"To feel today what one felt yesterday isn't to feel - it's to remember today what was felt yesterday, to be today's living corpse of what yesterday was lived and lost." - Fernando Pessoa
Take a look, see what's left of me. Each part strips away another layer, only leaving greater holes in my whole.
I admit...I've been sitting on my ass for the better part of the last month, enjoying it immensely, but still sitting on my ass. I read a lot the first few weeks, probably more than normal. And I've written a little the last few weeks, probably less than I would have liked. I think I avoided thinking a lot because I was just concerned with what I was going to do next. See I'd found part of what I wanted, and was still trying to wrap my head around moving onto the next part...and then I lost the first part.
It wasn't really a heavy blow to me, I'd seen so much of it coming. I handled it well I thought, been the bigger man as usual. But I didn't know what I was doing next. It was the part of the plan I'd never made it around to.
I was going to take a vacation for a bit, go away for awhile, but then I realized I'd have to do it alone. What fun would that be? What would I do with myself, by myself? Nothing. I would have spent a month being miserable in slightly different scenery. I would have proven that the inside of most hotel rooms look remarkably similar. Might have gotten tanked in some shitty hotel bar and wandered the streets until I got locked up.
Maybe a night or two in jail would have done me some good.
"Could it think, the heart would stop beating. "- Fernando Pessoa
I'm heading back to work tomorrow, not because everything got sorted out, but because I made sure that enough got sorted out that there was at least a shot of everything working out.
A shot.
Not a great shot, or even a really good shot, but a shot.
A long shot if you will.
"God wills, Man dreams, the Work is born." - Fernando Pessoa
I have to go down to PSE&G and pay last months bill (a whopping $86) because I forgot to write a check and now they're going to shut my power off.
I have to be in court on Wednesday because I got a ticket I didn't really deserve, I'm just going to pay it anyway, but the officer was kind enough to indicate that a court appearance is required. Fantastic.
I have to sign my new lease this week...for my new house. Which is way too big for me, and more money then I really need to spend, but which was actually the most I could get for the least amount of money. It's a three bedroom place...but there's still only just me.
I don't know exactly what's going on, but one bit of what was missing in Part Five won't be missing in Part Six. I sort of have a plan. So let's go...I mean, why the hell not? Right?
Onwards and upwards...Part Six.
"Success consists in being successful, not in having potential for success. Any wide piece of ground is the potential site of a palace, but there's no palace till it's built." - Fernando Pessoa
"Wise is he who enjoys the show offered by the world. "- Fernando Pessoa
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