *** ****** *** * *** ** **** ******
- **** ***** * *******
- **** ******* ** **** **** ****** *** ****** ***
Ok, so, that's just a rough draft. I'm not too worried. I won't remember what any of that means in an hour anyway, but as I work on it, I'll set it in stone. My rules in stone...they stay in stone. I'm sort of a prick like that.
Schadenfreude
We'll start with my father coming back from Florida. I'm glad he's back, it's good to see him. He's still a vicious pain in the ass. He doesn't even pause before fucking things up. The more he can ruin in a shorter period of time the more important he feels. Good for him. There is very little he can fuck up that I can't fix. Just more work for me.
I've spent entirely too much of my own money in general lately. I don't normally think very much about it. I know how much I have and I'm careful to not spend more than I can afford to. That doesn't necessarily mean I spend the money on what would normally be considered appropriate things. I shudder at the tab I've run up in comic books shops, go-go bars, and a variety of online sites which "sell" everything from french new wave DVD's to the ability to track down the phone numbers and birth certificates of anyone in the country to the rare treat of watching some girl who probably should have stayed in school dance around in her underwear. Not to mention the tabs I've picked up at the bar, dinner with the church kids, and two ridiculous bachelor parties. Add to that the outstanding loans and dropping money on random bums, beggars, and charities and we're quickly approaching a rather obscene number before we even get into mortgages, insurance, and utilities. So yeah, I've spent entirely too much money lately. Know what I'm going to do about it? That's right. Nothing. Can't take it with you, and even if you could what the fuck would you do with it?
I've been pretty steady in the heady lately. A few moments of random insanity, a few fights with myself, but other than that...cool as a cucumber. Even when I'm all fucked up. I just need to regulate a little bit and I'll be doing as good as I ever do. Just need to sort some shit before it gets hot out. Just need to get some sleep.
Though I be sane, I be shot. A crude idea has surfaced in my head as of late. One which I have successfully fought off, but which keeps floating back up. I'm not ready to rip it apart and analyze it just yet, in part because I keep hoping it will go away, in part because I hope certain things will happen which make it irrelevant. It's a certain kind of salvation that sinners like me search for. It's a near certainty we never find it. And even if we did...what would we do with it?
I find the abyss in different places than I used to. There used to be days, and places, and people that sent me there. It's different now. There are days, and places, and people that drag me out. It's a nice thought. Comforting. But what's even greater is that I can control it myself. I can stop the descent, and I can climb out on my own. In part it's because I know that though I may not see them, or even talk to them as much as I would like, there are people out there. People who care, people who I can count on. Just knowing they are there let's me handle my shit all by myself.
But it's not quite so simple.
Sometimes I seek the darkness only so that I may appreciate the light.
I know, I'm a fool.
But...
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