The Rain

"We pay for our sins. In this life, or the next, it's a debt we must settle someday. We've sinned more than most boys, so if today is that day, so be it. We've done a lot of wrong in our time, so if this is our reckoning, let's do some right before we go. Stand your ground. Fight like men. I'll see you on the other side." - T.O. Hob, The Reckoning

It had already been too long of a day when I walked out into the sunlight. And as I took those first few steps I watched as the world grew dark. I was tired and angry, and not altogether conscious of what was going on around me.

The drums welled up in the distance, their staccato beat a measuring stick for my brief journey. Their fifth beat brought the rain. Hot and wet it beat the pavement around me in large languid drops. Instead of retreating to shelter I moved forward.

I made my way towards sunlight and I smiled as it seemed to be making its way towards me, as if it was willing to meet me half way. Step after step, beat after beat, drop after drop, we came closer together. And then I reached the fence.

The sunlight.

I stood there in the rain, pressed up against the gate, mere inches from those rays of sun...and
it reminded me of something Hob might have said once, or maybe it was me...

I can't stop the rain, and I can't make the sun come out. But I can tell you it's only water, and there are worse things than getting wet.

I spend half of every day scared shitless of what comes next and I spend the other half trying to figure out how to avoid it.

I think the only thing that is keeping me together right now is ...

Stop. I'm gone. I swear, I'm gone. I'm a fucking ghost. I was never here in the first place.

Three times in my life now I have stood at the bottom of a mountain and tried to figure out how to get to the top. Twice I've pulled it off, twice I've stood at the summit and said, "Shit. So this is what I've been working for?"

It's a cycle . Sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours, and sometimes the sun shines so bright it's fucking glorious.

Though it may be dark and cloudy now, I know that someday the rain will stop. Someday the sun will come out again. And when it does...I will be standing right there to see it.

The Pause

"It could be worse I suppose, it could be just the same old bullshit." - Palomba

"And there it is, the careful pause you place in your rhythm to lull people into believing that the brilliant thing you are about to say was thought of just now and not polished and preened over until you reach that point where to not share it with your audience would be a veritable crime."- T.O Hob's Ruse

How far they come in just a moment, moving forward at a speed we'd forgotten existed. They needn't slow down though, only exercise a bit of caution.

Last night I had a wicked dream of an unfamiliar place, a cold dark place populated by a blind and silent people. In this place I wandered, lost in the memory of sound and light.

I dreamt I was in a car and driving down a familiar street that I had never seen before. It left me wondering about a good many things, such as why I was here in the first place when I could have been in so many other places that had no resemlance to a place I used to love. There were people I knew and in the brief moment before the dream shifted I knew that I was only there to see them. And suddenly the familiar became the well known, and I was in the midst of old plots and well worn plans.

I felt them. Those who have left me behind. I knew they were well, and had now given me leave to move on myself.

There is still time.

There is still work to be done.

And as the screams fill my ears with those familiar haunting noises...I stop and wonder. How many times can you hear the voices that never were?

I'm Leaving But I Don't Know Where To

"So i’m up at dawn
puttin’ on my shoes
i just wanna make
a clean mistake
i’m leavin’ but i don’t know where to
no I’m leaving but i don’t know where to." - Bright Eyes, Walk Away

"They say God works in mysterious ways. I don't think so. I think God's perfectly obvious and we're just too thick to notice." - T.O. Hob

"I guess I'm lucky. At least God buys me dinner before he fucks me." - Lazarus Jones


I knew it. I swear I knew it before it happened. When I woke up yesterday morning I knew tonight would be my last show. I felt great yesterday, I was excited about a bunch of things. I had ideas, I had my shit going so to speak. I was almost a year clear of everything , busting my ass at work, and beginning to plan some new things for my life...kind of.


Then I started thinking...and I knew it was over.

Tonight was the last show at WRSU for Matt and I.

Oddly enough I was ok with that.

I'd rather have somewhere to go now that we're done, but I'll figure out what's next as I go.

See like a lot of people I constantly look back on my regrets, but I can honestly say there's not a single thing I regret doing during my time at WRSU. There are more than a few things I regret not doing, but so what? It was fun.

I would say thank you, say that you don't know what it all meant to me...but I'm afraid you just might. And thanks anyway.

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I don't smile enough.

I need to work on that.

And now I'll have a little extra time to do just that.

Pervert: Or The Story of The Little Girl Who Liked Women: Or The Road To Joy: Or Palomba Finally Flips His Lid: Or Oh Fuck It Here's The Entry

"No one's sure how all of this got started, but we're gonna make them god damn certain how it's gonna end." - Bright Eyes, The Road To Joy

"Perfection is wasted on me..." - Palomba

"I like her lips. And she's got great hair. Sometimes in the morning she has it up in a pony-tail, and then I see her later in the day and she's letting it hang down. I wonder then if she's been fucking. I would ask her if she's been fucking but that might be rude. I'd ask her if she'd like to fuck, but that would definitely be rude." - T.O. Hob, On Urges

"Even though this story is that of a woman who had to seek professional help, it is largely typical." - How Feminine Psychology Works, from The Pictorial Medical Guide (c.1955)

I think all the days are catching up to me and I might just be ready to fall apart.

I worked about 19 hours on Friday on only an hour and a half of sleep. It left me dazed and with only three hours to go before work on Saturday I think I spent the middle hours in a wandering state. My head just wasn't there. And somehow my computer paid for it. I clicked the wrong button to close down a window and ended up with a nasty virus. I've been trying to shake it ever since. On top of that I've been kind of sick.

I've got a bad idea running through my head and I can't seem to shake that either. It sounds like such a good god damn idea but somehow I think everyone (myself included) would be better off if I just forgot about it. It could be so great though...it's tough to fight the good ones, but necessary sometimes.

The Phantom of the Opera comes out on DVD tomorrow. I will most definitely be buying it, and since I've got the twitches and can feel that feeling of impending doom I might just need it.

I'm getting the picture I'm slightly broken, but don't know what to do to fix it.

I spent Saturday afternoon (in between work of course) helping Crago move (five god damn flights of stairs you fucker) and then I bought my cousins dinner and moved some more furniture. It was the best day I've had in a really long time.

I spent Sunday working...and sleeping...and working.

And then more strangeness.

I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. I had that feeling you have when you dream really great dreams but can't remember what they were about. It's just a good feeling, a great feeling, a feeling so irrational that nothing rational can get you down.

I like it.

I hope it lasts a bit.

"I don't want my light to guide me. I just want to leave little bits of it everywhere I go, like better men before me, so that everyone else can see where I've been and follow along the way." -Palomba