Nothing Incredible Is Coming

Today - 7:00 A.M.

My cellphone is ringing. At first I think it's one of my alarm clocks. I smack them both without even looking. When the noise doesn't stop I finally realize what it is. Too late, I've missed the call. It begins to ring again. It hurts too much to move. Missed call again. I hate when people call twice and refuse to leave a message. My house phone rings. I'm up. Everything hurts. My head is pounding. I wonder for second if I'm hungover, and then quickly realize how ridiculous that is. I barely had anything to drink last night. I answer the phone. Someone is talking. It all sounds like jibberish.

Last Night- 7:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. It's Porterhouse. Something about wanting to go to "those places" and wanting to hang out with Tim and D-Rock. I tell him I'm busy I'll talk to him later. He actually sounds disappointed and I wonder if something is wrong.

Today- 9:00 A.M.

My cellphone is ringing. I don't recognize the number. I pick up, but no one is there. I take a piss. My head hurts. I think I'm sick. I go back to bed.

Last Night - 9:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. It's Porterhouse again. I'm in the shower so I don't answer. When I get out of the shower Pretty Woman is on TV. I've never actually seen Pretty Woman, but I know what it's about. Julia Roberts is explaining to Richard Gere that she's pretty expensive, that she costs $100 per hour. I sit in my recliner wrapped in a damp towel and just laugh.

Today- 12 Noon

My cellphone is ringing. Again no one is there. I stand in the kitchen and consider cleaning up the shit Tuck has left on the floor. My head hurts and I'm thirsty. I drink some iced tea straight from the bottle while standing in front of the open refrigerator. I put the iced tea back, closed the refrigerator. I stand there for a moment in my underwear and scratch my ass. I realize I have a massive erection. I laugh.

Last Night- 12 Midnight

My cellphone is not ringing. Pretty much everyone I know who would be calling me at this time of night is with me. We're just walking into the Hitching Post (there's a shocker) when I hear them call Gala to the stage. I'm glad she's there. Even though I just saw her the night before at least it means I know someone there. She's as surprised to see me as I am to be there. She says hello and tells me she has another customer waiting. I'm not that disappointed. We're there to drink oddly enough. I don't get the chance though because two minutes after she tells me she has another customer there she is tapping me on the shoulder. It's going to be an expensive night. But I'm still glad. It's not always a bad thing to be a second choice. There's a funny story. I'll keep it to myself. Porterhouse is miserable it seems and leaves to go elsewhere. Tim disappears leaving me with his friends even though we told him I don't have room for them. I'm not surprised. Tim's friends aren't surprised. Even the go-go dancers aren't surprised. We've only been there an hour and we're already on the way out the door.

Today - 2:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. I'm in bed again. I'm congested and nauseous. I'm bleeding. Second time this week. I miss the call. They call again, I try to answer but can't. My phone is fucked up. I call back from the house phone. One of my busses just blew a tire...in Princeton. I clean up real quick and head down to the yard. It's going to be a long afternoon.

Last Night - 2:00 A.M.

I've shut my cellphone off for the night. We're walking into Stiletto's in Carlstadt (there's another shocker). The place is packed. The door guy recognizes me. The guy at the bar recognizes me. I don't recognize anyone else. I'm not that disappointed. We're going to sit down when this cute blonde chick wrapped in a towel almost bumps into me. I stop to apologize and realize it's someone I know, she just changed her hair. I ask if she has time for me, she says she'll be right back. I sit down and a few minutes later she's back. We talk for about an hour. She tells some really good stories. So do I. Before I go we get down to business. No, really, actual business. The entertainment side of Sean's bachelor party is now taken care of.

Today - 3:00 P.M.

My cellphone is ringing. I'm flying down the Turnpike in a large school bus. I actually enjoy driving the newer ones. They move like cars almost. I lose communication with the service truck and the base on the radio. So base is hitting me up on my two-way. The phone is on the console to the left of the driver's compartment. I take my left hand off the wheel to pick up the phone and toss it from my left hand to my right. I update them as to where I am, they update me as to where the service truck is. I plan to call back when I get to Princeton. I toss the phone from my right hand to my left, bobble it, and watch in disbelief as it flies right out the motherfucking window and shatters on the shoulder of the New Jersey Turnpike just north of Princeton. I laugh. Then groan. Then laugh again and keep driving.

Last Night - 3:00 A.M.

My cellphone is not ringing. It's also not working properly. Maybe it's aware of the fate it will meet in roughly twelve hours. We're all packed into my car, exhausted and laughing our asses off. It's been a very good night. I've made arrangements for the strippers for Sean's bachelor party and am pretty proud of the job I did in selecting the girls...until I remember that the bachelor party is at my house. And I've just arranged to have at least one ridiculously hot stripper at my house. I'm left pondering the fact that I've violated the latter (and more important) half of the only rule about going to strip joints ( a rule that I both created and repeatedly extolled the virtues of). I call it the Old New Jersey Adage and it simply says that, "It's perfectly acceptable to fall in love with a stripper...as long as you don't bring the hoe home." Whoops.

Today - 6:30 P.M.

My cellphone might be ringing. I don't really know. It's in roughly a thousand pieces on the side of the highway. I'm flying home in the bus that originally blew a re-cap pondering how my day went to shit so quickly and worrying about how much I have left to do before I go to sleep. The sun is starting to set. It's lightly drizzling. My head is ringing. I think I'm going to be sick. There's a sign on the side of a building advertising new luxury condiminiums. In enormous blue letters it reads SOMETHING INCREDIBLE IS COMING! I laugh...just a little bit.

Last Night - 6:30 A.M.

I plug my cellphone into the charger. I have a text message. It's from one of the dancers I saw tonight. As usual I don't reply. The screen on my cellphone has gone all funny. I might have to get a new one. I open a jug of iced tea and take a sip. It's by far the sweetest thing I drink nowadays. I take off my shirt and kick off my shoes. I've got a little tickle in my throat and the beginnings of a headache creeping up towards my temples. It doesn't really matter though. I've just had a great night. Nothing can spoil it right now. Besides for no particular reason I have the feeling tomorrow is going to be an incredible day. I scratch my ass and head off to bed.