The Monday Morning Foxhole

I found these while picking apart old stories I'd written. They were from a story called "The Battle of New Brunswick", I started to write it for a creative writing class and never got around to finishing. Two of the characters were roommates now trapped in a small building all alone while a war raged around them. They couldn't escape on their own, all the could do was wait to be rescued or discovered. Every time the story came back to them they would be in the middle of some strange discussion. I don't know why I picked these three, I guess they just made me laugh today.



“Who do you think buys the porno for Sperm Banks?”
“What?”
“You know, whenever you go in the sperm bank, they have pornos. Someone has to buy them.”
“How often are you in sperm banks?”
“That’s not the point.”
“What is the point?”
“I mean it’s not like they have subscriptions.”
“They might.”
“They don’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because if they did the magazines would have little stickers on them, and what about the videos?”
“When you get porno in the mail it comes in a bag man, the bags would have the stickers on them.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I get porno in the mail.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Anyway I’m betting they send a nurse out to get it or some shit.”
“Why?”
“Can you imagine a doctor going into the store and buying porn?”
“No I guess not.”

===

“Would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“What?”
“If you had to fuck a guy I mean.”
“Why would I have to fuck a guy?”
“I don’t know, just if you did, would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“Why?”
“I just want to know, would you rather fuck a fat guy or a skinny guy?”
“I don’t know. What about you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Good.”
“I mean you’d think it would be a skinny guy just because, but you know, if you’re going to fuck a guy you might as well go all out and fuck a fat guy, right?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“But then I started thinking, I mean, who wants to fuck a fat guy right? A skinny guy has his charms, I mean at least he’s fit right? Plus you get a few drinks in you, bend him over, you can pretend he’s a hot chick. A fat guy, well, if you’re fucking fat guy the best you can do is pretend he’s a fat chick, and, well...”
“As frightening as it is kid, you have a point.”

===
“I don’t like it when you wash my dishes.”
“What?”
“When you do my dishes for me, I don’t like it, I can do my own fucking dishes.”
“Then why do you let them sit in the sink?”
“Because I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”
“Right, I get around to them first and that’s the end of that.”
“No man it’s not. It’s not. I don’t like it when people do shit for me.”
“Oh yeah that make a lot of sense.”
“I’m serious.”
“Fine.”
“So no more doing my dishes?”
“What?”
“From now on, if I leave dishes in the sink, don’t fucking wash them.”
“Damn kid, I never would of guessed.”
“That it bothered me that much?”
“That you thought we were actually getting out of this.”
“Ha, yeah, eternal optimist you know.”
“Optimist I could do without.”
“But the eternal part would come in handy right about now wouldn’t it?”