Murder Most Foul?

I found a dead body tonight.

Yeah...

Today was one of those days.

It started out tough, we were already short people and so many people just didn't show up this morning that we all ended up on the road. I didn't even have a proper dispatcher (not that I usually do).

Tonight was the contractor's association dinner, which means I got to sit and listen to people talk for 3 hours about something I think about all day long. Then I get to listen to all the other rich folk complain about how bad they have it. Then I smile and bullshit just like everyone else. It is what it is.

We had a few drinks there, then went out. Ended up at some shit strip club which we literally paid the cover for, went in for less than a minute, and walked the fuck out. The cover wasn't cheap. It was just that bad.

We ended up at some other go-go type place (which isn't usually my cup of tea) but this one was sort of fun. I actually enjoy it more when the girls in these places don't take their clothes off. It makes me much less uncomfortable. I'm sort of strange like that.

Tim had to piss. I wouldn't let him go in my house since I was ill just before we went to dinner and I wasn't sure the bathroom was completely clean.

I know that's disgusting, but it plays an important part in what happens next. I was planning on going by the yard to check up on things, but since we were both exhausted we were thinking of skipping it. Since Tim had to piss I figured we'd stop anyway.

Once we locked up I drove around the corner to check on the garage like I always do. And as I rounded the corner there he was.

There was a red Ford Taurus parked on the side of the road. There's often cars there in the middle of the night. Guys smoking dope, people learning to drive, pervs looking for a quite place to get off. But I could see something was wrong from a block and a half away. There was someone laying next to the car.

My first thought was that someone broke down and was working half under their car, but as I drew closer I saw that the guy was face down facing away from the car. My next thought was that the guy was playing possum, waiting for someone to stop for help so he could jack them. But it looked like I drove past that the guy was dead still, with his pants around his ankles.

I should have stopped right then and checked on him, but you can't do that in Paterson. So we called 911. To their credit the cops where there in less than five minutes, probably because they were sitting around the corner with no clue what was going on.

I heard the cop calling in his codes and I knew the guy was dead. Three more cop cars, two detectives, a fire department paramedic and an emergency paramedic all showed up. The responding officer asked that we wait for the detective to talk to us. We grabbed a seat in the garage...and waited for nearly an hour.

Turns out the cops think the guy died of natural causes, can't really explain how he ended up over there, can't really explain the pants being off. But they're pretty sure it wasn't anything foul.

So basically we're witness to a guy laying in the street.

And it took an hour for us to say just that.

Shit... I need some sleep.

I Always Say If You Have One Hot Dog With Ketchup And One Hotdog With Ketchup And Relish You Should...

...eat the one with Ketchup first. Otherwise what do you have to look forward to?

For the second time in a month I had someone offer me a puppy. I have no use for a puppy, nowhere to keep it, no one to watch it while I work.

Both times I accepted.

Neither time did I actually get a puppy.

There are very few things in life as depressing as missing out on a free puppy.

I made an offer on the house I live in today. I was turned down. It was quite the bummer. It probably means I'm out of a place to live in the next few months.

I've been doing everything I could to keep this business on its feet. Other people are doing everything they can to tear it down. I'm still winning, but my old man is ready to give up. It probably means I'm out of a job in the next few months.

I have no nerve when it comes to certain things. I'm afraid I may never get anywhere with her. It probably means I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

No home. No job. No girl.

No puppy.

Shit.

So...why am I still smiling?

Potential baby, potential.

For the first time in a long time, I don't know what's going to happen next. I love it.

Maybe I'll find another house, or maybe my landlord will change his mind, or maybe a million friggin other things will happen. It's not the end of the world...and even if it was that would mean I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

So what if I'm out of a job? If I could love doing this I can love doing anything. I'm smart, funny, a good guy all around. I've got a little money put away, I can spend some time working on me. Lose a shitload of weight, go back and get my masters, spend more time with my family and my friends. Maybe I even come out of this with a nice compensation package, enough to start my own business. Shit...maybe the old man loses his nerve, or starts to believe in me, and I get to keep on trying to straighten this joing out. Whatever right?

The personal life...ha, well, hey. Can't win them all, right? Or can you? Why should now be different then any other point in my life? I can give you a million reasons. I'll just have to try harder, or even try at all. I know it won't just sort itself out, but when was the last time I just gave up on anything? There's still time...still plenty of time.

And as far as that other matter goes...I'll just have to wait till someone offers me another puppy.

My Name Is Yon Yonson, I Work In Wisconsin.

"My name is Yon Yonson,
I work in Wisconsin.
I work in a lumbermill there.
The people I meet when I walk down the street,
They say, "What's your name?"
And I say..." indigneous Wisconsin poem repeated in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five

Wow.

Last night was brief, but fun. I still find it odd that we're on a hugging basis with the waitress at the bar we frequent on Friday nights, and it still bothers me being hugged, but how do you say no to someone who brings you alchol?

This morning I was up early trying to stamp out another one of my father's horrible ideas. I failed miserably and was rather miserable because of it. He's 67 years old. If he is hellbent on ruining the only decent things he's done in his life then I guess he's earned that right. Comforting fact: He's back in Florida now, and somewhat out of the way. Discomforting fact: He chose the slowest week all year to come back. The busiest time of the year is coming up. He refuses to acknowledge this. I went home miserable and tried to get some sleep.

I fall asleep. Ten seconds later my phone rings. My landlord is calling to tell me he's thinking of selling the house I live in. There's no guarantee the new owner will allow me to stay on. I say that's ok, because I'm looking to buy a house of my own. He asks if I want to buy this one. There was a point, prior to his offer where I thought of asking him if he would sell me the house. Now I'm not so sure I want it. Still... I seriously consider buying it. An hour worth of phonecalls later I'm ready to make an offer...first thing Monday because now I'm going to sleep.

I intended to do laundry this afternoon as I have no clean clothes, and hoped to visit my youngest brother for his first reconciliation. Instead I got a call at noon (not an twenty minutes after I'd finally gotten to sleep) saying Ridgewood had forgotten to book a bus for their girls lacrosse team and had a busload of kids sitting out front of the school waiting to be picked up by a bus that wasn't coming. (point in fact it wasn't really a busload since they didn't have a bus, it was more of a cluster but you get the point).

I being the gentleman that I am drop what I am doing (which was sleeping) and speed over to Ridgewood. I pick up the girls and off we go.

I'd forgotten how alive seventeen year old girls are. I still can't recall why that's important.

Cut to me spending five hours sitting in the bus in Randolph reading Slaughterhouse Five and listening to Boston on my iPod (don't ask). I finally manage to fall asleep when I hear the team coming out of the building. It's funny how loud teenage girls can be. Have I mentioned how alive seventeen year old girls seem? And how dead that made me feel?

I haul ass back to Paterson, but I've missed everything. I get a little more work done. Deal with some more problems. Go visit the family for a bit. Go back to work.

It's now way too late to do laundry. I still haven't slept. I head to the store intending to buy some clothes so I can at least go out tonight. The store is closed...an hour early. There are still people inside, but they will not let me in. I am big and tall...I can not shop anywhere else.

I go home...almost defeated.

Now I am not going out, but at least I can sleep. I lay down. The phone rings. I go back to work. It is midnight. I lay down. The phone rings. I go back to work. It is 1:30 A.M. I lay down. 45 minutes later the phone rings. I do not answer. I have a voicemail. I feel guilty so I check it. An old friend is in trouble. I'll leave out the name, but here's the message.

"Chris, it's *****...call me."

I call him back right away. He doesn't answer I leave a message.

"***** yeah, it's Chris. Two minutes after you called me. If it's important call me right back, if not, it's nearly 2:30 in the morning so leave me alone."

I hang up. I lay down. The phone rings.

Abbreviated conversation transcript.

Me: What's up?
Him: I need a favor.
Me: Yeah?
Him: I fell asleep in my car with this girl and the cops won't let us go unless someone comes and gets us.
Me: Ha. Where are you?
Him: I'm in Morristown with this girl from Boonton and we need to get to Parsippany.
Me: Ha. Yeah, I'm on my way.

I cover the 45 minutes to Morristown in less than 30. Pick them up and shoot over to a grocery store parking lot in Parsippany. I drop them. I take my time heading home. It's now 4 A.M. It's already time to go back to work. I go. I rush. I head home. It's a quarter after five.

I am exhausted, I stink.

I have not slept, I have not done laundry. I am "scheduled" to work sixteen hours today.

Fuck it.

I'm going to sleep...and when I wake up I'll work on the stinking thing.

Who gives a shit if the whole place goes to pot. I've got more important things to do right now...like sleep.

So it goes...

The Masked Ninja Rides Again

"I must confess I am less than admirable when it comes to sword fighting, but I do have wicked skills with the nun-chuks." - The Masked Ninja

I used to dream of ghosts.

When I was a young boy, much more of a boy then I should ever care to admit, I often found myself lost in the fantasies that made up my character. I dreamed of the strange, the bizarre, the horrific, but also the splendid, the divine, the simply amazing. I was a dreamer. And that, perhaps, is where I was lost...in that I dreamed.

Now so much of that is gone. Where I used to see mysteries I now see questions, where I used to seek answers I now see solutions. I loved those mysteries, I loved looking for those answers. I truly wanted to know simply because I wanted to know, now I see solutions so that I don't have to keep looking for the answers. I've run out of time, except that all I have is time. It would seem I have simply forgotten how to use it.

I have found the means and forgotten the ends.

And though I watched so carefully all the things which have had their places in my life, I so rarely saw them that you would think me blind. Why should I see all these things in life, when I had already seen in fantastic dreams that which made them merely inferior?

We are not a fantastic people. We are very rarely people at all. Be we cut from marble or cast in gold, be we bathed in light or drowned in a certain darkness...no we are very rarely people at all.

Does that stop us, or even slow us on our way?

Not I.

I am enamored, in love if you will. For that I am eternally grateful. She will never know, and for that I am eternally damned. It is not the love I have often known, it is not the love I have shared with so many, not the sort of love I have been afraid to declare before. It is a special sort of love, one which will not be belittled by its nature. God that I could only say those words.

If we always watch, and never see, then we may be wiser, but are we better? Are we?

I have watched far too much for far too many differing reasons and never for the proper reason alone. I have failed to discover the purpose of watching them. Before anything else, that must change. Before anything else I must improve on that.

I will live with less reason so that I may enjoy the purpose.

I will begin right now...

And tomorrow I will watch the sun...simply so that I may see it.

"O Rose thou art sick,
the invisible worm
that flies in the night
in the howling storm
has found out thy bed of secret joy,
and his dark secret love
does thy life destroy." - William Blake, The Sick Rose

History In The Making

"If 13's unlucky then 12 and 14 are guilty by association." - Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

Well hey...

I mean hey.

For a minute there I thought this week was going to work, suck, but work. Boy was I wrong. So today was an unmitigated disaster. Monday and Tuesday were bad, but we were so on top of everything that we stopped it from being so much worse. Today just didn't pan out like that. We dropped the ball, so when everyone else fucked up we couldn't save them.

I'm finishing up reading James Swanson's Manhunt, which turned out to be a surprisingly fantastic book. I really enjoyed it.

I've worked too much these past few days, and the truth is it's got me feeling a bit sick. There are entirely too many people who suck in this line of work, entirely too many people who just don't give a shit. No matter what you do for them, they fuck you over. It's just how it is. One minute they love you, one minute you're a complete bastard. All that matters too them is what you'll do for them. It doesn't seem to make a difference whether or not they've earned it, whether or not they deserve it. They just don't get it.

I've got a job, I'm looking at buying a house, I'm finally getting my head together. All I need now is a family...holy shit. Look where I ended up. I'm finally at the point in my life where all I need now is to not be alone...and just a little more time. Ain't that something? Despite it all, I'm getting there.