Why Never Is A Funny Word...

"Factitious...funny word isn't it? Fak-teesh-us, doesn't exactly roll right off the tongue now does it?" - Laz Jones

Why do you haunt me? Can't you just leave me be? I've gone down into the darkness just to get away from you...but you're still there. I just can't see you as clearly.

I think that makes it worse.

I said never. Never would I sink so low to think of it all again. I was over that. I was past it. I was moving on.

I'd blocked myself out from so many things, kept myself safely tucked away in the corners of mine own mind. I was a wall.

Somewhere along the line you spend so much time with certain people in certain places that you begin to think the only things you have in common are the places themselves, and then, when you lose the place you lose the people.

They have to go somewhere.

I'd sealed off that place, the hole where I leave all the people I used to know, and tried not to pay it much thought. I descended into the darkness. Never bothering to come up for air.

As things begin to change I feel I need a breath. Just one.

But as I come up through that chamber, as I leave the darkness behind, they are all waiting. I see them there and I know.

I miss them.

Never.

I've always been too scared to try.

I was afraid before. I'm afraid now.

Someday I won't be...

Alright, Ok?

"That man's got his head so far up his ass that what he's thinking depends on where he's sitting." - T.O. Hob

It's all about finishing our parts. Ending things in a way which people will remember, because if no one remembers your part in the story they probably won't remember you. This is where we try too hard. Where we struggle. Where we fail.

Maybe there's more to it.

Maybe we do what we do, we say what we say, and we leave whether or not we're remembered to the people who are doing the remembering. It only seems fair.

"A little advice from an old soul; you're doing just fine." - T.O. Hob's Promise

"The words fall fallow from my mouth,
their deaths a sight to see.
The silence of a beating heart,
a gift for you from me." - Epistocles

The Office

"Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace." - Michael Scott (Steve Carrel), The Office

You gotta love a job that lets you spread your wings right up until the point where the fucking ceiling fan leaves you with bloody feathery little stumps...uh, yeah, long day.

So I've been watching the American version of The Office, and I really thought I wasn't going to like it because I liked the British version so much, but surprisingly I thought it was just as good in a really different sort of way.

Here's the thing, I watched the British version before I worked in an office on a daily basis, and of course my office is nothing like the one in the show, and the people I work with are nothing like the ones on the show, but...I got it before, and I really get it now.

Today was one of those days.

Since I've begun running my company a lot of things have actually changed. We follow the rules now. We take advantage of current technology. We're working to make our workplace safer, stronger, and just plain better. But that's all bullshit...what have I really done?

When faced with rising healthcare costs I managed to find a health insurance plan that costs less, covers more, and allows me to contribute a significant percentage without costing the company ridiculously more. I found other options, we offer supplemental insurance now and have enrolled in a pre-tax Cafeteria plan.

The average employee makes $1 more per hour since I took over, and I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but to some people it is. To some people it really is. The average employee has the opportunity to work more hours per week, which means they have the opportunity to make more money. I make sure to buy the office staff lunch once or twice a month, pick up coffee or breakfast on occassion, take a bunch of drivers out for a nice meal at the end of the summer season. I get angry, but I never really yell at anyone. Hell I hardly even reprimand anyone. People get away with a ridiculous amount of shit. It's sort of a job perk.

Some places pay a little more per hour than us, but they offer fewer hours. Some places offer a few more hours than us, but they pay less per hour. We're right in the middle, which is a nice place to be until you realize that no one really aims for the middle. It makes it real tough to find new employees and since this is a business of ridiculous turnover it means we're often short handed. But the way we're set up works out best for the people who work for us, and anyone smart enough to join up. People just don't always realize it. They always think we're out to screw them, they don't understand that the better they do the better we do. Either that or they just don't care.

It's tough to talk to people who don't care, particulary when you can't blame them for not caring. It's a pretty shitty job, and while the pay is good for what they're doing it's still not great. You can't help them help themselves because they don't want help, and they don't really want to help themselves. Some of them are there for reasons out of their control, but some of them are their because, you guessed it, they just don't care.

So I did some good things, what difference does it make? To differing degrees some of those things would have happened without me. It doesn't change the way people look at me. Some people don't like me because I'm not my father, others don't like me because I'm me. None of them really like me all that much. Doesn't matter what I do for them. They're never happy.

They want to get paid more per hour, get paid for more hours, but work fewer hours.

People have always been paid for more hours than they worked at the company. Some people work 45 minutes and get paid for 2 hours. Others work for 1 hour and 45 minutes and get paid for 3 1/2 hours. It was getting a little out of hand. So this year in an attempt to clean things up a little my father asked me to cut a half hour off of certain runs. So for runs that run less than two hours the most we'll pay is three hours. Still seems like a pretty good deal. So here's what I did...I took a half hour off of the runs in question. It only affected five people, so what I did was I gave those five people bigger raises than everyone else. Which means they'll make the same amount of money for doing the same amount of work. They're still not putting in the hours they're getting paid for. They argue anyway. I understand of course, it's just that they never do.

To top it all off today my god damn secretary (who has always gotten away with just being bad at her job) is now being downright destructive. She's in a position where she knows a lot of things that we don't need for every one of the 170 other employees to know, yet somehow she can't keep her mouth shut. She hurts us so much more than she helps us. And everybody knows it now. It's one of many things that need to be addressed.

"Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train." - Jim Halpert (John Krasinski), The Office

I think I like The Office because I like the characters. People look at them and they relate a little to the characters, as extremes, as characterizations of people they know. I just kind of think they'd be cool people to work with. There are days where I wish that I worked at a god damn paper company instead of running the company I do.

The people that work with me aren't like the people in The Office and I'm not like the bosses in The Office. They think too much of themselves and not enough of the people that work for them. I don't think very much of anyone.

David Brent and Michael Scott are assholes, they're lonely bitter assholes. A bit like me in that regard, but unlike me they take it out on other people, both intentionally and unintentionally. I just hurt myself.

I don't know.

I wish there were more people my age at my job. Wish there were more people who I could talk to. Wish there were just different people I suppose.

"No I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don't have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I'm a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I've had since yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies." - Tim Canterbury (Martin Freeman), The Office

You can't win. It's just not possible. But I guess you can try.

No matter what happens you see yourself as the good guy, and everybody else sees you as the bad guy. Doesn't matter how good or how bad you really are. So you hunt for the middle ground, because in the end that's all there really is.

Bosses...

Yeah we're all shit, but that just might be our job. And if we can figure out a way to help everyone without hurting anyone...well then we'd just be slightly less catastrophic failures, and everyone will hate us just as much.

We try too hard, and can never really do enough. We're resigned to our fates, even if we don't realize it. We're different, but not so much.

So I guess there's just a little David Brent, and a little Michael Scott in all of us bosses...but hopefully that's all there is...just a little.

"Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs." - David Brent (Ricky Gervais), The Office

The Curious Dilemma Of T.O. Hob

"He doesn't exist you know. Not like me and you, not like all of them. He's something different altogether. Something...magical." - T.O. Hob, On God

"Ditto." - God, On Hob

I wish that things could have been different. Wish that I wasn't always who I am. I made my decisions a long time ago, set out my groundwork, and rolled with it. I have my morals, have my way, and I wouldn't force it on anyone. Hell most days I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it is what it is, and I am what I am.

I am decidedly not at a crossroads. In fact I'm sort of crusing comfortably down the slow road to nowhere. But stuck in this unrelenting holding pattern I find a place where...well, where things slow down.

Uh...ok. Yeeaahh...here's the thing.

You know, the thing...the thing is....

Ah...the thing.

Talk about timing.

Nothing happened last night that put me in the mood I'm in today. There were no surprises that put me off tilt. I did not see anyone who I did not expect to see. Nothing happened. Nothing.

And still I think these things, my head sent spinning down a path that...

Well...no, no. Actually, um, that's not quite what happened...

You see, well no, of course you don't. I mean, how could you?

Let me explain.

I'm moving in a week, giving me another way to mark off a year. And while I was beginning to pack up I began to think and I realized that it will soon be a year since I last saw a lot of people. I don't like that, of course I don't like that. And that's what...got me...started.

Maybe not...maybe that wasn't it.

So many markers have been passed, and so many more I'll pass by eventually. Places I wonder if I'll ever get to. I'd like to see London someday. Paris too. Maybe even Rome. Rome...can you imagine that? Just need someone to go with me I suppose. I suppose that's it...

Or maybe it isn't...maybe it's that...

I've been thinking...and I think that's killing me.

My Maserati Does One-Eighty-Five

"Give me eight shots of Jameson."

"You're kidding."

"No. No I'm not."

Well...

Two nights in New Brunswick and I remember a little bit of why I loved that place.

It wasn't with the same people, it wasn't in the same places, but any night in a bar in New Brunswick makes me feel sort of nostalgic. I know... it doesn't take much.

Maybe it's the sounds (a city that's not quite a city), maybe it's the alcohol (expensive and watered down), maybe it's the women (always beautiful). But a bar in New Brunswick is a special place, and when I can work up the intestinal fortitude to stomach crowds of people for a awhile I enjoy them immensely.

Last night Jere, House and I headed down to JJ's (Not one of the old Brunswick bars, it opened right before I graduated) to hear Gonzo play with his band. I've seen quite a few iterations of Gonzo's band and this one may just be the best. Nevertheless we were merciless in a good natured sort of way.

At some point, between buying $100 worth of Jameson shots (Palomba & Co. killing bottles of mediocre whiskey everywhere we go since 1999) and trying not to ogle the pretty girls someone drunk ended up saying something that was actually pretty poignant, we drank to it. And then we drank to beautiful women, questionable sexuality, ceiling fans, and finally boobs.

It still all seemed remarkably dignified.

"Yeah Gonzo! Yeah Pat! Yeah....other guy on drums whose name I don't remember." - The Forgetful Chant

"Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!" - The Guys making up for The Forgetful Chant.

Jere and House were plastered, and hysterical, and since it was pretty much all Gonzo's friend in the bar no one really cared much. One guy asked me, "Are you ever embarrased to take them places?" To which I laughed and replied, "They ain't heavy."

When we stumbled out of the bar just after two in the morning, our ears ringing and having drunk our fill I was unable to avoid the wave of nostalgia that comes with any New Brunswick night. The fact that I'd been there two nights in a row for the first time in over a year made it all the tougher.

We hit the Grease Trucks after last call, and stood around drinking warm soda and eating sandwiches so violently unhealthy that surviving them is something of a religious experience.

I finshed my food and headed away from the guys to throw out my garbage, and then I wandered. Out towards College Ave. I stood there, for the first time in a long time, staring at a place I'd spent so much time in and wondering about all the different people I'd met there. It was tough for a minute, but beautiful in that way that only memories can be.

I wandered back over to the guys only to find one of them pissing on the side of a building, the other trying to piss into a soda can.

The people and places change...but some things stay eerily familiar.

Yeah, that's right.

My Maserati? It does one eighty five...

Do You Grok?

Well...

Yesterday was a pretty shitty day. Not a whole lot went right back at work, and though it wasn't busy it wasn't quiet. It was boring. Then again even when it's exciting it isn't interesting. There were more problems which are symptomatic of working with your family. More rifts and divisions, differences of opinions and fissions in moral fiber. It wasn't fun. It simply reminded me that I rarely feel better at the end of a workday then I felt when I started.

But then again there were those things which reminded me it's not important how much you're up at the end of the third quarter, but if you're in the lead at the end of the game.

By 5:00 P.M. I'd been in three arguments, a near fistfight, been mocked, ignored, and basically abused. I'd collected my daily parking ticket from the Fair Lawn PD, my credit card number had been stolen and someone was charging random things to my account, I felt like hell in general. My kid brother was stirring shit up at work, and my father was siding with him even though we both knew the kid was wrong. A long list of employees had a longer list of complaints. One of my managers was out and the guys filling in were not pulling their weight. My father was doing his best to lock me out of decisions which I have become the only one capable of making...and the results were so disastrous that it was making even him a little bit nervous. I was still in the early phases of righting a month's worth of wrongs, and not exactly making brilliant progress.

It was one of those rare days that saves me the trouble of beating the hell out of myself.

By 7:00 P.M. I was on my way south to do a radio show I didn't really feel like doing. I actually considered for a moment calling out, but I haven't been the one to call of a show in nearly two years. I didn't plan on starting then.

I was ripping down the parkway listening to the same song over and over again and somewhere between Exit 155 and Exit 129 I realized what a beautiful day it was.

I have a job. A good job. It's a lot of work, not very rewarding, and certainly not very glamorous. But I like it...it's very "me."

I have friends. Not many, certainly not as many as I used to. Most of them are dicks, but then again so am I.

I have a place to live. A nice place. I've got a real kitchen to cook in so I don't have to order out every night, a backyard to BBQ in so I can actually invite people over more, and a driveway to park in so I don't have to get anymore of those god damn parking tickets.

I have a history, a past. There are people I used to see that I don't, things I used to do that I can't, and places where I would go that I won't. For the first time ever there are significant people in my life that I no longer see. Some who have died or moved away, others who I've simply lost touch with. There are things and places that I have loved that I don't need anymore. They served their purpose, and now they're empty to me. They've found someone else. I have a past which means that at some point I had a future, and gives me pause enough to realize that I may just have one yet again.

So when I arrived in New Brunswick and marched into the WRSU Studio I was feeling pretty damn good. We didn't plan out our show we just hung around and bullshit till it was time to go on the air, and then once we were on we just kept rolling with it. It was, by far, the best show Corey and I have ever done. It was right up there with the best shows Matt and I ever did. It was interesting, it was funny, and most of all it was fun.

When I arrived where I was going I felt a million times better then when I had left home, and when I walked out of that studio last night I felt a million times better then when I had walked in. I don't remember most of the ride home, I was thinking out loud and writing in my head and just having a grand old time.

I'm not sure how I did it, and I don't really remember any of it, but I know that at some point I got off the Parkway and a few hours later ended up outside of the bus yardwhen I'd really intended to go home.

I stood their for a few minutes thinking...and smiling.

You see, I've always known this, but I've never been able to put it into words. Something Corey said last night set it right for me, he said (with little malice) that I was "dishonest" because I can say two things at once, because I can put something out there toy with it, take it back, and put it back out there again meaning something completely different. Or something like that. And last night standing outside the bus yard I found a new one.

How you get there is not nearly as important as where you end up, but sometimes how you get there is the most interesting part.

Grok?

What is Ghostbusters?

"I should think that if people were to get the wrong impression of me, the one to which you so eloquently refer, it wouldn't be the wrong impression in the slightest. " -Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Velvet Goldmine

Where to begin?

So Sunday night (Monday morning) after I posted I was wracked by that vicious sensation which told me it would not be a good idea to go to sleep...so I didn't. Instead I stayed up all night watching movies. I finished the morning off with Velvet Goldmine, a movie which always surprises me. I've never been sure whether or not it was a good movie, but I always knew I liked it. It has some of my favorite actors (Christian Bale, Ewan McGregor), one of my favorite comedians (Eddie Izzard) and is based in part on the careers of one of my favorite musicians (David Bowie). But there's something else about the movie which makes me enjoy it, I just can't put my finger on it.

So then, completely exhausted I went back to work for the first time in about a month and put in over 14 hours. Typical.

I fell asleep pretty easily that night. And when I did I dreamed. So much of my old dreams were back, it was great. One particular stands out in my mind. I'm in this bar, a nice little place I know I've never seen, but which still felt familiar. I can't really see anybody else in the bar although I know there's people at the tables. Even the bartender is sort of a blur. But there's this guy sitting next to me at the bar, and though I've never seen him before I know he's a friend. And then as we're talking I realize there are two girls sitting next to him. And I know we're with them. Within a second I remember everything, who the guy is where we met the girls, how we were all working on a project together in class, and how we were all just hanging out getting a drink, shooting the shit. We were friends, and suddenly the entire bar was clear. I could see everybody...except I really knew these people. And two of the bartenders at bars I hung out at in school were there. It was all just strange, but great. All my dreams that night were great. Just...great.

Tuesday I signed the lease on my new place, the first floor of a two family house that is entirely too much space for me, but still fantastic, and absolutely perfect for my Labor Day BBQ. (If you know me you're invited.)

Did my show with Goldberg on Tuesday night. It was fun.

Started taking the photos of all 160 of my employees for their new photo ID's which will be extremely bootleg.

Finally got the tire on my car fixed...again.

Went to court in Butler where I sat for nearly three hours sorting through a ticket I shouldn't have gotten.

I get there and go into the courtroom. The place is crowded so I grab a seat on the only mostly empty bench. Down the other end is a very pretty girl and her boyfriend. I talk to the prosecutor and he tells me I need to see him in his office which means I have to get on the really long line to see him in the office. He tells the pretty girl the same thing.

So I head out into the hallway and get on the end of the line. A few minutes later she gets on line right behind me. She's frustrated and wanders back into the courtroom. She comes back into the hallway and makes a very general statement, to which every single man in the hallway (except me) responds. Everyone is suddenly an expert in New Jersey traffic law. There's ten guys trying to talk to her and she finally gets flustered and walks to the back of the line by me. She smiles politely as she gets back in line and I smile back. A minute later a creepy cracked out looking guy (who was in on a drunk and disorderly charge) starts motioning to the girl, saying "Come on. Come up here. Come on, you can cut in line." He's laying it on pretty thick. The girl looks at me and the guy in front of me, we kind of shrug. It's pretty obvious the girl would be better off not going near this guy, but she'd probably be saving herself about an hour by moving up on line. Finally she decides to move up front. And this guy doesn't stop ogling her the entire time their on line. He's talking to her a lot and she's trying to make conversation but you can tell she'd rather her boyfriend step in and say something but the kid is way out of his league and mostly just wanders around outside. Every once and awhile she looks back at the growing line and seems to wonder if it's worth moving to the back. I'm not sure anyone was all too fond of the creepy guy. He got his though. The girl went in to see the prosecutor, and then the judge recessed before the creepy guy could get in. The guy had to wait over an hour to get done...of course all of us on line behind him did too.

I got the ticket waived, only paid the court fees. 'Course it took three hours.

On the way back I stop at the record store and pick up a half dozen CD's including the new Johnny Cash Box Set, the new Best of Iggy Pop, the Best of the Violent Femmes, Green Days International Super Hits, the Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack, and the newest Yellowcard.

I stop and get an orange slurpee.

And while in 7-11 I get the "make my day worthwhile story."

I'm buying the new Entertainment Weekly with Bill Murray on the cover. As the counter guy is ringing me up he looks at the magazine and goes, "The new Supreme Court Justice?" I started dying. Laughing my ass off. Not because of the guys mistake, but because the thought of Bill Murray as a Supreme Court Justice is so great it's hilarious. I spent five minutes explaining to the guy that the new justice will be John Roberts, and then who Bill Murray is. When I'm finished he looks at me and goes, "Bill Murray...Politically Incorrect?" And I said "No, no that's Bill Maher. Bill Murray was in Ghostbusters." The guy goes, "Yes! Yes! Ghostbusters!" And then looks at me funny and says, "What is Ghostbusters?"

I just chuckled and said, "Nevermind."

"Old man loneliness is a son of a bitch Both hands bound, can't scratch the itch." -Finch, A Man Alone

The Sixth Part: The Book of Disquiet

"No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it. " -Fernando Pessoa

"To feel today what one felt yesterday isn't to feel - it's to remember today what was felt yesterday, to be today's living corpse of what yesterday was lived and lost." - Fernando Pessoa

Take a look, see what's left of me. Each part strips away another layer, only leaving greater holes in my whole.

I admit...I've been sitting on my ass for the better part of the last month, enjoying it immensely, but still sitting on my ass. I read a lot the first few weeks, probably more than normal. And I've written a little the last few weeks, probably less than I would have liked. I think I avoided thinking a lot because I was just concerned with what I was going to do next. See I'd found part of what I wanted, and was still trying to wrap my head around moving onto the next part...and then I lost the first part.

It wasn't really a heavy blow to me, I'd seen so much of it coming. I handled it well I thought, been the bigger man as usual. But I didn't know what I was doing next. It was the part of the plan I'd never made it around to.

I was going to take a vacation for a bit, go away for awhile, but then I realized I'd have to do it alone. What fun would that be? What would I do with myself, by myself? Nothing. I would have spent a month being miserable in slightly different scenery. I would have proven that the inside of most hotel rooms look remarkably similar. Might have gotten tanked in some shitty hotel bar and wandered the streets until I got locked up.

Maybe a night or two in jail would have done me some good.

"Could it think, the heart would stop beating. "- Fernando Pessoa

I'm heading back to work tomorrow, not because everything got sorted out, but because I made sure that enough got sorted out that there was at least a shot of everything working out.

A shot.

Not a great shot, or even a really good shot, but a shot.

A long shot if you will.

"God wills, Man dreams, the Work is born." - Fernando Pessoa

I have to go down to PSE&G and pay last months bill (a whopping $86) because I forgot to write a check and now they're going to shut my power off.

I have to be in court on Wednesday because I got a ticket I didn't really deserve, I'm just going to pay it anyway, but the officer was kind enough to indicate that a court appearance is required. Fantastic.

I have to sign my new lease this week...for my new house. Which is way too big for me, and more money then I really need to spend, but which was actually the most I could get for the least amount of money. It's a three bedroom place...but there's still only just me.

I don't know exactly what's going on, but one bit of what was missing in Part Five won't be missing in Part Six. I sort of have a plan. So let's go...I mean, why the hell not? Right?

Onwards and upwards...Part Six.

"Success consists in being successful, not in having potential for success. Any wide piece of ground is the potential site of a palace, but there's no palace till it's built." - Fernando Pessoa

"Wise is he who enjoys the show offered by the world. "- Fernando Pessoa