How many times in any given day do I utter the phrase, "What the hell just happened?"
So I went into Dunkin' Donuts this morning and I'm struck again by how ridiculously cute the one counter girl is. It's funny, but I've been talking to a friend lately about this girl he likes, I keep saying things like "go for it" and "don't worry, of course she'll like you" and other reassuring bullshit. It's easy for me to say because I've never even really considered making a pass at a random stranger, but here I am in Dunkin' Donuts and I can't even order my hot chocolate because, for a moment, I'm dumbstruck by this cute little counter girl who I have no intentions towards and who I see every god damn day. Other guys must have it real tough, wanting shit from life. I can only imagine.
So I'm on my way to the bank this afternoon and as I get two cars away from the railroad tracks the gates begin to come down. I notice this scrap bum pushing his cart around the gate. Let me pause to explain for a second. If you're from an affluent neighborhood or a rural area you probably haven't encountered the urban phenomena of the scrap bum. These guys wander around town with their shopping carts picking up random scrap metal wherever they can. Construction sites, abandoned buildings, old wrecks. Less scrupulous scrap bums will snag any metal that's not tied down, whether it's scrap or not. They'll collect scrap metal till they can carry no more and then sell it by the pound at the local junkyard. I've often wondered why if they can so easily steal shopping carts they don't just scrap them for cash. Some things we'll never know. So anyway...this scrap bum has just gotten his cart around the gate when he loses control of this piled high cart and the whole thing tips over. He rights his cart and gets it off the track, but he doesn't want to give up on the metal he has spilled. I can't see the train coming from where I am, but with the gates down and the lights going off I know one is coming. He's scrambling back and forth, and I can see him looking up at this train that I can't see coming. He's almost got everything, and now I can see what's coming down the tracks. It's not a train, but a slow moving Track Geometry Inspection Vehicle. They don't move as fast as trains, but they move fast enough to fuck you up. This guy starts to go back for his last load, then stops right in the middle of the track and starts jumping up and down yelling at the TGIV bearing down on him. At the last second he scrambles out of the way. As the TGIV passes I can see the crew laughing. The scrap bum piles things back into this cart and goes on his way.
When I get to the bank I hand the girl a pile of checks for deposit, and my check to be cashed. She starts to ask for ID, before noticing how much I'm depositing and the pittance that I'm cashing. She looks at me and shakes her head, "Nevermind." I get my cash without ever showing ID.
So it looks like I'm working late again tonight. I'm tired, but not too tired. I've got to get some rec time in though. Maybe the guys will be around this weekend, or I'll stop for a drink on my own. Sunday night is the Antioch follow up meeting. It will be good to see everyone, it seems like it's been longer than it has.
About Me
- King
- North Haledon, New Jersey, United States
- There isn't much about me worth knowing...unless of course you disagree?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Preserves
There were some gentleman outside my office late last night.
This is getting to be a regular thing, people wandering around down here when they shouldn't be. It used to just be the racers and some bums, the odd druggie or prostitute with her john. Then some of these old empty buildings got filled up. With more people around during the day, there were more people around at night. People who had a reason to be here. Night shift at the factory across the street, more maintenance and security crews, trucks coming in and out at all hours. Made it feel sort of safer.
Lately it seems to be getting worse. I talked to the security guy not too long ago. If you seem concerned he tells you how safe it is, if you seem secure he tells you how dangerous it is. I guess it's sort of his job to keep you on your toes. With all the bums and random strangers wandering in and out of here late at night he doesn't have to worry about that. I'm still waiting on the security cameras and door buzzer, but for now I'm just carrying around my little 950,000 volt friend.
So last night there was a car parked up against the back gate. A newer car, but it looked like maybe it had broken down. Out front there were these three guys sort of just standing there. Not really doing anything, but not seeming like they had a reason to be there anyway. That's the type you have to watch out for. Just keep your head down, do your business, and get out. And that's what I did last night.
I wanted to get groceries last night, but it was too late. This is how shot I am. I did my grocery shopping at 7-11. I got a loaf of bread, some peanut butter and jelly, some bologna and some cheese. That will do me for a week. But you know its bad when you get home and you say, "Fuck I already had grape jelly." It's the sort of thing you shouldn't have to say more than once or twice in your entire life. I say it every time I buy grape jelly. See other shit goes bad, so I end up throwing it out. Jelly don't go bad. When I was seven a friendly neighbor brought us a jar of orange marmalade (I know, why would a friend give you marmalade?) Now it's not that we didn't use it, we did. It's just how much marmalade could you possibly use? And it was a big friggin' jar. I'm pretty sure it's still there. That marmalade outlasted three refrigerators, two kitchen redesigns, and the god damn neighbor that gave it to us. And I'm pretty sure it's still good (and by good I mean not rotten.)
So yeah, now I have two grape jellys. But I watched "Gone Baby Gone", which I thought was great and I got my Ipod Touch to connect to the internet so we're all good.
This is getting to be a regular thing, people wandering around down here when they shouldn't be. It used to just be the racers and some bums, the odd druggie or prostitute with her john. Then some of these old empty buildings got filled up. With more people around during the day, there were more people around at night. People who had a reason to be here. Night shift at the factory across the street, more maintenance and security crews, trucks coming in and out at all hours. Made it feel sort of safer.
Lately it seems to be getting worse. I talked to the security guy not too long ago. If you seem concerned he tells you how safe it is, if you seem secure he tells you how dangerous it is. I guess it's sort of his job to keep you on your toes. With all the bums and random strangers wandering in and out of here late at night he doesn't have to worry about that. I'm still waiting on the security cameras and door buzzer, but for now I'm just carrying around my little 950,000 volt friend.
So last night there was a car parked up against the back gate. A newer car, but it looked like maybe it had broken down. Out front there were these three guys sort of just standing there. Not really doing anything, but not seeming like they had a reason to be there anyway. That's the type you have to watch out for. Just keep your head down, do your business, and get out. And that's what I did last night.
I wanted to get groceries last night, but it was too late. This is how shot I am. I did my grocery shopping at 7-11. I got a loaf of bread, some peanut butter and jelly, some bologna and some cheese. That will do me for a week. But you know its bad when you get home and you say, "Fuck I already had grape jelly." It's the sort of thing you shouldn't have to say more than once or twice in your entire life. I say it every time I buy grape jelly. See other shit goes bad, so I end up throwing it out. Jelly don't go bad. When I was seven a friendly neighbor brought us a jar of orange marmalade (I know, why would a friend give you marmalade?) Now it's not that we didn't use it, we did. It's just how much marmalade could you possibly use? And it was a big friggin' jar. I'm pretty sure it's still there. That marmalade outlasted three refrigerators, two kitchen redesigns, and the god damn neighbor that gave it to us. And I'm pretty sure it's still good (and by good I mean not rotten.)
So yeah, now I have two grape jellys. But I watched "Gone Baby Gone", which I thought was great and I got my Ipod Touch to connect to the internet so we're all good.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Monday Morning Foxhole
I found these while picking apart old stories I'd written. They were from a story called "The Battle of New Brunswick", I started to write it for a creative writing class and never got around to finishing. Two of the characters were roommates now trapped in a small building all alone while a war raged around them. They couldn't escape on their own, all the could do was wait to be rescued or discovered. Every time the story came back to them they would be in the middle of some strange discussion. I don't know why I picked these three, I guess they just made me laugh today.
“Who do you think buys the porno for Sperm Banks?”
“What?”
“You know, whenever you go in the sperm bank, they have pornos. Someone has to buy them.”
“How often are you in sperm banks?”
“That’s not the point.”
“What is the point?”
“I mean it’s not like they have subscriptions.”
“They might.”
“They don’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because if they did the magazines would have little stickers on them, and what about the videos?”
“When you get porno in the mail it comes in a bag man, the bags would have the stickers on them.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I get porno in the mail.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Anyway I’m betting they send a nurse out to get it or some shit.”
“Why?”
“Can you imagine a doctor going into the store and buying porn?”
“No I guess not.”
===
“Would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“What?”
“If you had to fuck a guy I mean.”
“Why would I have to fuck a guy?”
“I don’t know, just if you did, would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“Why?”
“I just want to know, would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“I don’t know. What about you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Good.”
“I mean you’d think it would be a skinny guy just because, but you know, if you’re going to fuck a guy you might as well go all out and fuck a fat guy, right?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“But then I started thinking, I mean, who wants to fuck a fat guy right? A skinny guy has his charms, I mean at least he’s fit right? Plus you get a few drinks in you, bend him over, you can pretend he’s a hot chick. A fat guy, well, if you’re fucking fat guy the best you can do is pretend he’s a fat chick, and, well...”
“As frightening as it is kid, you have a point.”
===
“I don’t like it when you wash my dishes.”
“What?”
“When you do my dishes for me, I don’t like it, I can do my own fucking dishes.”
“Then why do you let them sit in the sink?”
“Because I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”
“Right, I get around to them first and that’s the end of that.”
“No man it’s not. It’s not. I don’t like it when people do shit for me.”
“Oh yeah that make a lot of sense.”
“I’m serious.”
“Fine.”
“So no more doing my dishes?”
“What?”
“From now on, if I leave dishes in the sink, don’t fucking wash them.”
“Damn kid, I never would of guessed.”
“That it bothered me that much?”
“That you thought we were actually getting out of this.”
“Ha, yeah, eternal optimist you know.”
“Optimist I could do without.”
“But the eternal part would come in handy right about now wouldn’t it?”
“Who do you think buys the porno for Sperm Banks?”
“What?”
“You know, whenever you go in the sperm bank, they have pornos. Someone has to buy them.”
“How often are you in sperm banks?”
“That’s not the point.”
“What is the point?”
“I mean it’s not like they have subscriptions.”
“They might.”
“They don’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because if they did the magazines would have little stickers on them, and what about the videos?”
“When you get porno in the mail it comes in a bag man, the bags would have the stickers on them.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I get porno in the mail.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Anyway I’m betting they send a nurse out to get it or some shit.”
“Why?”
“Can you imagine a doctor going into the store and buying porn?”
“No I guess not.”
===
“Would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“What?”
“If you had to fuck a guy I mean.”
“Why would I have to fuck a guy?”
“I don’t know, just if you did, would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“Why?”
“I just want to know, would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“I don’t know. What about you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Good.”
“I mean you’d think it would be a skinny guy just because, but you know, if you’re going to fuck a guy you might as well go all out and fuck a fat guy, right?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“But then I started thinking, I mean, who wants to fuck a fat guy right? A skinny guy has his charms, I mean at least he’s fit right? Plus you get a few drinks in you, bend him over, you can pretend he’s a hot chick. A fat guy, well, if you’re fucking fat guy the best you can do is pretend he’s a fat chick, and, well...”
“As frightening as it is kid, you have a point.”
===
“I don’t like it when you wash my dishes.”
“What?”
“When you do my dishes for me, I don’t like it, I can do my own fucking dishes.”
“Then why do you let them sit in the sink?”
“Because I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”
“Right, I get around to them first and that’s the end of that.”
“No man it’s not. It’s not. I don’t like it when people do shit for me.”
“Oh yeah that make a lot of sense.”
“I’m serious.”
“Fine.”
“So no more doing my dishes?”
“What?”
“From now on, if I leave dishes in the sink, don’t fucking wash them.”
“Damn kid, I never would of guessed.”
“That it bothered me that much?”
“That you thought we were actually getting out of this.”
“Ha, yeah, eternal optimist you know.”
“Optimist I could do without.”
“But the eternal part would come in handy right about now wouldn’t it?”
Pee-Verse
So this is the first time in a week I'm not totally exhausted. Yesterday was the first time I got a real night's sleep since Antioch. Just so much that had to be done, so much I wanted to do, so much that if I hadn't done...oh boy. Of course sleeping for almost an entire day puts you behind in a million other ways. I still need to clean my house, I didn't make it grocery shopping, and there's a pile of papers on my desk that I swear wasn't their on Friday.
Furthermore for some reason there is a blemish on my jaw that yesterday had swollen up to the size of a ping-pong ball. Now it's come down a bit, but it still sucks. It's not that I give a rat's ass about the way it looks, but it's weird for people to go, "What happened?" and me to have to say, "Nothing." It's like they think I'm lying. Like I got in a fight and some guy clocked me and I just don't want to talk about it.
I finished reading "The Year of Living Biblically" the other day. It was one of the better books I've read in awhile, and I think I'll check out the authors other book at some point. But when I went to the store the other day I was planning on going in another direction. I picked up the new Laymon book ('course he's been dead seven years this month I think, so how "New" could it be.) and as I was wandering out of the store a memoir called "Are You There God? It's Me. Kevin."
I picked it up because it looked interesting, and started reading it Saturday night. It seemed pretty good, but nothing jumped out at me early on, until I put the book down that is. I dropped it on top of "A Year of Living Biblically" on the bathroom floor (where that book will lie per the leave 'em where ya finish 'em policy). As I sat there I read the comments on the back of the book. There was one writer blurb praising this author's previous book. The writer blurb was by a guy named A.J. Jacobs...who happened to write "The Year of Living Biblically". Small world, eh?
Anyway...I've got a ton of shit to do here. So I might go grab some hot chocolate instead of actually doing it.
Furthermore for some reason there is a blemish on my jaw that yesterday had swollen up to the size of a ping-pong ball. Now it's come down a bit, but it still sucks. It's not that I give a rat's ass about the way it looks, but it's weird for people to go, "What happened?" and me to have to say, "Nothing." It's like they think I'm lying. Like I got in a fight and some guy clocked me and I just don't want to talk about it.
I finished reading "The Year of Living Biblically" the other day. It was one of the better books I've read in awhile, and I think I'll check out the authors other book at some point. But when I went to the store the other day I was planning on going in another direction. I picked up the new Laymon book ('course he's been dead seven years this month I think, so how "New" could it be.) and as I was wandering out of the store a memoir called "Are You There God? It's Me. Kevin."
I picked it up because it looked interesting, and started reading it Saturday night. It seemed pretty good, but nothing jumped out at me early on, until I put the book down that is. I dropped it on top of "A Year of Living Biblically" on the bathroom floor (where that book will lie per the leave 'em where ya finish 'em policy). As I sat there I read the comments on the back of the book. There was one writer blurb praising this author's previous book. The writer blurb was by a guy named A.J. Jacobs...who happened to write "The Year of Living Biblically". Small world, eh?
Anyway...I've got a ton of shit to do here. So I might go grab some hot chocolate instead of actually doing it.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Doctor Doctor
Have I mentioned how much I hate going to the doctor's?
It's not that I have anything against the doctor's themselves, anyone who is forced by their profession to see me in one of those little paper robe type things is deserving of both my utmost respect and sympathy. I just hate the entire idea of the doctor's.
Most fat people do I think.
See, since I was little anytime I went to the doctor with anything wrong at all their response would be that it was somehow related to my weight. Now I'm smart enough to know that in large part that is true. Being as overweight as me is a disgusting health risk. It's stupid and dangerous and can and will cause all kinds of health problems which will eventually kill me. I get that. But that one time when I had a runny nose that wouldn't stop running? Not because I'm fat. Or when I got that rash on my shoulder blades? Not because I'm fat. The time I cut my thumb with the razor? Because I was clumsy, not because I'm fat. Yet everytime they make it seem like the only reason you're having this problem is because you're overweight. So when I went back into the doctor's today I was ready to here that the problem I've been having lately is because I'm fat...mostly because I was thinking this might be one of those cases.
There's nothing debilitatingly wrong with me. I've always had problems with things like headaches, nosebleeds, nausea, and insomnia. They go all the way back to when I was a kid. They don't usually bother me, or slow me down, or even catch my notice. But about three weeks ago I started getting these brief dull painful headaches, a little bit of dizziness, and nosebleeds all at once. This freaked me out a little. This seemed new.
Usually it would happen sitting in my office, or on the couch watching tv, once even while driving. But Sunday night it happened in a restaurant with a bunch of people around. It happened again Wednesday after I had visited the kids. And last night it happened while I was being sick from something totally different.
So today I went to see the doctor again. It's not something I do very often. The young lady who took my blood pressure was very nice but when she said the numbers I almost fell over. I asked her to take it again. Just a few months ago my blood pressure was excellent, if she was right I'd gone from good blood pressure to borderline dangerous blood pressure in just a few months. When the doctor came in he checked it again, the numbers had swung again. My blood pressure isn't dangerous yet, but it was all over the place. The doctor didnt' seem to like that.
Then he began the poking and prodding. This is the part I really don't like. First he sticks this this device in my mouth, then he sticks it in my ear, then he sticks it in my nose...so far up that if I wasn't already having nosebleeds I'm sure I would now.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks a little irritated."
"Hmmm," I say, "so am I."
We talk for a bit, and he decides that there's nothing really wrong with me. He can't tell me what's been causing these spells, he doubts it has to do with the blood pressure, but he figures it's probably a combination of that and other things. Weather, sinuses, a change in diet perhaps. Maybe just the way I lay my head when I sleep at night. A million things I'd thought of, but nothing I could say definitively either way. I'm glad he thinks it's probably nothing, even though that means for now I just have to live with it. I figure I'm done. But not so fast...
"You're probably fine, but I'd like to run a few more tests."
What? Have I just been downgraded in the time it took me to put my shirt back on?
He tells me to strip down and get in one of those paper gown type things. To which I laugh and reply, "Why not just give me three and let me tie them together?"
He laughs and tells me I can leave my pants on if I take my shirt off, my ring off, empty my pockets, and remove my belt otherwise it will screw up the EKG.
Sounds like a good deal to me. Except why do I need an EKG?
"No reason. Just to be safe."
Cool. I'm all for being safe.
So there I am holding my pants up with my hand when the young lady who took my blood pressure comes back in, she explains to me what an EKG is, even though I already had a good idea, and how it's a simple and common test that they do all the time. Then she tells me to lay down.
So I'm laying there staring up at the light in the ceiling thinking how they should use a different kind of bulb to make the room feel warmer when all of a sudden she sticks something to my chest, and continues to stick other things to my chest at random points. I ask her what this is. She explains that these sticky things are the points she will be attaching the wires too for the EKG. I could have figure that out, what I really wanted to know was how she planned on removing these things without ripping every piece of hair off my chest by the roots.
So we're sitting there very quietly, when out of nowhere, the machine beeps. I figure this means we're done, but instead she tinkers with something and we stay quiet. The machine beeps again, but still we're sitting there. I'm starting to wonder what the beeps mean, but I stay quiet not entirely sure how this test works and not wanting to throw anything off. Suddenly there is a commotion in the hall. It seems like everyone who works there had their children with them because of the snow day. Considering there are only a few people working the place is just lousy with kids. When the noise starts in the hall my nurse bolts. Leaving the door wide open and me laying shirtless on the the table, like a beached whale with wires running out of me. The machine beeps. But there's no one there to tinker with it. The machine beeps again. Uh-oh. The third time the machine beeps with no one there I almost shit myself a little thinking what the hell is going on? If the lady hadn't come back when she did they would have been able to collect a stool sample out of my shorts.
Have I mentioned how I hate the doctor's?
Finally she tells me the test is done, and as she unclips the wires I see she's smiling a little. I'm curious, and suddenly realize the sticky things are still on my chest. "Hey," I say as she reaches out, "is this going to hu..."
And Julius F*ing Ceasar, she rips the first one off...along with every hair on my chest it seems like.
She laughs, "I would have warned you but that seems to make it worse." Ignoring the fact she's got like six more to pull off. When she's done she's still laughing. She asks if I'm ok. And I say, "I will be, but don't try and take my blood pressure right now."
Again, I think I'm done. Here comes Doc, "You can put your shirt back on, but we're going to need to take some blood."
What?
"Don't worry though," he says, "Your EKG was fine. Really good. Nothing to worry about."
And being the paranoid fuck that I am for a second I think, "Who are we trying to convince here?"
A half hour later I've pissed in a cup, filled five vials with blood, and am on my way with reassurances that as long as I watch my blood pressure everything is fine and that the spells are likely nothing and will go away as quickly as they came. This is a relief. Until I get in the car...and find I have a bloody nose.
Fuck all.
It's not that I have anything against the doctor's themselves, anyone who is forced by their profession to see me in one of those little paper robe type things is deserving of both my utmost respect and sympathy. I just hate the entire idea of the doctor's.
Most fat people do I think.
See, since I was little anytime I went to the doctor with anything wrong at all their response would be that it was somehow related to my weight. Now I'm smart enough to know that in large part that is true. Being as overweight as me is a disgusting health risk. It's stupid and dangerous and can and will cause all kinds of health problems which will eventually kill me. I get that. But that one time when I had a runny nose that wouldn't stop running? Not because I'm fat. Or when I got that rash on my shoulder blades? Not because I'm fat. The time I cut my thumb with the razor? Because I was clumsy, not because I'm fat. Yet everytime they make it seem like the only reason you're having this problem is because you're overweight. So when I went back into the doctor's today I was ready to here that the problem I've been having lately is because I'm fat...mostly because I was thinking this might be one of those cases.
There's nothing debilitatingly wrong with me. I've always had problems with things like headaches, nosebleeds, nausea, and insomnia. They go all the way back to when I was a kid. They don't usually bother me, or slow me down, or even catch my notice. But about three weeks ago I started getting these brief dull painful headaches, a little bit of dizziness, and nosebleeds all at once. This freaked me out a little. This seemed new.
Usually it would happen sitting in my office, or on the couch watching tv, once even while driving. But Sunday night it happened in a restaurant with a bunch of people around. It happened again Wednesday after I had visited the kids. And last night it happened while I was being sick from something totally different.
So today I went to see the doctor again. It's not something I do very often. The young lady who took my blood pressure was very nice but when she said the numbers I almost fell over. I asked her to take it again. Just a few months ago my blood pressure was excellent, if she was right I'd gone from good blood pressure to borderline dangerous blood pressure in just a few months. When the doctor came in he checked it again, the numbers had swung again. My blood pressure isn't dangerous yet, but it was all over the place. The doctor didnt' seem to like that.
Then he began the poking and prodding. This is the part I really don't like. First he sticks this this device in my mouth, then he sticks it in my ear, then he sticks it in my nose...so far up that if I wasn't already having nosebleeds I'm sure I would now.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks a little irritated."
"Hmmm," I say, "so am I."
We talk for a bit, and he decides that there's nothing really wrong with me. He can't tell me what's been causing these spells, he doubts it has to do with the blood pressure, but he figures it's probably a combination of that and other things. Weather, sinuses, a change in diet perhaps. Maybe just the way I lay my head when I sleep at night. A million things I'd thought of, but nothing I could say definitively either way. I'm glad he thinks it's probably nothing, even though that means for now I just have to live with it. I figure I'm done. But not so fast...
"You're probably fine, but I'd like to run a few more tests."
What? Have I just been downgraded in the time it took me to put my shirt back on?
He tells me to strip down and get in one of those paper gown type things. To which I laugh and reply, "Why not just give me three and let me tie them together?"
He laughs and tells me I can leave my pants on if I take my shirt off, my ring off, empty my pockets, and remove my belt otherwise it will screw up the EKG.
Sounds like a good deal to me. Except why do I need an EKG?
"No reason. Just to be safe."
Cool. I'm all for being safe.
So there I am holding my pants up with my hand when the young lady who took my blood pressure comes back in, she explains to me what an EKG is, even though I already had a good idea, and how it's a simple and common test that they do all the time. Then she tells me to lay down.
So I'm laying there staring up at the light in the ceiling thinking how they should use a different kind of bulb to make the room feel warmer when all of a sudden she sticks something to my chest, and continues to stick other things to my chest at random points. I ask her what this is. She explains that these sticky things are the points she will be attaching the wires too for the EKG. I could have figure that out, what I really wanted to know was how she planned on removing these things without ripping every piece of hair off my chest by the roots.
So we're sitting there very quietly, when out of nowhere, the machine beeps. I figure this means we're done, but instead she tinkers with something and we stay quiet. The machine beeps again, but still we're sitting there. I'm starting to wonder what the beeps mean, but I stay quiet not entirely sure how this test works and not wanting to throw anything off. Suddenly there is a commotion in the hall. It seems like everyone who works there had their children with them because of the snow day. Considering there are only a few people working the place is just lousy with kids. When the noise starts in the hall my nurse bolts. Leaving the door wide open and me laying shirtless on the the table, like a beached whale with wires running out of me. The machine beeps. But there's no one there to tinker with it. The machine beeps again. Uh-oh. The third time the machine beeps with no one there I almost shit myself a little thinking what the hell is going on? If the lady hadn't come back when she did they would have been able to collect a stool sample out of my shorts.
Have I mentioned how I hate the doctor's?
Finally she tells me the test is done, and as she unclips the wires I see she's smiling a little. I'm curious, and suddenly realize the sticky things are still on my chest. "Hey," I say as she reaches out, "is this going to hu..."
And Julius F*ing Ceasar, she rips the first one off...along with every hair on my chest it seems like.
She laughs, "I would have warned you but that seems to make it worse." Ignoring the fact she's got like six more to pull off. When she's done she's still laughing. She asks if I'm ok. And I say, "I will be, but don't try and take my blood pressure right now."
Again, I think I'm done. Here comes Doc, "You can put your shirt back on, but we're going to need to take some blood."
What?
"Don't worry though," he says, "Your EKG was fine. Really good. Nothing to worry about."
And being the paranoid fuck that I am for a second I think, "Who are we trying to convince here?"
A half hour later I've pissed in a cup, filled five vials with blood, and am on my way with reassurances that as long as I watch my blood pressure everything is fine and that the spells are likely nothing and will go away as quickly as they came. This is a relief. Until I get in the car...and find I have a bloody nose.
Fuck all.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Julius F*ing Ceasar!
I always do this. I jinx myself. I was just talking earlier about how I was happy with my collection. I'm totally out of room, so I figured now would be a good time to stop. But like always...something pops up. So I have a little extra cash (don't ask me how, I've never figured out where it comes from, it just seems to appear sometimes) in part because I had figured the 3 Sideshow Legendary Busts in my budget (about $250 each) and the Infinity Gauntlet and Thor's Helmet (about $350 each). So suddenly I've got like $1,400 unbudgeted dollars. I was thinking of maybe blowing it on Go-Go Dancers and Bourbon. But fate hath intervened.
So I was checking Sideshow (an unhealthy habit I've acquired and what do I see but that they're re-issuing the Hellboy Samaritan. I'm a little peeved. I paid a premium for one not a month ago based on the fact that they only made 1,000 and were tougher and tougher to find in mint condition. And suddenly they're doing another run of a nearly (if not) identical gun. The base is different though, they're calling it the Hellboy II version. I wasn't going to jump on it even though it would be nice to be the first owner of one, until I saw what the exclusive version came with. Glowing bullets. That's right...glowing bullets. I got so excited I was erect. I know, I'm such a friggin' dork. Deal with it.
While looking I also saw that the new life-size Iron Man bust opened for pre-order so I tagged one of those too. Probably going to cancel one later, but who knows. Anyway, I've been wicked sick all afternoon. Going to try and catch some sleep before the night guys start coming in and I have to get back to actually doing something.
Travel well friends.
So I was checking Sideshow (an unhealthy habit I've acquired and what do I see but that they're re-issuing the Hellboy Samaritan. I'm a little peeved. I paid a premium for one not a month ago based on the fact that they only made 1,000 and were tougher and tougher to find in mint condition. And suddenly they're doing another run of a nearly (if not) identical gun. The base is different though, they're calling it the Hellboy II version. I wasn't going to jump on it even though it would be nice to be the first owner of one, until I saw what the exclusive version came with. Glowing bullets. That's right...glowing bullets. I got so excited I was erect. I know, I'm such a friggin' dork. Deal with it.
While looking I also saw that the new life-size Iron Man bust opened for pre-order so I tagged one of those too. Probably going to cancel one later, but who knows. Anyway, I've been wicked sick all afternoon. Going to try and catch some sleep before the night guys start coming in and I have to get back to actually doing something.
Travel well friends.
The Tesseract Hypothesis
So my collection is essentially complete. I've called off the Infinity Gauntlet and Thor's Helmet, called off several busts because I'm out of room. Like I mentioned a few posts back I'm still waiting on The Thing, but that's pretty much it. Sort of means I'm on to the next hobby, on to the next collection.
I'm going to have to spend a little time straightening out my desk first though. I said yesterday I had it almost cleared off, but then the mail came. It was like they forgot to deliver the mail all week because now I'm swamped.
It's supposed to snow tonight. I'm not really looking forward to cleaning it up, but I wouldn't mind a good clean snow right about now. I'm sort of looking forward to warmer weather, but I don't really have anything planned for the summer. Last year we had bachelor parties and weddings spread throughout. This year, not so much.
It was good to see everybody at the Youth Ministry meeting last night, good to know everyone had a good time over the weekend. We started to plan for something, but I'm not really sure what we settled on. Everyone's schedules are so totally hectic. Such is life. I've got June 7th marked on my calendar still. Going to have to come up with something good for that one. Hopefully everyone makes it.
I was sick again last night. That's twice since the spell on Sunday. It doesn't seem to be having any adverse affect on me though. It's like I'm ill for a few seconds, maybe a minute, and then I'm fine. My blood pressure isn't high and everything else is well within normal limits (which is sort of weird for a guy of my size) so I'm not really sure what's going on here. It could just be this crazy weather. We will see.
So anyway, been a long week already, and I'm sure tomorrow won't be any easier. So I'm going to just sort of muddle through today getting as much done as I can and then try and take it easy tonight. Maybe go see the kids, maybe go grab a drink. Who knows.
Actually... I do.
I'm going to have to spend a little time straightening out my desk first though. I said yesterday I had it almost cleared off, but then the mail came. It was like they forgot to deliver the mail all week because now I'm swamped.
It's supposed to snow tonight. I'm not really looking forward to cleaning it up, but I wouldn't mind a good clean snow right about now. I'm sort of looking forward to warmer weather, but I don't really have anything planned for the summer. Last year we had bachelor parties and weddings spread throughout. This year, not so much.
It was good to see everybody at the Youth Ministry meeting last night, good to know everyone had a good time over the weekend. We started to plan for something, but I'm not really sure what we settled on. Everyone's schedules are so totally hectic. Such is life. I've got June 7th marked on my calendar still. Going to have to come up with something good for that one. Hopefully everyone makes it.
I was sick again last night. That's twice since the spell on Sunday. It doesn't seem to be having any adverse affect on me though. It's like I'm ill for a few seconds, maybe a minute, and then I'm fine. My blood pressure isn't high and everything else is well within normal limits (which is sort of weird for a guy of my size) so I'm not really sure what's going on here. It could just be this crazy weather. We will see.
So anyway, been a long week already, and I'm sure tomorrow won't be any easier. So I'm going to just sort of muddle through today getting as much done as I can and then try and take it easy tonight. Maybe go see the kids, maybe go grab a drink. Who knows.
Actually... I do.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
ReDacted
So anyone who may read this knows I very rarely remove something or edit something I've already written. This is one of those cases where I've had to.
Michelle objected to my portrayal of our break up, which is fine, and asked that I remove it from the post as she felt that things I alluded to portrayed her in a negative light. This is also fine.
I love Michelle. I think I always have. She's not just a good friend, she's a great person. I was never trying to portray her in a bad light, I was just telling the story of what happened and she felt it seemed that way. I'm sorry about that. It's not her fault what we were doing didn't work out. It's mine. 100% my fault. I know that and so does everybody else. But that doesn't mean I did anything wrong, there were just a whole lot of things which I didn't do right. That doesn't make me the bad guy.
I don't like changing things I've written, but if someone feels hurt and it was not my intention, then I don't really have a problem removing it. I won't change what I've said, or write something that revises the way I see things, but I'll take it down. No problem.
Relationships don't always end well, we've all known that all along. And bad relationships tend to end badly. That's what happened here. It's sad, and unfortunate, but there's not a whole lot I can do about that. It was a bad idea destined for a bad end. And now that we've gotten to the end there's not a whole lot I can say.
It was worth a shot. I'm glad we tried. I'm sorry it didn't work out. But it's damn shame what this has all turned into.
Michelle objected to my portrayal of our break up, which is fine, and asked that I remove it from the post as she felt that things I alluded to portrayed her in a negative light. This is also fine.
I love Michelle. I think I always have. She's not just a good friend, she's a great person. I was never trying to portray her in a bad light, I was just telling the story of what happened and she felt it seemed that way. I'm sorry about that. It's not her fault what we were doing didn't work out. It's mine. 100% my fault. I know that and so does everybody else. But that doesn't mean I did anything wrong, there were just a whole lot of things which I didn't do right. That doesn't make me the bad guy.
I don't like changing things I've written, but if someone feels hurt and it was not my intention, then I don't really have a problem removing it. I won't change what I've said, or write something that revises the way I see things, but I'll take it down. No problem.
Relationships don't always end well, we've all known that all along. And bad relationships tend to end badly. That's what happened here. It's sad, and unfortunate, but there's not a whole lot I can do about that. It was a bad idea destined for a bad end. And now that we've gotten to the end there's not a whole lot I can say.
It was worth a shot. I'm glad we tried. I'm sorry it didn't work out. But it's damn shame what this has all turned into.
Due
So I got my Flash v. Gorilla Grod Statue and my Phantom Bust last night. Then I hung out with the kids for a little bit and played Clue. It's more like teaching then playing. When I was a kid I was really good at that game (sucked at most other board games though). Now I'm just trying to show them how to play a little.
I also got the light switch for the display case finally, so tonight I'll get a good look at it fully lit up. It sucks a little though because I really enjoyed this collection and now I'm just about done. I've cancelled a few pre-order pieces because I'm out of room, and will have to give a few pieces to the rookie just to make proper room for what I have. The only pre-order I didn't cancel was The Thing. Mostly because I really want it and secondly because it would be a pain in the ass to cancel a pre-order I pre-paid for.
I'm finally getting my desk cleaned off a little. Going to get a bit busier in the next few days which sucks, but I should be ready for it. I've got a meeting in 12 minutes with someone who wants me to spend more money on something I might not need, but that could make things around here better. So I'll have to hear him out.
Tonight is the follow-up meeting for the Antioch candidates. Mrs.K invited us all to join in and it sounds like quite a few of us will be going. It will probably be a little awkward because the post-relationship relationship isn't going very well at all, but I really want to go and see everybody so I'll probably make it there anyway.
I can't really say enough about how much I wish things had worked out between Michelle and I, or about how horrible I feel that they didn't. It's the type of thing that will swallow me up for awhile and slow me down just enough for me to notice. She doesn't particularly like the fact that I write about what happened here, and I'm sorry for that, but I sort of have to. It's part of my story whether I like it or not.
I really don't have anything planned for the next little while, no one to see after tonight, nothing to do. It makes everything a little tougher. Makes everything a little worse. But it won't be the first time, and probably won't be the last time.
A side note...my father turned 69 years old today. He's in Florida and I hope he's doing something fun, hope he's having a blast. I haven't called him yet today. I'll probably get in touch with him just a little bit later. I don't really have an idea of what it would be like to reach an age like that. Can't really picture it.
But there's a whole lot of things I just can't picture right now. Whole lot of things I'm still hoping to see.
I also got the light switch for the display case finally, so tonight I'll get a good look at it fully lit up. It sucks a little though because I really enjoyed this collection and now I'm just about done. I've cancelled a few pre-order pieces because I'm out of room, and will have to give a few pieces to the rookie just to make proper room for what I have. The only pre-order I didn't cancel was The Thing. Mostly because I really want it and secondly because it would be a pain in the ass to cancel a pre-order I pre-paid for.
I'm finally getting my desk cleaned off a little. Going to get a bit busier in the next few days which sucks, but I should be ready for it. I've got a meeting in 12 minutes with someone who wants me to spend more money on something I might not need, but that could make things around here better. So I'll have to hear him out.
Tonight is the follow-up meeting for the Antioch candidates. Mrs.K invited us all to join in and it sounds like quite a few of us will be going. It will probably be a little awkward because the post-relationship relationship isn't going very well at all, but I really want to go and see everybody so I'll probably make it there anyway.
I can't really say enough about how much I wish things had worked out between Michelle and I, or about how horrible I feel that they didn't. It's the type of thing that will swallow me up for awhile and slow me down just enough for me to notice. She doesn't particularly like the fact that I write about what happened here, and I'm sorry for that, but I sort of have to. It's part of my story whether I like it or not.
I really don't have anything planned for the next little while, no one to see after tonight, nothing to do. It makes everything a little tougher. Makes everything a little worse. But it won't be the first time, and probably won't be the last time.
A side note...my father turned 69 years old today. He's in Florida and I hope he's doing something fun, hope he's having a blast. I haven't called him yet today. I'll probably get in touch with him just a little bit later. I don't really have an idea of what it would be like to reach an age like that. Can't really picture it.
But there's a whole lot of things I just can't picture right now. Whole lot of things I'm still hoping to see.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Authenticity
What kind of coward would I be? I've asked myself that several times in the past few weeks. I've taken strength from unexpected places, and been lifted up by people whom I will owe a lifetime of gratitude. And still...
The week after Antioch is always the toughest. There is this great sense of loss, like you have come so close to touching something miraculous only to fall off at the last second and be plunged back into the harsh, cold, and uncaring real world.
Like you've almost grasped the Golden Ring, and somehow ended up face down in the dirt, completely empty handed.
You're suddenly left without people who you have come to believe are essential to the very being of your soul.
It gets tougher every year.
And then of course...other things go wrong.
********XXXXXXXXXXXX***************************************
On top of that I got a pretty disturbing phonecall right in the middle of it all. A phonecall which said something so totally outrageous that it's hard to believe...except for the fact that I'd considered it before, even if for just a second. I should probably ignore it, probably just let it go. There's so much potential for wrong here that it's not even close to being funny. But there's that part of me that just has to know. That part of me which is curious. See I know that no matter how it turns out, it won't affect me in any way. But I still need to know, I still need to be sure.
So Antioch's over, and I've lost another friend. I'm fairly sick, though nobody's quite sure what's wrong with me. Work is busy, and there's no relief on the horizon. Things should be bleak and grey. But they're not. I don't know exactly why that is. I just know that there are people out there, whether they're in my life still or not. People who I care about. People who at one point or another cared about me. How they feel about me may change, but how I feel about them stays exactly the same.
My name is Christian Palomba.
And I'm ready for whatever comes next.
The week after Antioch is always the toughest. There is this great sense of loss, like you have come so close to touching something miraculous only to fall off at the last second and be plunged back into the harsh, cold, and uncaring real world.
Like you've almost grasped the Golden Ring, and somehow ended up face down in the dirt, completely empty handed.
You're suddenly left without people who you have come to believe are essential to the very being of your soul.
It gets tougher every year.
And then of course...other things go wrong.
********XXXXXXXXXXXX***************************************
On top of that I got a pretty disturbing phonecall right in the middle of it all. A phonecall which said something so totally outrageous that it's hard to believe...except for the fact that I'd considered it before, even if for just a second. I should probably ignore it, probably just let it go. There's so much potential for wrong here that it's not even close to being funny. But there's that part of me that just has to know. That part of me which is curious. See I know that no matter how it turns out, it won't affect me in any way. But I still need to know, I still need to be sure.
So Antioch's over, and I've lost another friend. I'm fairly sick, though nobody's quite sure what's wrong with me. Work is busy, and there's no relief on the horizon. Things should be bleak and grey. But they're not. I don't know exactly why that is. I just know that there are people out there, whether they're in my life still or not. People who I care about. People who at one point or another cared about me. How they feel about me may change, but how I feel about them stays exactly the same.
My name is Christian Palomba.
And I'm ready for whatever comes next.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Leviticus or Palancas I Should Have Written or Things I Probably Shouldn't Say But Am Saying Anyway
So this year I sent home an entire group of 15 year olds home with the lesson that if a guy has an improper discharge, he's unclean for seven days.
Yeah...it's just too easy sometimes.
Antioch 2008: You Gotta F*ing Be Kidding Me.
I can't believe I'm still there. Something like thirteen years now, ain't that something?
We had another great group of kids this year. Another group I'm ridiculously pleased with. Another group I hope returns more than a few kids.
It's different now than it used to be, the kids are different, they do things differently. They interact, and fight, and hold grudges differently.
They hurt me differently.
I love them just the same.
I can't always say the things I want to say to them. Sometimes it is just tough, and sometimes it would be foolish.
But I still want to say these things...even if no one will ever see it.
To That End...Here Are The Palancas I Should Have Written:
Mike...Mike and I are a little bit a like. We both think really stupid shit on a fairly constant basis. I've just got ten years more practice at not saying that stupid shit. Mike and I would have been best friends if we had gone to high school together. I can just tell. He's what I would call a great guy in the making...he's not quite there yet, but when he grows up a little more...he'll be a great guy.
Alyssa D. ... Mike is an unfathomably lucky guy to have a girl as great as Alyssa. She's nice, funny, and fun to be around. She's just a cool kid. Plus she is constantly busting my chops...which means she's pretty nervy too.
Nicole... I don't know Nicole very well even though she's been around awhile, but I do know she is always on top of shit. Never complains about anything that she has to do, always makes sure things are getting done. She never seems to have to ask any questions, she's always just ready. It's a trait I admire very much in people, and I certainly admire Nicole very much for it.
Collette...I can't say enough good things about Collette. She's just a really special person, and though I can tell she struggles sometimes, I have no doubt she's not just going to be ok in the end...she's going to be great.
Kelsey...Another one I can't say enough great things about. Kelsey is a very special kid. Someday she'll be a very special woman. I worry about some of these kids sometimes, and I worry about Kelsey too, just not as much. I just can't imagine Kelsey not becoming something great. Like a lot of these kids she has a lot working against her, but unlike some of these kids she just seems equipped to overcome. She's a person I like a whole hell of a lot from a family I like a whole hell of a lot. Just good people.
Jacqueline... It still boggles my mind that Jacqueline is the little girl I used to see in the house whenever I visited an old friend when I was younger. She is just a top notch person, and the fact that after knowing her for so many years I finally have gotten to know her a little better in the past year is just an added bonus.
Alyssa M. ... I am so proud of the job Alyssa did this weekend. She's almost like a throwback to the old teams. She would have fit in so well with them that it's almost a shame she never got the chance. She was our only new team member this year, but she fit in so perfectly that it wasn't even noticeable. I can't tell you how many times I totally forgot this was her first year on team. That alone tells you something.
Adriana... I love this kid. I mean, I love all these kids, but particularly her. If my little sister turns out half as good as this girl, I'd be ridiculously pleased. She's always got so much going on though, I constantly find myself feeling bad that she's upset over something that no one really could have controlled. She's a tough kid though. I don't just think she'll be fine, I know she'll be fine. And I hope she knows that if she ever needs anything...I'm right here.
Rickey... The fact that I don't see Rickey outside of Antioch more is a god damn tragedy. I'm never really sure how Rick squares with a lot of people, but he's always been a good guy in my estimation. Being around Rick is like having an extra brother around, and not just an extra brother, but an extra brother who is also really really cool.
Michelle...I don't have to say anything about Michelle. I've said it all before, and I'm sure I'll say it all again.
I'm not the type to do something just because everyone tells me to do it. So when I say that I love these kids, it's not because I feel obligated to say that...it's because I need to say that. Because I really need them to know.
And as a final postscript: I don't know where I'll be for Antioch 2009. I like to think I'd be right there with my team. But I'm not sure. Not sure if I'll be anywhere. I've been pretty sick pretty often lately. And tonight in Applebees I caught a spell and my nose began to bleed almost immediately. It was scary. Not because it hasn't happened before, but because it doesn't happen right in front of everybody very often.
I'm a little nervous.
That's a lilttle new.
We'll just have to wait and see what happens next.
But for now...another one in the books, another great one if you ask me.
Love you all.
Travel Well.
Yeah...it's just too easy sometimes.
Antioch 2008: You Gotta F*ing Be Kidding Me.
I can't believe I'm still there. Something like thirteen years now, ain't that something?
We had another great group of kids this year. Another group I'm ridiculously pleased with. Another group I hope returns more than a few kids.
It's different now than it used to be, the kids are different, they do things differently. They interact, and fight, and hold grudges differently.
They hurt me differently.
I love them just the same.
I can't always say the things I want to say to them. Sometimes it is just tough, and sometimes it would be foolish.
But I still want to say these things...even if no one will ever see it.
To That End...Here Are The Palancas I Should Have Written:
Mike...Mike and I are a little bit a like. We both think really stupid shit on a fairly constant basis. I've just got ten years more practice at not saying that stupid shit. Mike and I would have been best friends if we had gone to high school together. I can just tell. He's what I would call a great guy in the making...he's not quite there yet, but when he grows up a little more...he'll be a great guy.
Alyssa D. ... Mike is an unfathomably lucky guy to have a girl as great as Alyssa. She's nice, funny, and fun to be around. She's just a cool kid. Plus she is constantly busting my chops...which means she's pretty nervy too.
Nicole... I don't know Nicole very well even though she's been around awhile, but I do know she is always on top of shit. Never complains about anything that she has to do, always makes sure things are getting done. She never seems to have to ask any questions, she's always just ready. It's a trait I admire very much in people, and I certainly admire Nicole very much for it.
Collette...I can't say enough good things about Collette. She's just a really special person, and though I can tell she struggles sometimes, I have no doubt she's not just going to be ok in the end...she's going to be great.
Kelsey...Another one I can't say enough great things about. Kelsey is a very special kid. Someday she'll be a very special woman. I worry about some of these kids sometimes, and I worry about Kelsey too, just not as much. I just can't imagine Kelsey not becoming something great. Like a lot of these kids she has a lot working against her, but unlike some of these kids she just seems equipped to overcome. She's a person I like a whole hell of a lot from a family I like a whole hell of a lot. Just good people.
Jacqueline... It still boggles my mind that Jacqueline is the little girl I used to see in the house whenever I visited an old friend when I was younger. She is just a top notch person, and the fact that after knowing her for so many years I finally have gotten to know her a little better in the past year is just an added bonus.
Alyssa M. ... I am so proud of the job Alyssa did this weekend. She's almost like a throwback to the old teams. She would have fit in so well with them that it's almost a shame she never got the chance. She was our only new team member this year, but she fit in so perfectly that it wasn't even noticeable. I can't tell you how many times I totally forgot this was her first year on team. That alone tells you something.
Adriana... I love this kid. I mean, I love all these kids, but particularly her. If my little sister turns out half as good as this girl, I'd be ridiculously pleased. She's always got so much going on though, I constantly find myself feeling bad that she's upset over something that no one really could have controlled. She's a tough kid though. I don't just think she'll be fine, I know she'll be fine. And I hope she knows that if she ever needs anything...I'm right here.
Rickey... The fact that I don't see Rickey outside of Antioch more is a god damn tragedy. I'm never really sure how Rick squares with a lot of people, but he's always been a good guy in my estimation. Being around Rick is like having an extra brother around, and not just an extra brother, but an extra brother who is also really really cool.
Michelle...I don't have to say anything about Michelle. I've said it all before, and I'm sure I'll say it all again.
I'm not the type to do something just because everyone tells me to do it. So when I say that I love these kids, it's not because I feel obligated to say that...it's because I need to say that. Because I really need them to know.
And as a final postscript: I don't know where I'll be for Antioch 2009. I like to think I'd be right there with my team. But I'm not sure. Not sure if I'll be anywhere. I've been pretty sick pretty often lately. And tonight in Applebees I caught a spell and my nose began to bleed almost immediately. It was scary. Not because it hasn't happened before, but because it doesn't happen right in front of everybody very often.
I'm a little nervous.
That's a lilttle new.
We'll just have to wait and see what happens next.
But for now...another one in the books, another great one if you ask me.
Love you all.
Travel Well.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Need
I just need to know...and then I'll never ask again.
I know you're looking at this.
I know.
And I need to know...
Are you laughing at me?
I know you're looking at this.
I know.
And I need to know...
Are you laughing at me?
...
I really wanted to show the video of Zednik getting his throat sliced open during the hockey game the other night...but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I decided to show a Canadian PSA instead.
Damn Canadians all being good at making a point.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Is This Real?
"I can't believe this is happening."
"You had to expect it would eventually."
"No, not really. I never did."
"Oh."
"There's nothing we can do is there?"
"I think everything we could do, we've already done."
"Then there's nothing left to say except, I'm sorry."
"I'm not."
"Good."
"You had to expect it would eventually."
"No, not really. I never did."
"Oh."
"There's nothing we can do is there?"
"I think everything we could do, we've already done."
"Then there's nothing left to say except, I'm sorry."
"I'm not."
"Good."
Friday, February 08, 2008
Life
"Hey. What are you doing still in the office at 11:oo on a Friday night? Don't you have any life?"
"Life? Life? I've got my girlfriend who I haven't seen in a week but can't stay up for a movie on a Friday night and gave up alcohol for Lent so I'd actually have to entertain her, I've got a Russian go-go dancer who won't stop calling me to come down to the bar because it's slow and she needs someone to talk to, I just found out that an old friend's cancer is in remission, I've talked to a half dozen people I haven't seen in years in the last three days, in the last month I've spent $8,000 on comic book memorabilia, one of the greatest (or worst) weekends in my life is coming up fast and I'm not even close to being ready, I'm so friggin' swamped at work I can't even breathe and at 11:00 on a Friday night I'm sitting at my desk pricing jobs, writing a talk about the bible and realizing that I've never felt so horrible or so great ever. Life? I can't handle anymore life right now...and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Uh...sorry I asked."
"Life? Life? I've got my girlfriend who I haven't seen in a week but can't stay up for a movie on a Friday night and gave up alcohol for Lent so I'd actually have to entertain her, I've got a Russian go-go dancer who won't stop calling me to come down to the bar because it's slow and she needs someone to talk to, I just found out that an old friend's cancer is in remission, I've talked to a half dozen people I haven't seen in years in the last three days, in the last month I've spent $8,000 on comic book memorabilia, one of the greatest (or worst) weekends in my life is coming up fast and I'm not even close to being ready, I'm so friggin' swamped at work I can't even breathe and at 11:00 on a Friday night I'm sitting at my desk pricing jobs, writing a talk about the bible and realizing that I've never felt so horrible or so great ever. Life? I can't handle anymore life right now...and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Uh...sorry I asked."
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Ocho Dias
The River Dream
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river.
Dunkin' Donuts
I went to Dunkin' Donuts this morning. I got two medium regular coffees (one with milk & sugar, the other with cream & sugar) and my usual large hot chocolate. I felt like something funny was going on, but I was the only one who did not know what. One guy who worked there was sitting by the window. One girl that worked there was in the back. The other girl was serving me. There was a well dressed gentleman sitting near the other window. The girl in the back was talking to the guy that worked there. The other girl finished serving me then walked to the well dressed gentleman and handed him a set of keys. It all seemed funny. Maybe I'm losing my mind.
The River Dream (Pt. 2)
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river. I was at a fancy party with all these people I used to know. It's in this real nice mansion type place that just so happens to be on a river. There are a bunch of us all dressed nice standing out on the banks of the river discussing what we've been up to since last we saw each other. For some reason one of the other guys and I decide that we need to go in the river and that everyone should come with us. The water looks warm and calm, so off we go running into the river fully dressed as the others all laugh behind us. But as soon as we hit the water it begins to get cold. There is thunder and lightning. The current picks up. Suddenly we're being swept away. My friend can't swim, so I grab him and begin to kick like a madman until we can almost stand. The others are coming to help us so I toss him onto the shore where they grab him. I'm just about to climb to the shore myself when lightning strikes nearby and I am flung backwards into the current.
G-Thing
So I may be totally done with hanging out in go-go bars altogether. With strip clubs long since a thing of the past I've been occasionally visiting the local go-go bars. With the guys around less and less and my free time shrinking ever so quickly the opportunity to visit these places is rarer than it had been for the past year or two. Add to that the fact that the girls in the places we had been hanging out were about as good for conversation as a brick wall and it takes some of the fun out of it. There really was only one girl I liked talking to in these places and, well, frankly that's just odd. So maybe my go-go bar days are at an end. We will see.
The River Dream (Pt. 3)
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river. I was being swept away in this river after nearly being hit by lightning. I was almost in the middle of the river swimming frantically back towards my friends, I could hardly even see the other shore but I knew that I didn't want to end up there. The river seemed endless in length, I could see nothing in either direction, and the way I was being carried seemed to be absorbed in some sort of unholy darkness. I couldn't go with the current. My clothes were wet and heavy and pulling me down. All I could do was swim. It wasn't working out well at all. And then I felt something under me.
Let There Be Light
My display case arrived to day. I was overjoyed. We got it all set up and went to plug in the light only to find out that they seemed to have forgotten to include a method of turning on the light. Therefore until they send me the switch...there will be no light in my display case. In other news my cousin James got into USC today. That's ridiculously awesome and I'm very proud of the kid. Tim is interviewing for a job in corrections. That's pretty awesome too. Work is shit. I'm tired and sick and beat up. That's not so awesome. But I can live with it. Antioch is coming up in eight days. I'm pretty excited about that too. A little nervous though. Every year I have to decide if I'm coming back or not. I usually don't decide till I'm there, but this year I think I already know what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I like that or not.
The River Dream (Pt. 4)
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river. I was just about to give up and drown in the middle of this river when this thing swelled up from under me and thrust me towards the shore. I didn't quite make it, but all my friends are now looking back at whatever it was that came out of the water. I'm just struggling to find something to hold onto. And then there's a hand...from under the water. I grab it, and it pushes me forward to another...and another. Each hand leading me closer to a rock just off the shore. When they get to this rock I get a hold on it and slowly beging to pull myself forward, my legs don't seem to be helping so I'm pulling myself through the water from rock to rock using only my arms. I can see my friends again now, off in the distance, the water behind me is churning and the darkness is growing. I don't seem to be getting any closer to where I'm going. And then I remember the things under the water. And I'm not worried, because I know. I'll get there eventually.
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river.
Dunkin' Donuts
I went to Dunkin' Donuts this morning. I got two medium regular coffees (one with milk & sugar, the other with cream & sugar) and my usual large hot chocolate. I felt like something funny was going on, but I was the only one who did not know what. One guy who worked there was sitting by the window. One girl that worked there was in the back. The other girl was serving me. There was a well dressed gentleman sitting near the other window. The girl in the back was talking to the guy that worked there. The other girl finished serving me then walked to the well dressed gentleman and handed him a set of keys. It all seemed funny. Maybe I'm losing my mind.
The River Dream (Pt. 2)
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river. I was at a fancy party with all these people I used to know. It's in this real nice mansion type place that just so happens to be on a river. There are a bunch of us all dressed nice standing out on the banks of the river discussing what we've been up to since last we saw each other. For some reason one of the other guys and I decide that we need to go in the river and that everyone should come with us. The water looks warm and calm, so off we go running into the river fully dressed as the others all laugh behind us. But as soon as we hit the water it begins to get cold. There is thunder and lightning. The current picks up. Suddenly we're being swept away. My friend can't swim, so I grab him and begin to kick like a madman until we can almost stand. The others are coming to help us so I toss him onto the shore where they grab him. I'm just about to climb to the shore myself when lightning strikes nearby and I am flung backwards into the current.
G-Thing
So I may be totally done with hanging out in go-go bars altogether. With strip clubs long since a thing of the past I've been occasionally visiting the local go-go bars. With the guys around less and less and my free time shrinking ever so quickly the opportunity to visit these places is rarer than it had been for the past year or two. Add to that the fact that the girls in the places we had been hanging out were about as good for conversation as a brick wall and it takes some of the fun out of it. There really was only one girl I liked talking to in these places and, well, frankly that's just odd. So maybe my go-go bar days are at an end. We will see.
The River Dream (Pt. 3)
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river. I was being swept away in this river after nearly being hit by lightning. I was almost in the middle of the river swimming frantically back towards my friends, I could hardly even see the other shore but I knew that I didn't want to end up there. The river seemed endless in length, I could see nothing in either direction, and the way I was being carried seemed to be absorbed in some sort of unholy darkness. I couldn't go with the current. My clothes were wet and heavy and pulling me down. All I could do was swim. It wasn't working out well at all. And then I felt something under me.
Let There Be Light
My display case arrived to day. I was overjoyed. We got it all set up and went to plug in the light only to find out that they seemed to have forgotten to include a method of turning on the light. Therefore until they send me the switch...there will be no light in my display case. In other news my cousin James got into USC today. That's ridiculously awesome and I'm very proud of the kid. Tim is interviewing for a job in corrections. That's pretty awesome too. Work is shit. I'm tired and sick and beat up. That's not so awesome. But I can live with it. Antioch is coming up in eight days. I'm pretty excited about that too. A little nervous though. Every year I have to decide if I'm coming back or not. I usually don't decide till I'm there, but this year I think I already know what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I like that or not.
The River Dream (Pt. 4)
So the other night I had this dream. It was about a river. I was just about to give up and drown in the middle of this river when this thing swelled up from under me and thrust me towards the shore. I didn't quite make it, but all my friends are now looking back at whatever it was that came out of the water. I'm just struggling to find something to hold onto. And then there's a hand...from under the water. I grab it, and it pushes me forward to another...and another. Each hand leading me closer to a rock just off the shore. When they get to this rock I get a hold on it and slowly beging to pull myself forward, my legs don't seem to be helping so I'm pulling myself through the water from rock to rock using only my arms. I can see my friends again now, off in the distance, the water behind me is churning and the darkness is growing. I don't seem to be getting any closer to where I'm going. And then I remember the things under the water. And I'm not worried, because I know. I'll get there eventually.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
The Mighty
Scene 1
Int.- Dark Room - Night
A young woman sits in the dark on a couch. A young man sits next to her.
Woman:
Man:
Man:
Int.- Dark Room - Night
A young woman sits in the dark on a couch. A young man sits next to her.
Woman:
Call me tomorrow.
Man:
No.
Woman:
Why?
Man:
You don't want me to call you.
The woman turns away. The man tries to see if she is crying. He can not be sure.
Woman:
Why would I tell you to call me if I don't want you to call me? Forget it. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do.
Man:
You don't understand.
Scene II
Int. Car - Night
A young woman sits in the passenger seat, a young man sits behind the steering wheel. She has been crying.
Woman:
It isn't that difficult. You either do or you don't. It has to be one or the other.
Man:
It is. But it's not what you want to hear.
Woman:
How do you know what I want to hear?
Man:
I don't. But I know this isn't it.
Woman:
Well?
The young man closes his eyes and shakes his head slowly while the young woman waits for her answer.
Man:
You want me to love you. Even though I know you don't love me. You just have to know...that's not what's stopping me. The problem is you're not happy with how I am so you want me to change, while I like the way you are...just as much as I like the way I am.
Woman:
How do you know you wouldn't like being different?
Man:
You can't understand.
Scene 3
Int. Restaurant - Night
A young man and a young woman run into each other in the hallway of a restaurant.
Woman:
Hey.
Man:
Hey.
Woman:
You ok?
Man:
Yeah. You?
Woman:
Yeah.
Man:
Good.
The young man smiles down at her, the young woman smiles back.
Woman:
I've got to be going.
Man:
I just wanted you to know...I love you.
Woman:
I know.
Man:
No, you don't.
Woman:
But...
Man:
You wouldn't understand.
~
"Cross the Rainbow Bridge of Asgard,Where the booming heavens roar,You'll behold in breathless wonder,The God of Thunder, Mighty Thor!"
A Familiar Conversation With My Father
Me: Hey dad, you remember those really important papers I left on your desk a few weeks back. The ones you said you would take care of before you left?
Dad: Yes.
Me: Remember how a few days after that you put them back on my desk and said they were taken care of?
Dad: Yes.
Me: Well, I just got a letter saying they weren't taken care of.
Dad: Yeah.
Me: And...
Dad: Yeah, I was thinking of taking care of them. And then I didn't.
Me: Well obviously, but why not?
Dad: I just figured it would be ok.
Me: What?
Dad: I figured it would take care of itself, like that other thing.
Me: What other thing?
Dad: You know that other thing from a few weeks back you asked me to take care of.
Me: You didn't take care of that?
Dad: Nope.
Me: Shit.
Dad: Or that other thing from a few months back. That just took care of itself.
Me: That other thing took me three weeks of fifteen hour days to sort out. It just didn't take care of itself.
Dad: Really?
Me: What did you just think it was fucking magic? Did you think little fucking fairies waved their little fucking fairy wands and everything was just magically fucking better? Did you think little fucking elves snuck into the office and took care of all that shit that wasn't done when you went home every fucking night and was mysteriously finished the next morning? Is that what you fucking thought?
Dad: I don't know.
Me: Shit.
Dad: Yes.
Me: Remember how a few days after that you put them back on my desk and said they were taken care of?
Dad: Yes.
Me: Well, I just got a letter saying they weren't taken care of.
Dad: Yeah.
Me: And...
Dad: Yeah, I was thinking of taking care of them. And then I didn't.
Me: Well obviously, but why not?
Dad: I just figured it would be ok.
Me: What?
Dad: I figured it would take care of itself, like that other thing.
Me: What other thing?
Dad: You know that other thing from a few weeks back you asked me to take care of.
Me: You didn't take care of that?
Dad: Nope.
Me: Shit.
Dad: Or that other thing from a few months back. That just took care of itself.
Me: That other thing took me three weeks of fifteen hour days to sort out. It just didn't take care of itself.
Dad: Really?
Me: What did you just think it was fucking magic? Did you think little fucking fairies waved their little fucking fairy wands and everything was just magically fucking better? Did you think little fucking elves snuck into the office and took care of all that shit that wasn't done when you went home every fucking night and was mysteriously finished the next morning? Is that what you fucking thought?
Dad: I don't know.
Me: Shit.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Wait? What?
I just got an e-mail.
For my grandmother.
Who's been dead for 8 years.
I don't think she wants to buy any friggin' CD's.
For my grandmother.
Who's been dead for 8 years.
I don't think she wants to buy any friggin' CD's.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Apologies...
So I know you'll never read this and even if you did you'd never know I was talking to you.
Happens that way a lot.
I just wanted to say I am sorry.
I wanted to do the right thing, but it seems that what was right for everyone else wasn't right for you and me.
I made a mistake.
I offended you.
And though I'm now uncertain whether or not I will ever see you again, or even if you'll remember my unfortunate slight, I couldn't let this go without apologizing in one way or the other.
You said that you weren't very lucky. Said you needed all the luck you could get. I reckon I'm lucky enough for the both of us. So here you go. Take some of mine.
I'm not very good at begging forgiveness for my sins, but I'm a pro at paying for them.
So I'm sorry, and good luck, and may our paths cross again someday...hopefully sooner rather than later.
And if not..travel well.
Happens that way a lot.
I just wanted to say I am sorry.
I wanted to do the right thing, but it seems that what was right for everyone else wasn't right for you and me.
I made a mistake.
I offended you.
And though I'm now uncertain whether or not I will ever see you again, or even if you'll remember my unfortunate slight, I couldn't let this go without apologizing in one way or the other.
You said that you weren't very lucky. Said you needed all the luck you could get. I reckon I'm lucky enough for the both of us. So here you go. Take some of mine.
I'm not very good at begging forgiveness for my sins, but I'm a pro at paying for them.
So I'm sorry, and good luck, and may our paths cross again someday...hopefully sooner rather than later.
And if not..travel well.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Justice
I can no longer see.
The things that previously would unfold before me allowing me to stay two steps ahead of it all are now as lost to me as you are.
Gone is any advantage I had over the world at large, gone are the powers I relied upon to level the playing field with all the normal people, gone is any chance I ever had.
Unless...
It was the knowledge that allowed me to be who I am, the knowledge which forced me down certain paths, the knowledge which dictated both right and wrong.
Without this knowledge I am no longer important, I am barely a man.
For now.
There is hope though.
We come from such different places you and I, different times even. But what good would a team be if it didn't take from each member the parts which allowed the whole to flourish? Which allowed the whole to suceede?
And so it goes.
Even though there is nothing perfect about this situation, nothing perfect about my fall, there is something perfect which will allow me to rise again.
It is inside me. It is inside you.
Trust.
Trust that when we falter someone will be there to shoulder the burden, when we doubt someone will be there to steady our minds, when we cry someone will be there to dry our tears.
Trust that I will always be here. Trust that you will too.
It is, after all, my fundamental flaw.
I trust...but I also know.
Shazam.
The things that previously would unfold before me allowing me to stay two steps ahead of it all are now as lost to me as you are.
Gone is any advantage I had over the world at large, gone are the powers I relied upon to level the playing field with all the normal people, gone is any chance I ever had.
Unless...
It was the knowledge that allowed me to be who I am, the knowledge which forced me down certain paths, the knowledge which dictated both right and wrong.
Without this knowledge I am no longer important, I am barely a man.
For now.
There is hope though.
We come from such different places you and I, different times even. But what good would a team be if it didn't take from each member the parts which allowed the whole to flourish? Which allowed the whole to suceede?
And so it goes.
Even though there is nothing perfect about this situation, nothing perfect about my fall, there is something perfect which will allow me to rise again.
It is inside me. It is inside you.
Trust.
Trust that when we falter someone will be there to shoulder the burden, when we doubt someone will be there to steady our minds, when we cry someone will be there to dry our tears.
Trust that I will always be here. Trust that you will too.
It is, after all, my fundamental flaw.
I trust...but I also know.
Shazam.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Collection
So, as you may have seen me elude to in my earlier posts I have begun to collect comic book memorabilia again. I'm going to keep my collection in my office, and have nearly collected all the items (or reasonable facsimilies thereof) that I intended to collect.
The first item I picked up was a Mezco Hellboy Action Figure. It was nice and it was free because I had certificates to Joker's Child left over, so that worked out pretty cool. Next trip I picked up a similarly sized Marv from Sin City Action figure. They were both about 18 inches tall or so and fit nicely on the cabinets next to my desk.
That same day I picked up a bronze style Bowen statue of the Incredible Hulk. This cost a few bucks but is perfect so it was worth it. The next thing that caught my interest was the Factory X pieces from a few years back. The one I really wanted was Captain America's shield, and second was Thor's Hammer, Mjolnir. Both of those pieces are tough to get, and fairly expensive. I found a Diamond Select verions of Mjolnir and decided to get that instead.
But first I picked up a silver style Kingdom Come Superman statue and a smaller color Original Captain Marvel (Shazam!) Kingdom Come statue. I also picked up a Hellboy bust.
Once I laid hand on the Diamond Select Mjolnir I decided I needed the Diamond Select Stormbreaker to go with it. I had just obtained The Factory X Iron Man Mask when I got word that someone down in South Jersey had both a Nick Fury Needle Gun from Factory X and a mint condition Hellboy Samaritan. That night a half dozen Iron Man busts arrived as well as two action figure packages, one which followed the development of a Superman action figure and the other of a Batman action figure. Unfortunately the packages are bigger than I expected and I currently have nowhere to display them.
When I got down the this kid in south Jersey's house he took me inside to see his collection. I asked where the stuff he was selling was, and he said there was so much of it he had to keep it at his parent's house. I laughed. He wasn't kidding. He had easily $150,000 worth of stuff in that basement. In addition to the Samaritan and the Needle Gun I picked up the Factory X version of Elektra's swords (which I didn't really want, but fit the Factory X theme) two more Iron man Busts, a Flash statue, a Colossus bust, and (in a pleasant surprise) the Diamond Select version of Stormbreaker.
I passed on a Captain America statue I really wanted just because the price was too high, but the real tragedy of the day were the things I missed out on. The kid had a Factory-X Captain America Shield, but he had already sold it. I'm sure I could have offered him more money for it, but the thought struck me that somebody else had been really looking for this thing too, and they finally got lucky and found it. Who was I to disappoint them by stealing it out from under their nose? Plus...it's a hell of a lot of fun hunting all these things down. When I got back to the office I got the message that my original Iron Man Mask was in. The rookie and my mother brought it down to my office. In another pleasant surprise I found out that the company that just started making these masks would also be making two versions of Captain America's shield in the coming months. They haven't even gone on presale yet but I've already set my sights on getting a matching numbered set (here's to hoping.)
I'm waiting on one more statue (The Thing) and am still debating a Captain America statue. Two other items have caught my eye. They are selling a Hellboy holster to go with the Samaritan and a 1:1 scale replica of The Right Hand of Doom. They both appear to be sold out, but at least the holster is popping up in some places. The Right Hand of Doom might be harder to track down.
So anyway...shit's been busy. But not necessarily bad. I feel bad about more than a few things right now, and know that there's some shit coming up in the next few weeks that I have to handle. We'll take it as it comes I guess.
Never any other way.
The first item I picked up was a Mezco Hellboy Action Figure. It was nice and it was free because I had certificates to Joker's Child left over, so that worked out pretty cool. Next trip I picked up a similarly sized Marv from Sin City Action figure. They were both about 18 inches tall or so and fit nicely on the cabinets next to my desk.
That same day I picked up a bronze style Bowen statue of the Incredible Hulk. This cost a few bucks but is perfect so it was worth it. The next thing that caught my interest was the Factory X pieces from a few years back. The one I really wanted was Captain America's shield, and second was Thor's Hammer, Mjolnir. Both of those pieces are tough to get, and fairly expensive. I found a Diamond Select verions of Mjolnir and decided to get that instead.
But first I picked up a silver style Kingdom Come Superman statue and a smaller color Original Captain Marvel (Shazam!) Kingdom Come statue. I also picked up a Hellboy bust.
Once I laid hand on the Diamond Select Mjolnir I decided I needed the Diamond Select Stormbreaker to go with it. I had just obtained The Factory X Iron Man Mask when I got word that someone down in South Jersey had both a Nick Fury Needle Gun from Factory X and a mint condition Hellboy Samaritan. That night a half dozen Iron Man busts arrived as well as two action figure packages, one which followed the development of a Superman action figure and the other of a Batman action figure. Unfortunately the packages are bigger than I expected and I currently have nowhere to display them.
When I got down the this kid in south Jersey's house he took me inside to see his collection. I asked where the stuff he was selling was, and he said there was so much of it he had to keep it at his parent's house. I laughed. He wasn't kidding. He had easily $150,000 worth of stuff in that basement. In addition to the Samaritan and the Needle Gun I picked up the Factory X version of Elektra's swords (which I didn't really want, but fit the Factory X theme) two more Iron man Busts, a Flash statue, a Colossus bust, and (in a pleasant surprise) the Diamond Select version of Stormbreaker.
I passed on a Captain America statue I really wanted just because the price was too high, but the real tragedy of the day were the things I missed out on. The kid had a Factory-X Captain America Shield, but he had already sold it. I'm sure I could have offered him more money for it, but the thought struck me that somebody else had been really looking for this thing too, and they finally got lucky and found it. Who was I to disappoint them by stealing it out from under their nose? Plus...it's a hell of a lot of fun hunting all these things down. When I got back to the office I got the message that my original Iron Man Mask was in. The rookie and my mother brought it down to my office. In another pleasant surprise I found out that the company that just started making these masks would also be making two versions of Captain America's shield in the coming months. They haven't even gone on presale yet but I've already set my sights on getting a matching numbered set (here's to hoping.)
I'm waiting on one more statue (The Thing) and am still debating a Captain America statue. Two other items have caught my eye. They are selling a Hellboy holster to go with the Samaritan and a 1:1 scale replica of The Right Hand of Doom. They both appear to be sold out, but at least the holster is popping up in some places. The Right Hand of Doom might be harder to track down.
So anyway...shit's been busy. But not necessarily bad. I feel bad about more than a few things right now, and know that there's some shit coming up in the next few weeks that I have to handle. We'll take it as it comes I guess.
Never any other way.
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