Between Nowhere And Good-Bye

There's something unsettling about everything you do having to add up to something greater. Never did much like that idea. Always thought that things should stand alone and in the end somebody else would add it all up for you. Reckon by the time they got around to it whatever they came up with wouldn't matter much to you anyway. Not in the end.

I got a headache. My ears ain't right, and my eyes are a little wobbly too. There's this pain in my back right down where my tailbone meets...well, right where my tailbone meets whatever it is my tailbone meets. Can't shake any of it.

I never did sleep right, and now's no exception. But I'm sleeping for the first time in a little while and that doesn't seem to be helping matters. I went back to my bed after nine months on my couch, and now at some point between three and seven I manage to fight my way asleep. Hour or two later I'm up again, pace around a bit, have a drink, turn on the television and manage to drift off again on the couch. Sometimes I'm up in five minutes, sometimes five hours. I never feel very much rested. I feel old.

But I feel right.

I've always had great vision and the fact that I'm getting sort of blurry bothers me a little. It was quick, too quick to do anything about. One minute I could see fine, I blinked my eyes and it was gone. It had happened before. Once or twice that is. But it always worked itself out in a few seconds. Been like this over a day now.

I had great hearing, hell I still do. Used to be able to hear a bee buzzing a block away. Problem is now some of the stuff I mean to hear is getting jumbled with stuff going on outside my attention. I can't get rid of the ringing.

That pain in my back. It could be nothing, or it could be the beginning of the end. Fat people get back problems. I guess I've just been lucky so far.

Lucky. Shit.

I'd almost grown a beard, haven't shaven since I left my job, I was in that awkward place where I couldn't really see my face but I couldn't quite call the hair a beard yet. Thick Scruff. That's what it is. Or was. I shaved it all of today. Kind of funny how much your face can change in a couple days. How you can almost not recognize yourself. How you know it wasn't really the hair that made you look different.

I don't know. Never did, never will. Some things just may never sit right with me. Maybe some people are supposed to be haunted.

And maybe not.

No one reads this anymore, not that anyone really read it in the first place. But I can tell that no one reads it at all now. Doesn't matter though, what I write here will stay here. For a long time maybe, so there's no sense in not writing it.

God knows if I didn't write it all here, I'd probably have to say it somewhere else.

And I know how that goes.

Somebody asked me what I wanted once. And I guess I told them, but I could have said it different. Could have said it simpler. Could have said it better.

I want what everyone else wants. I want to live forever, and barring that I'll settle for dying old and happy.

That's the ticket.

Old and happy.

Happy.