Missing Out On Baltimore, Getting Ready For The Run-Up, And The Alter-World Bleed

"You know what they say. All roads lead to New York."

"I thought it was Rome?"


"No. Here it's New York. You've got to get over all that European bullshit."


"That's right. I forgot. America is the center of the universe. The whole world revolves around America."


"Oh, I see you've been studying our foreign policy."
~

So I decided last minute yesterday to plan a weekend trip to Baltimore for the Baltimore Comic-Con. It's one of the smaller cons (doesn't rival San Diego or New York) but it had a lot of big names and I've heard good things lately. The thought of going really hadn't crossed my mind though until Friday night. Things have just been so busy here at work. I was starting to feel like I'd hit a bit of a wall, so I figured why not take the weekend off. Jere and House said they were in, so off we went...or not.

We were aiming to leave by 7 A.M. that way we could get down to Baltimore between 10 and 11 for the opening of the show. At 6:10 this morning Jeremiah texted me to tell me he wasn't going to make it. Not a big deal I figured, House and I would still go. So I called House up. No answer. So I called again. No answer. Third time I left a message and figured I'd wait an hour and then head out. So an hour turns into two and no reply. I give up and am getting ready to head out when I start to run the math. It's 9 A.M., if I leave now I probably don't get there till almost 1 P.M. By the time I find a hotel and parking and get to the Con it's 2 P.M. That gives me 3 good hours before they start to close up and then I have all night to burn by myself in a city I'm not at all familiar with that I hear isn't all too friendly. There is zero chance of that ending well for me. So instead of going to Baltimore I went back to sleep. The old man won't be too happy when he hears I skipped work for absolutely nothing. Not too happy at all.
~
"It's like the tail end of a great bender. At some point you've just got to slow down, otherwise you're not going to last long enough to look back on it and laugh."
~

So last night Antioch started to start again. It wasn't a real meeting, those won't start for another month, it was more of a warm-up. It was really good to see everyone again. Really good. We didn't accomplish much, but it's sort of like shaking off the rust and getting back to business. It just feels good. I'm really going to miss it when it's all over.
~

"Do you think..."

"If you're going to ask me again if I think she knows I may just have to shoot you."

"But..."

"No buts."

"It doesn't matter. I'd wake up every morning just to see that smile."

"You are the most pathetic creature I have ever met in my life."

"Well at least I'm not just an overdeveloped sense of self realization or a chimerical manifestation of years of psychosomatic rage or a... figment of my imagination."

"Wow. That last one...really hurt."
~

And last night I had the strangest dream I've had in awhile (which is saying quite a bit). We were in the Alter-World, but it was mixing a little with my other dreams and maybe a bit with the real world. It was like there were tears in fabric of the universe and things were bleeding over into the other worlds. It was a bit scary. There were a ton of us, friends I've known forever, kids from church, my siblings, and some people I've met along the way mixed in for good measure. We got off a bus (at some point in the trip it was a train, but it changed to a bus before we got where we were going.) We all got off at what should have been Dave & Buster's up in Palisades, but instead was some kind of resort. We all had suitcases I don't remember us starting with. Some people were complaining because they thought we were going to Baltimore (see the bleed?) and wanted to know where the hell we were. The people in this place seemed to know me, or at least be familiar with me. They took our bags away and we started to split up. This was the point where I noticed that at least four of the girls we were with were pregnant. I found this odd because I knew for a fact that none of these girls were pregnant (more bleed, I don't usually focus on discrepancies while I'm in the Alter-World, even if I notice them, I just know they're not a problem. This concerned me at the time however.) Several of us sat down in the middle of the floor at a corner in a wood paneled corridor. While we sat there the corridor turned into an elevated walkway, one side dropping off into infinite darkness, the other side still seeming to be an interior wall. There was a chute in the wall (similar to the old vacuum tube message systems) I tossed some money into the tube and food dropped out of the ceiling onto a blanket on the floor. There were videogames on we could play on the walls. I yelled up the tube, "Thanks a lot boss." And a gruff voice shouted back, "No problem Chris." I replied, "Tell the missus I said hello." Although I couldn't think for the life of me who I was talking to. While we at the people I was eating with changed several times. I'll spare you the details of who they were and who they changed into. At some point Stormtroopers from Star Wars showed up and we fought them off which what I originally thought were really big chop-sticks but turned out to be lightsabers. When we were done we went for drinks. While we drank I brought up the conundrum of the pregnant girls (more bleed) no one else found it odd. Apparently these girls were always pregnant (though only I seemed to be bothered by the fact that they had no children, and at least two were really children themselves.) Next we all went for a hike in the woods. For some reason I was moving faster than everyone else, but kept blipping back behind them so they'd have to keep waiting for me. This frustrated everyone, people were really getting mad at me. I wanted water something awful but people kept handing me golfballs and chewing gum instead.

We retired for the night. I had my own room. It was huge. It wasn't really a hotel room. It was more like a conference room. I won't say who was in the room next to me, but they were fucking...loudly. I couldn't sleep. So I took to the halls. It was dark, and very quiet, and suddenly I was moving entirely too quickly even though I had no idea where I was going. I was bounding silently through the halls and found myself coming up the stairs to and ending up near the door of the room of this girl I know. The door was slatted, and through the slats I could see that she was naked. This bothered me (bleed), but I was curious. I knew it was a dream, but I still felt badly for being there. But I couldn't move, or blip away. I was beginning to think the Alter-World was fucking with me. A moment later I could feel myself being pulled further along the hallway. It was like I was being dragged away, I was heading the long way back to my room. When I got close I could hear the fucking couple in the room next door. The force through me back into my room. But there was another girl there, and she was naked. Apparently this was her room now. I apologized and left. I was moving of my own free will again, but I still didn't know where I was going. I passed a window and realized that we were no longer in the resort, but on some sort of space ship. I instantly knew that no one else knew, I had to tell them. There was a guard of some sort coming towards me. (Don't ask me when the fucking guards showed up, but it all seemed to fit.) He recognized me, and offered me a cigarette before telling me I had to leave. I said of course, but headed further into the restricted area. He seemed confused. I looked up and realized there was an entire patrol of guards coming towards me. I ducked into a conveniently placed pile of large mannequins (they all seemed to look like my Demonbat bust.) The leader of the patrol stopped mere inches from me. He was looking right at me, and I was staring back. I knew he saw me and I remember thinking "Thank god this is a dream or I'd really be fucked." I couldn't stop myself from looking back at him, so I closed my eyes. I know, fucking stupid. But in the Alter-World apparently closing your eyes makes you invisible. I'm beginning to think that whoever is in charge there is a five year old. As soon as he looked away I burst out of the pile knocking the entire patrol over and went bounding up the stairs again, zooming through all the hallways. Apparently we were now back in the resort. No idea where the spaceship went. I found myself again standing outside the room with the slatted doors. I was dark in there now but I could hear the girl breathing again, she whispered "Hello?" And I took off running back to my room, which was somehow now my room again.

The next morning we were having breakfast (in the bar oddly enough) and a stranger was sitting there being all crazy. While we sat there he ripped in half and became two people, one of whom apologized politely for his other half's behavior while at the same time flashing a smile that made all the girls swoon. My brother was there and I asked him if he'd heard the commotion coming from the room next to mine. But then he said he'd been in the room next to mine and didn't know what I was talking about, this confused me again. The girl who I had seen through the door was there, and she clearly knew I'd seen her, but didn't seem offended or upset or anything. In fact she was very friendly. At this point the Alter-World started to slip into my other dreams and I didnt fight my way back until we were in a room getting ready to play laser tag, but instead of the door opening into the laser tag course it opened out onto a dirt road. We were going for a hike again. Everyone was complaining they'd have to wait for me. It was hot and dusty. There was a convenience store/gift shop right there selling the resort's brand of bottled water but everyone was already moving so I couldn't stop. This time were climibing a hill and I couldn't keep up. But suddenly there were these guys playing the bagpipes and I was carrying everyone on my back (and I mean everyone). Next thing I remember I woke up back in the bar. Everyone was drinking and laughing and having fun. The pregnant girls were still there, but before I could mention it to anyone...I woke up.
~

"You have got to be the most random motherfucker I have ever met."

"You think?"

~
And finally...another entertaining night that involved me spending too much money and drinking more then I should have (three drinks...let's not get any silly ideas about me here.) And here I am sitting at my desk at 4 A.M. on a Sunday wondering what the fuck I'm doing...and what the fuck I'm doing next.

Questions

"What if I love her?"

"You don't love her."

"I know I don't love her, but what if I did?"

"I don't see the point of discussing something that we both know isn't true."

"You think I'm in love with her."

"What?"

"You think I'm in love with her, you think I'm a total fool."

"I know you're a total fool, but I don't think you're in love with her. You're not in love with her. Right?"

"I think I love her. But I'm not in love with her."

"Jesus Christ."

"What?"

"This is going to be one of those end of the world things right? This is the harbinger that heralds the coming of a monster that sucks the fingers of light from the world and fills us with the darkness of a million lonely nights or some shit like that."

"What?"

"Look, you may be new around here, but I've been around the block a few times. Let me clear up a few things for you. You don't love her. You know you don't love her. I know you don't love her. She sure as shit knows you don't love her. She may be great, and amazing, and fantastic. But you don't love her. And you're probably not supposed to. So forget about that shit. Pine for a little while, bemoan the cruelty of the feckless god that guides you and the misery of being a romantic with a lonely heart. Then man up and get over that shit. Sure she's special. But she's not some angel or goddess or the love of your pathetic little life. She's a cute girl who is fun to be around. End of story. You don't need to fight an epic battle or commit some great act of bravery to get her to notice you. You don't need to save her to save the world. You want to be enveloped in a story of romance triumphing over great adversity read a fucking book. You want to fight the demonic hordes and the forces of darkness buy a fucking XBox, but stop trying to turn my goddamn world into some mythical land of knights and dragons and damsels in goddamn distress. I got enough shit to worry about this week without having to save another one of your dumbasses."

"But..."

"Don't say it."

"What if I love her?"

"Motherfucker."

This Isn't Going Very Well

One minute I can hear them. Mid-sentence, mid-thought, mid-breath...they're gone.

And then, somewhere down the road, they pick back up again. Sometimes they're talking to me. Sometimes they're talking to each other. Most of the time they're talking to themselves.

But they are there.

And then they are not.

What the hell is happening to me?

Withdrawal

"You have a problem."

"I have lots of problems. This isn't one of them."

"Yes it is, you just can't see it."

"Fuck you."

"This is a problem and it's hurting you."

"Hurting me? Hurting me? This can't fucking hurt me. Nothing can fucking hurt me."

"That's a mature attitude."

"Fuck you."

"You are not ok."

"I'm Palomba. I'm always ok."

"We both know that's not true."

"I'm enjoying myself a little that's all. And right now who gives a shit if it's a problem. It's not hurting me, or anyone else for that matter, and..."

"And?"

"I'm happy."

"Happy?"

"Yeah, happy. Or as happy as I've ever been at least."

"But none of it's real."

"You are the last person that should be telling me what's real and what's not. None of this is real."

"But..."

"You are not real."

"That doesn't mean I can't help you."

"Actually...I think that's exactly what it means."

"I thought we were friends."

"Friends? How can we be friends? We're the same goddamn person."

"Fine. Then I have a problem. And it's hurting me."

"What?"

"If we're the same person then I have a problem. And it's hurting me."

"I...never thought of it that way."

"We never thought of it that way."

"I'm...sorry."

"Yeah. So am I."

Mon-Daze: Tell Me About It

There's this thing about being me that pretty much guarantees that no matter how many times I fall down it's a damn certainty that I'll get right back up, refuse to acknowledge that anything went wrong in the first place, and stay standing right up until the combined forces of God, The World, and Cosmic-Motherfucking-Karma put me on my ass yet again. At which time I will rinse and repeat as necessary.

I want to run something by you. And by you I mean me. Since it's likely that I'm talking to myself and that I'm the only one who ever reads any of this. I just want to get it out there. Just float it for a moment.

What if the whole game changed?

What if I wasn't the bad guy disguised as a good guy anymore? What if I was just the bad guy? Or worse, what if I was just the good guy? What would happen then? Would the whole world just implode?

What if it turns out that I'm smarter then you think I am? Or that you've been giving me too much credit all along?

See here are a few of my theories:

The Ladies Godiva
You want a piece of chocolate. You pay for that chocolate. You enjoy that chocolate for what it is: chocolate. You're not deceived into thinking it's anything that it's not. It's not advertising the fact that it's fattening or that the sugar in it will rot your teeth or that it's not nutritious at all. But it's not really hiding that fact either. It's just chocolate. You get what you want: the chocolate. Nestle or Hershey's or whoever get what they want: your money. As long as you get what you want and they get what they want and you don't all of a sudden start thinking that chocolate is something it isn't then nobody gets hurt. Right? See what I'm saying? No? Me neither. But now I want some chocolate goddamit.

The Accidental Vegetarian
If you do something, unintentionally, and it has a result that is definite but not necessarily permanent, is that enough to decide what you are? In May I stopped eating red meat (and pork). I haven't had red meat (or pork) since then. On Tuesday I decided I was done with poultry too. Now, I already broke that once, but I'm going to be a little more steadfast in my determination. So now if I don't eat meat or poultry...does that make me a semi-vegetarian? (Rule of Order, semi-vegetarians eat fish whereas vegetarians do not. While the public has long lumped vegetarians and semi-vegetarians together true vegetarians look down on semi-vegetarians as second rate poor imitation knock-offs much in the way that vegans look down on vegetarians as no account pantywaists much in the way normal people look down on the whole lot of them as limp dicked faggots.) Savvy? See what I'm saying? So here's the question...am I a semi-vegetarian? Or just some guy who stopped eating meat? (Second Rule of Order, the technical name for a semi-vegetarian diet that includes fish is Pescetarianism. A condition that can only be cured by eating massive amounts of shellfish and watching My Cousin Vinny over and over again.)



The Girl On The Ferry

This theory will be performed as a monologue sotto vocce while standing at the desk in my office.

Int. Office - Night

(Christian, a large hulking mass of a man, stands slowly from his desk, stares offstage and begins to speak.)

Christian: I just don't understand it anymore. It's torture. The way I feel when I think about her. It wasn't always like this. I didn't always feel this way. And then...when it started. Well I fought it. I fought it because that was my duty. That's what I was supposed to do. We were both better off that way. But I couldn't fight it for long. I'm just not that strong. So it grew, and it blossomed, and then it festered. A dark secret love that...

(Three men, drivers, enter from offstage, Christian continues to speak.)

1st Driver: Hey Mr.Chris!

(Christian ignores them and continues on with his monologue)

Christian: She is so beautiful. And all I want to do is hold her. And tell her how much I...

(The 1st Driver tries to interrupt again.)

1st Driver: Hey Mr.Chris!

2nd Driver: Shut up you dumbass.

1st Driver: Well why doesn't he answer me...he's a standing right there. I know he can hear me.

2nd Driver: He's performing a soliloquy.

3rd Driver: Actually I do believe it's a monologue.

2nd Driver: Same thing.

3rd Driver: Not exactly. Although the words are often synonomous the word monologue is used more appropriately when the speech occurs in the diagesis of the play. Other characters may or may not be able to hear a monologue. Monologues may actually be directed at other characters within the world of the play...

1st Driver: Wouldn't those be diatribes?

3rd Driver: Not necessarily although that is an argument for which there is some etymological justification. The Greek word diatribē, the ultimate source of our word, is derived from the verb diatrībein, made up of the prefix dia-, "completely," and trībein, "to rub," "to wear away, spend, or waste time," "to be busy." The verb diatrībein meant "to rub hard," "to spend or waste time," and the noun diatribē meant "wearing away of time, amusement, serious occupation, study," as well as "discourse, short ethical treatise or lecture, debate, argument." It is the serious occupation of time in discourse, lecture, and debate that gave us the first use of diatribe recorded in English, in the now archaic sense "discourse, critical dissertation." The critical element of this kind of diatribe must often have been uppermost, explaining the origin of the current sense of diatribe, "a bitter criticism."

2nd Driver: That is neither here nor there. All I was saying is that he was doing a soliloquy.

3rd Driver: If it was a soliloquy we wouldn't be able to hear it. What he's doing is a monologue.

2nd Driver: Same thing.

3rd Driver: No.

1st Driver: Ooh. I think I get it. If we was drawing a viennese diagram thingy then all soliloquys would be monologues. But not all monologues would be soliloquys.

3rd Driver: Precisely.

2nd Driver: Oh. Ok. I get it.

3rd Driver: Good.

(They return their attention to Christian.)

Christian: ...and that is why my love for her will never end. Why I will carry this flame with me till the day I die. And never, ever, say a word about it.

1st Driver: Uh...Mr.Chris?

Christian: (notices drivers for the first time) Oh, hey guys.

1st Driver: Uh, Mr. Chris, I think I spilt the diesel again.

Christian: Aw, shit.

-Scene-

And Finally...

So my little sister made her first trip to look at a high school yesterday. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. She's going back on Thursday to shadow a current student so she could get a better idea of how the school really works. I'm really not sure how I feel about that. Kids are growing up. What are you going to do?

In other news. Adriana just messaged me and asked if I knew what time Friday's meeting was. Problem being that I had no idea there even was a meeting on Friday. I certainly had been thinking a lot lately about whether or not going back was the right thing for me to do (it was never really a question of whether or not I wanted to go back...God knows I do). But it's sort of snuck up on me now, which means I'll probably make the easiest decision because I've got so many other things floating right now, and the easy decision is of course to just do what I wanted to do all along...go back. Now we'll see if it was the right decision.

Things are shaping up for Sean's bachelor party. Alcohol will flow freely, a couple of very beautiful young women will take their clothes off, and I'll be the guy standing there going "I hope those heels don't scuff up the hardwood floor, I just had it refinished." And, "Please don't lean on the walls so hard, they cost a fortune to have painted."

So the rest of tonight will be spent on payroll. Then maybe putting some books on shelves and the whatnot. And then sleeping. Because everybody has to sleep at some point. Even me.

What If?

"I look like a shaved gorilla with twenty pounds of ground beef for a head. No dame that looks like that could be into me unless she wanted somethin'. I learned that a long time ago." - The Goon, The Goon: Nothin' But Misery

What the hell just happened?

Last week was the most ridiculously pointless frustratingly annoying week I've had in a long time. It's not even that anything went wrong, it's just that everything sucked. Hard. Like real hard. Maybe it's because the week before that was so pleasantly pleasant that this week stood in such stark contrast.

I don't know.

All I know is this weekend turned out not half bad considering how badly it started out. I bought some furniture on Thursday afternoon. It got delivered today. It all looks decent so far. I bought some bookshelves yesterday. They're all mostly put together today. It was surprisingly not difficult. Friday night I failed at conducting some minorly important business and now it puts me in a bit of a lurch. Last night went places it totally wasn't supposed to go and I can't tell you how glad I am that it did.

All I've got to say is that any night that ends at four in the morning in my office with me trying to explain the difference between Nick Fury, Luke Cage, and Nic Cage to a rather inebriated trio of Gonzo, Jeremiah, and Kevin is a night that probably could have ended a lot worse.

So anyway, I'm going to go have some pizza, do some laundry, watch some tv, and try to avoid letting tomorrow sneak up on me.

Night 'all.

"What happens if I push this button?"

"Everybody dies."

"Ok...and if I don't push this button?"

"Everybody dies."

"So what you're saying is..."

"Everybody dies."

"Bummer."

Welcome To It

What a week. What a month. What a life.

I think I would have been better off if I'd finished what I'd started one night what seems like a very long time ago. Would have solved a lot of problems for a lot of people. But instead, here I am. Doing what I do best. Being me. And fucking loving it.

I'm still not above water. I know that. I'm just drowning at a slightly slower pace right this second. But I'm still here. And that's sort of what counts for the moment. First survive. Second right the ship. Third fuck 'em all.

I made a deal with no one last night. Made a promise to the world. Decided a few things for myself.

I'm going to get some shit straight in the next eight days. Going to scratch, and claw, and struggle and in eight days have a better idea of where this is all going.

I'll probably ask for help somewhere along the way. Probably talk to someone I care about, someone I like talking to, someone I love, and at least one total stranger between now and then.

And when the sun comes up on the ninth day. Well...we'll know a few things one way or the other.

So in just a few minutes I lock everything up. Take a ride and decide whether to shave or even change clothes before I stop in to finish up the arraingments for Sean's bachelor party. And then I have to decide what I do for the rest of tonight.

Everything's a bit confusing right now. I guess I'm just seeking clarity. One way or the other I suppose.

Where was I?

"I don't understand."

"Course you don't."

"It was never like this before."

"It was always like this. You were just too dense to notice."

"I don't know if I can deal with this."

"Don't really have a choice mate. This is your life. Sad as it is. If you're just getting here well then...welcome to it."

Yesterday's Chicken: Augustus Zero Love And The Shootout At The Alter-World Corral

So yesterday I ordered, as a late lunch/early dinner sort of thing, a roasted chicken. It was pretty good. So I decided it was the last poultry I'll have for awhile. Going to downgrade to strictly fish and veggies...somehow. Not sure exactly how yet. But somehow.

I don't remember much of Sunday. Come to think of it I don't remember much of Monday either. I just know I worked...a lot. Like a lot a lot. And that it's been a very long, very frustrating couple of days.

I've decided to not get a hair cut or a shave for the next little bit. Going to see how scruffy I get. I've got to stop in and finish off the arrangements for the bachelor party on Friday night, then after that there's really nowhere I have to be until early October. That gives me like two weeks of scrub time. I doubt I'll last that long.

I've been thinking a lot about two certain situations the past few days. One that I'll have to be making a decision on in the very near future and another that is so ridiculous, so outlandish, that a decision can't necessarily be made. But I'll sure as hell fake it well I've decided.

Another situation that is nearly at a boiling point will resolve, one way or the other, in my death. It's not as serious as that all sounds. But I suppose it's pretty serious. It's a survival sort of thing. I haven't figured it out just yet.

My financial woes seem to pale in comparison to the financial woes of the rest of the world. And that is for a very good reason. Mostly because my financial woes are all convoluted bullshit which I could resolve in one of four ways. None of which I plan on getting to anytime soon but all of which would work with little doubt.

I'm going to be reading Y: The Last Man and The Goon comics this week, along with one regular book from an author I've come to enjoy in the past few years. I've also been recording tracks of me reciting poetry (mine and other people's) just for kicks but also to shake some of the dust off. You never know when having the strongest voice in a room will come in handy.

And finally last night I ventured into the Alter-World again. We were riding on a bus (although several of us kept blipping in and out.) There was an explosion. The bus flipped over several times and then tore in half. We were dragging people out of the bus and trying to get them to safety. About halfway through we stopped dragging people to the side of the road and started blipping people into a dining room where they all sat down for dinner. When we blipped back there was a gun fight in the street. I picked up a gun and began to shoot at the people shooting at us. We were hosing them down as they tried to take the other passengers. Then we blipped again. We began to eat with the others. While eating I realized that the young lady sitting across from me was holding a gun. The entire group was holding me hostage. They were the people I'd just been fighting in the street. They started to head up a set of stairs I hadn't noticed before. I stopped halfway up the stairs, threw my considerable weight backwards, and knocked the gun from the hand of the girl. I picked it up, grabbed her, and held the gun to her head. I then called out and made the others return down the stairs. I was going to get out of there. But now there was another set of stairs on the other side of the room. There were more people there, they had guns too. And they were all pointed at me. They started to shoot at me and the girl, now it seemed it was all a misunderstanding and the girl said she was with me. I shot the dining room table and it blew up. (the Alter-World can be odd like that). I dragged the girl through the flames before our captors could catch us and vaulted through a window. We landed on wet grass near the banks of the river, the house nowhere to be seen. Before I could ask her who she was, she was gone. And I stood there alone, trying to figure out how even the Alter-World had gone all funny.

Nothing Incredible Is Coming

Today - 7:00 A.M.

My cellphone is ringing. At first I think it's one of my alarm clocks. I smack them both without even looking. When the noise doesn't stop I finally realize what it is. Too late, I've missed the call. It begins to ring again. It hurts too much to move. Missed call again. I hate when people call twice and refuse to leave a message. My house phone rings. I'm up. Everything hurts. My head is pounding. I wonder for second if I'm hungover, and then quickly realize how ridiculous that is. I barely had anything to drink last night. I answer the phone. Someone is talking. It all sounds like jibberish.

Last Night- 7:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. It's Porterhouse. Something about wanting to go to "those places" and wanting to hang out with Tim and D-Rock. I tell him I'm busy I'll talk to him later. He actually sounds disappointed and I wonder if something is wrong.

Today- 9:00 A.M.

My cellphone is ringing. I don't recognize the number. I pick up, but no one is there. I take a piss. My head hurts. I think I'm sick. I go back to bed.

Last Night - 9:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. It's Porterhouse again. I'm in the shower so I don't answer. When I get out of the shower Pretty Woman is on TV. I've never actually seen Pretty Woman, but I know what it's about. Julia Roberts is explaining to Richard Gere that she's pretty expensive, that she costs $100 per hour. I sit in my recliner wrapped in a damp towel and just laugh.

Today- 12 Noon

My cellphone is ringing. Again no one is there. I stand in the kitchen and consider cleaning up the shit Tuck has left on the floor. My head hurts and I'm thirsty. I drink some iced tea straight from the bottle while standing in front of the open refrigerator. I put the iced tea back, closed the refrigerator. I stand there for a moment in my underwear and scratch my ass. I realize I have a massive erection. I laugh.

Last Night- 12 Midnight

My cellphone is not ringing. Pretty much everyone I know who would be calling me at this time of night is with me. We're just walking into the Hitching Post (there's a shocker) when I hear them call Gala to the stage. I'm glad she's there. Even though I just saw her the night before at least it means I know someone there. She's as surprised to see me as I am to be there. She says hello and tells me she has another customer waiting. I'm not that disappointed. We're there to drink oddly enough. I don't get the chance though because two minutes after she tells me she has another customer there she is tapping me on the shoulder. It's going to be an expensive night. But I'm still glad. It's not always a bad thing to be a second choice. There's a funny story. I'll keep it to myself. Porterhouse is miserable it seems and leaves to go elsewhere. Tim disappears leaving me with his friends even though we told him I don't have room for them. I'm not surprised. Tim's friends aren't surprised. Even the go-go dancers aren't surprised. We've only been there an hour and we're already on the way out the door.

Today - 2:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. I'm in bed again. I'm congested and nauseous. I'm bleeding. Second time this week. I miss the call. They call again, I try to answer but can't. My phone is fucked up. I call back from the house phone. One of my busses just blew a tire...in Princeton. I clean up real quick and head down to the yard. It's going to be a long afternoon.

Last Night - 2:00 A.M.

I've shut my cellphone off for the night. We're walking into Stiletto's in Carlstadt (there's another shocker). The place is packed. The door guy recognizes me. The guy at the bar recognizes me. I don't recognize anyone else. I'm not that disappointed. We're going to sit down when this cute blonde chick wrapped in a towel almost bumps into me. I stop to apologize and realize it's someone I know, she just changed her hair. I ask if she has time for me, she says she'll be right back. I sit down and a few minutes later she's back. We talk for about an hour. She tells some really good stories. So do I. Before I go we get down to business. No, really, actual business. The entertainment side of Sean's bachelor party is now taken care of.

Today - 3:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. I'm flying down the Turnpike in a large school bus. I actually enjoy driving the newer ones. They move like cars almost. I lose communication with the service truck and the base on the radio. So base is hitting me up on my two-way. The phone is on the console to the left of the driver's compartment. I take my left hand off the wheel to pick up the phone and toss it from my left hand to my right. I update them as to where I am, they update me as to where the service truck is. I plan to call back when I get to Princeton. I toss the phone from my right hand to my left, bobble it, and watch in disbelief as it flies right out the motherfucking window and shatters on the shoulder of the New Jersey Turnpike just north of Princeton. I laugh. Then groan. Then laugh again and keep driving.

Last Night - 3:00 A.M.

My cellphone is not ringing. It's also not working properly. Maybe it's aware of the fate it will meet in roughly twelve hours. We're all packed into my car, exhausted and laughing our asses off. It's been a very good night. I've made arrangements for the strippers for Sean's bachelor party and am pretty proud of the job I did in selecting the girls...until I remember that the bachelor party is at my house. And I've just arranged to have at least one ridiculously hot stripper at my house. I'm left pondering the fact that I've violated the latter (and more important) half of the only rule about going to strip joints ( a rule that I both created and repeatedly extolled the virtues of). I call it the Old New Jersey Adage and it simply says that, "It's perfectly acceptable to fall in love with a stripper...as long as you don't bring the hoe home." Whoops.

Today - 6:30 P.M.

My cellphone might be ringing. I don't really know. It's in roughly a thousand pieces on the side of the highway. I'm flying home in the bus that originally blew a re-cap pondering how my day went to shit so quickly and worrying about how much I have left to do before I go to sleep. The sun is starting to set. It's lightly drizzling. My head is ringing. I think I'm going to be sick. There's a sign on the side of a building advertising new luxury condiminiums. In enormous blue letters it reads SOMETHING INCREDIBLE IS COMING! I laugh...just a little bit.

Last Night - 6:30 A.M.

I plug my cellphone into the charger. I have a text message. It's from one of the dancers I saw tonight. As usual I don't reply. The screen on my cellphone has gone all funny. I might have to get a new one. I open a jug of iced tea and take a sip. It's by far the sweetest thing I drink nowadays. I take off my shirt and kick off my shoes. I've got a little tickle in my throat and the beginnings of a headache creeping up towards my temples. It doesn't really matter though. I've just had a great night. Nothing can spoil it right now. Besides for no particular reason I have the feeling tomorrow is going to be an incredible day. I scratch my ass and head off to bed.

Oh? And When Was The Last Time You Managed to Conquer The Entire Known World?

Jesus of The Alter-World


So last weekend I ventured back into the Alter-World for the first time in a bit. At one point I ended up in this gated community which looked vaguely familiar. I found myself standing at the foot of the driveway of a particular house. It wasn't huge, but it was nice. The yard had some crazy landscaping going on, but it all looked real good. There was an old couple eating honey dew melon on the porch and they greeted me by name even though I'd never seen them before. When I got in the house I realized that my family lived there. It looked nothing like our house in the real world, I didn't seen any of my family, but I just knew. It didn't seem that anyone was home even though there was food on the table and a tv running in the living room. I wandered in to shut the tv off and they were playing some program about Jesus. I realized that in the Alter-World Jesus is still alive and still wandering around doing his thing. Apparently he was local as well. I tried to shut the TV off but I couldn't. Instead it just kept getting louder until I muted it and walked away. When I hit the front porch the old couple was gone, but I could hear people in the distance. A lot of people. And as I watched Jesus walked down the street. There were a few holy looking people walking right behind him, but following a few yards back there were hundreds of young people. Oddly enough some were carrying large coolers, cases of water, and party packs of chips. But all were following talking quietly, but excitedly, amongst themselves. Just as Jesus passed the second half of the driveway he stopped. And turned back to look at me. The entire crowd stopped and now they were all looking up at me. Jesus cocked his head to one side and said, "Hey." To which I replied, "Hey." Then Jesus said, "So...can we come in?"


I looked at the crowd of hundreds then back at the house that wasn't mine, turned back to Jesus and said, "Sure."


But they all just stood there. Jesus looked at me and sort of shrugged. Apparently Jesus was great with miracles and shit with organization. I started to call out instructions. Anyone who was empty handed could go straight around the back into the yard. Anyone with junk food or cold beer could hit the patio. Warm drinks and food that needed to stay cold could come straight into the kitchen. But there were a lot more people than there was food. So I grabbed three guys carrying hamburgers, hotdogs, and chicken wings and pulled them off to the side. I grabbed Jesus pointed at the food and said, "Do your thing man."

He laughed.

Then I woke up.

More Alter-World Oddness

So last night I encountered Tim for the first time in the Alter-World. He was in this room in the back of a store sitting next to some guy who seemed to be a synthesis of my cousin's cousin, a kid I met at a wedding, a guy from this comic book shop, and an actor I saw on TV. They were drinking, smoking, and talking about going mountain climbing. I have no idea what the relevance of any of that is. And I don't think I would have even classified it as an Alter-World dream except that the entire place screamed Alter-World even without any real proof. I'm pretty sure Captain America was around there somewhere as well.

Old Friends Revisited

So I've gotten a bit out of hand in general this week. It's odd because the more fucked up I get lately the better things seem to be going. That actually sounded worse than I meant it to. I'm busting my ass, and not screwing around, but the more out of hand I get the better things seem to be going. Ok, that sounded pretty bad too. Fuck it. So last night I was very glad to hear from an "old friend". We spent quite a bit of time talking about quite a few things, and oddly at the end of the night I felt a hell of a lot better than I had before. And I really hadn't said all that much.

I'd been "hunting" for a few days before and it hadn't been going very well. When "hunting" goes poorly I tend to turn to "soul searching" very quickly and that never ends very well. After all, my name is Hob, and I am The Corrupter of Souls. Anyway last night saved me from a world of hurt for about a million funny little reasons, and even though everything that's been going on lately has put me in a few awkward situations it's nice to know that I can escape for just a while with a little help. Keeps me sane sometimes.

Neither A Borrower Nor A....How Does That One Go Again?

So late this afternoon my old man walks into the office and this exact conversation ensues:

Dad: You got $200 on you?

Me: Sure.

Dad: Give it to me.

(I hand him $200, he takes it turns to Kevin who just walked into my office and hands it to him. Kevin says thanks and walks out. My father turns back to me.)

Dad: You've really gotta stop lending money to people.

(He turns and walks out of the office.)

Me: What the fuck?

Compulsory

I'm not sure what's going on this weekend. All I know is that I am broke as a joke and got zero money coming in for a few weeks. I've got to pay my mortgage, pay my landscaper, pay the first installment on a commission and either stop buying statues or stop hanging out in go-go bars. Neither one of those things seem likely. So I guess I'll just go broke and enjoy every second of it.

The Quotes

And finally for the evening. Here are a few quotes I haven't gotten around to fitting properly in an entry. Some are mine...some are attributed.

"Have you seen Tropic Thunder?"

"Ignorance is bliss, but that itch...probably crabs."

"These are girls whose primary job training consists of phrases like 'Talking is good because it means you're not blowing someone.' and 'When in doubt, show some tit.'"

"I am totally fucked up. Sometimes it's in an endearing 'Palomba being Palomba' sort of way. Other times it's in a 'Did he really just do that?' sort of way. And yet other times it's in a 'I hate him and will jizz on his grave when he dies.' sort of way."

"Maybe it's a woman. I've known so many, and really known so few. Loved more than I should have, and far more than ever knew."

"Me, you, and sixteen pounds of red jello. How's that grab you?" - Lazarus Jones, from Why Not?

So that's all I've got today folks. Well for now at least. Who the hell knows where this will go in the next several hours. My money is on nowhere good. Nowhere good indeed.

Captain Jesus At The Moonlight Lounge

"What color is your cock?"

"What?"

"I said what color is your cock?"

"In the 27 years of my life no one has ever asked me that."

"Really?"

"And honestly up until ten seconds ago I'd never considered that they came in different colors."

"Ok, well, I"ll tell you if you tell me."

"Ok. You first."

"Purple."

"Fuck you. Purple? You need to get that looked at man."
~


So...I've been meddling in the affairs of the world for the past two or three days. Waiting for the whole damn place to go ka-boom. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.


Work has been...well...good actually. We were doing so well for so long that the day to day adversity was beginning to grind on me. Now we hit a stretch where we're so fucked up because of outside forces that it's kind of like we've got something to rally against. It's not that it helps the old man and I get along any better, and it certainly doesn't make either one of us anymore sensible. But it sort of gives us something to work together for, even though we both keep a wary eye on the other, watching to see who will stab who in the back first. Great to be tight with family ain't it?


Yesterday was the Rookie's 11th birthday...which makes me really fucking old. Today is the 7th anniversary of September 11th, which makes me really fucking sad. This weekend I have nothing at all planned, and a ton of things to do.


The house needs cleaning. The basement needs to be bleached again after the flooding. The dog needs a bath. I need a nap. Maybe the guys will be around and I can go back to drinking with other people instead of by myself. I would make a really great alcoholic if I could just manage to get drunk every now and then.
~

"Way I figure if it takes a 12 year old Scotch and a 19 year old Russian to keep me from putting a gun in my mouth at the end of the day, well then, there's really not much reason to argue with it."
~

Sean's wedding is coming up, and we've got to sit down and decide what the hell we're doing for his bachelor party. I'm looking forward to his wedding just because it will be the last big thing that everyone does together for awhile. After the wedding I'm wondering if we'll see as much of him, I sort of doubt it. But everyone's been having a great time lately, just hoping that there are still people around in a few months.

I've also been trying to write a bit. Got some ideas, got some things to try and flesh out. I've even begun working on a talk for Antioch even though I don't know if I'm going or not. (Add to the fact that I was already debating the fact that there is now a scheduling conflict and I'm wondering if this year isn't meant to be.)

So now I'm finishing up for the night. Wondering how I've dug my way out of one hole and into another and not really even considering that I won't be able to get out of this jam. But really just debating what I'm doing later tonight and how much alcohol is going to be involved and how much it's going to end up costing me (in every which way). So I'll debate on, and get back to you when I get back to you.
~

"You ok hun?"

"Yes m'am."

"You want another drink?"

"Not just yet m'am."

"Slowing down?"

"Just warming up m'am."

"You better watch out. I hear the big ones can surprise you."

"You have no idea."

Working Backwards Without A Net

"This isn't going very well."

"What?"

"Everything."

So I had another entry all set to go but have decided to shelve it and backtrack just a little bit. Friday night I worked late, went to hang out with the kids, and got in a hell of an argument with my mother. I used to argue with my mother all the time, but nowadays I can just leave and go home and not have to listen to her. She's also wrong a lot more lately, which takes all the fun out of it.

Saturday I went to work early, took a nap and had a wicked dream (which was detailed in the currently withheld post), thought about some things, went to the bookstore, went out with the guys, came home and watched some tv, took a nap, then started over again.

Last night I was getting ready to move some stuff into the basement when things went a little wrong at work. By the time I fixed what I wanted to fix I was too tired to start moving boxes down the stairs. So instead I did some laundry. At 4 A.M. I was in the basement. Everything was fine. At 8 A.M. it was filled with water. Shit.

I lost a good number of boxes for the collection and I'll be returning home momentarily to try and salvage the rest. This puts in question my plans of moving things down into the basement for storage. It suddenly doesn't seem like a good idea.

When I got to the office this morning I took care of a few things then made a coffee run. The cute girl at Dunkin' Donuts was there and she had my hot chocolate ready before I could even order everything else. This was one of those challenging days where I was picking up for everyone else in the office which meant I actually had to talk to her to order. I actually did pretty good (meaning I formed full words and didn't say anything too stupid) right up until I reached in my pocket and realized all I had was one hundred dollar bills and singles. I wasn't about to pay in singles, and they don't take hundred dollar bills in Dunkin' Donuts. Shit. I had to mumble something and run out to the car to get cash. This made me look like a total asshole. I'm in there everyday. I know they don't take hundreds, but there I am going "Oh, sorry, you guys don't take hundred, I'll be right back." Fucking asshole. Stupid fucking asshole.

I had to wait a while for the croissants for the guys in the office. I tried not to stare the entire time. I said nothing so that I wouldn't say anything too stupid. Then I left. All in all, it could have been worse.

So...I've made a few more decisions in the last little bit, got a few more things I have to do. Right now I'm going to head home to try and dry shit out, and then figure out what's next.

Wish me luck.

Do You Think...

"Do you think she knows?"

"I'm pretty sure she has to. I think you were drooling."

"No I wasn't. I barely even looked at her."

"Which is sort of awkward since you were almost talking to her."

"Almost?"

"You didn't actually use any words."

"Oh."

"You just sort of grunted."

"Oh no."

"Yeah, you just grunted at a total stranger."

"She's not a stranger. I know her name."

"Right, but she doesn't know yours. She barely even knows you exist."

"But I know she exists."

"Yeah, which just sort of makes it a little bit creepy."

"Did I really grunt at her?"

"Yeah. It was sort of an awkward grunt of acknowledgement while you nervously tried to avoid making eye contact."

"Oh no."

"I wouldn't worry about it too much. She probably thinks you're retarded."

"Shit."

Greenlight Gumdrops & Apple Pie Vaginas

"I called the parents, you call the school, he'll call the jointure."

"Ok."

"Repeat it back to me."

"You called the parents, I'll call the school, he'll call the jointure."

"Again."

"You called the parents, I'll call the school, he'll call the jointure."

"Perfect. Get started."

"Ok. (Dials the phone)"

"Who did you just call?"

"The parents. Aw...shit."

~
"Greenlight."

"Gumdrops."

"Things that start with G."

"Yup. Apple Pie."

"Vaginas."

"Uh..."

"Things I like to..."

"I'm not playing this game with you anymore."

~

"Cherry Lingo One to Cherry Lingo Actual, do you copy?"

"Cherry Lingo One this is Cherry Lingo Actual, we read you loud and clear, go ahead."

"Sir we're at bingo fuel and visibility is fading fast, recommend we head home and wait til morning to take another crack at the search, over?"

"That's a ten-four Cherry Lingo One, return to base, we'll try again in the morning. Cherry Lingo Actual over."

"And sir?"

"Yes?"

"Who in the name of fuck picked these call signs?"

~

"Hello sir, what can I get for you?"

"Can I get a large hot chocolate and...your phone number?"

"What? What was that?"

"I...uh...I said can I get a large hot chocolate and...a reduced fat blueberry muffin?"

"Of course sir."

~

Nobody Knows What It's Like To Be A Bad Man

"Man, I'm shot. I need to slow the fuck down."

"Why's that?"

"I asked some girl to make me a Jack & Coke at 10 o'clock this morning."

"And what's the problem with that?"

"I was in Dunkin' Donuts."

"Oh."


Red Fish, Blue Fish. One Fish, Two Fish.


So...

This is another where to start sort of thing. And I'm not really sure where to start. So I'll start right here for the time being.

I've decided something. Now, I'm not going to tell you what I've decided and frankly by the time I decide to tell you what I have decided I may very well have changed my mind meaning that what I've decided today hasn't really been decided at all.

Savvy?

So anyhows...things started to start today and it damn near drove us all mad already. Whole god dam world seems to be trying to change and it don't seem anyone's figured out that things need to be done gradual like. So let it get all outs of control and we'll realize how it should have gone and all. Then maybe we'll do something about it. Then again maybe not.

Saw someone I was right glad to see today. Didn't see someone I'd really hoped to see. Did some things I wish I didn't have to do, and got ready to do some others. But mostly things just moved along at that pace they always seem to do.

Not sure what I think about that to be honest.

"Dude you smell like a 16 year old Russian prostitute."

"She was 19. And I'm pretty sure she was Polish."

"Oh."

Taxicab Confessions, Hitting on Six, And A Moment of Quiet Before The Storm

Taxicab Confessions

So last night (or early this morning depending on how you look at it) I got a very interesting ride from a very friendly cabbie down in Atlantic City. I have no idea where exactly we went except that we just drove quite a bit so I could cool my head after making the mistake of wandering into the high stakes room at Harrah's and doing some considerable damage to my every shrinking bankroll.

We talked briefly about gas prices, women, mortgages, and the prospect of Obama becoming president. He told me a story about a guy getting in his cab that day who had lost $400,000 at Harrah's just that afternoon, and a story about him dropping $250 himself at the Trump Marina earlier in the week. I think both those losses were worse than mine in their own ways. It was an interesting ride. And it left me feeling a bit better.

Hitting on Six

When I got back into the casino to meet up with the others I found that they weren't nearly ready to go. I didn't want to burn through anymore money, and I don't believe in betting heavy to work your way out of a funk. But it was coming up on 4 A.M. and the low limit roulette tables were starting to clear out and I managed to grab a seat. I piddled about with $5 chips just to have some fun and was quickly down a few hundred dollars more. I was down to $15 and I hit on black. Then I hit on red to stay alive and work a few more spins. I put everything I had left 6, which I'd been losing on all night. I figured I'd call it quits after that either way. It hit. And suddenly I had back everything I'd lost in the high stakes room. I was still down a little for the night. But I really didn't care anymore. We were counting in the hundreds instead of the thousands so it really wasn't much to worry about. All totalled it was still an expensive night. But not a bad one. Not a bad one at all. We stopped for WaWa chocolate milk on the way home. That would have made everything better anyway.

A Moment of Quiet Before The Storm

I haven't gotten to bed before the sun came up in the past four days. So today I slept as much as I could to recoup. All hell breaks lost tomorrow and while I'm sure I'm ready for it I'm not sure it will make much difference. I sat around for a bit, cleaned up and went to a wake for a friend's grandfather. Stopped in at the office and had a quick chat with cousin James to see how he's settling in out in California. Talked to Goldberg for a minute about his new nephew who has a pretty solid name. And now I'm sitting at my desk pondering the madness that has swallowed up so many of the people I care so much about lately. Pondering how right and wrong this past year has gone. Pondering what the hell I'm doing with my life and why I'm enjoying so much that has clearly gone so awry. And I know that tomorrow we start again. And I know that we're already behind before we even get started. And I know that so much has to change so quick otherwise none of us are going to make it.

And I wonder if I'm up to the challenge.

And I worry that it won't matter even if I am.

And suddenly I'm afraid in all the old ways for the first time in a long time.

Then I remember who I am.

And you think it's over...but it's not. Here we go again.