I want to run something by you. And by you I mean me. Since it's likely that I'm talking to myself and that I'm the only one who ever reads any of this. I just want to get it out there. Just float it for a moment.
What if the whole game changed?
What if I wasn't the bad guy disguised as a good guy anymore? What if I was just the bad guy? Or worse, what if I was just the good guy? What would happen then? Would the whole world just implode?
What if it turns out that I'm smarter then you think I am? Or that you've been giving me too much credit all along?
See here are a few of my theories:
The Ladies Godiva
You want a piece of chocolate. You pay for that chocolate. You enjoy that chocolate for what it is: chocolate. You're not deceived into thinking it's anything that it's not. It's not advertising the fact that it's fattening or that the sugar in it will rot your teeth or that it's not nutritious at all. But it's not really hiding that fact either. It's just chocolate. You get what you want: the chocolate. Nestle or Hershey's or whoever get what they want: your money. As long as you get what you want and they get what they want and you don't all of a sudden start thinking that chocolate is something it isn't then nobody gets hurt. Right? See what I'm saying? No? Me neither. But now I want some chocolate goddamit.
The Accidental Vegetarian
If you do something, unintentionally, and it has a result that is definite but not necessarily permanent, is that enough to decide what you are? In May I stopped eating red meat (and pork). I haven't had red meat (or pork) since then. On Tuesday I decided I was done with poultry too. Now, I already broke that once, but I'm going to be a little more steadfast in my determination. So now if I don't eat meat or poultry...does that make me a semi-vegetarian? (Rule of Order, semi-vegetarians eat fish whereas vegetarians do not. While the public has long lumped vegetarians and semi-vegetarians together true vegetarians look down on semi-vegetarians as second rate poor imitation knock-offs much in the way that vegans look down on vegetarians as no account pantywaists much in the way normal people look down on the whole lot of them as limp dicked faggots.) Savvy? See what I'm saying? So here's the question...am I a semi-vegetarian? Or just some guy who stopped eating meat? (Second Rule of Order, the technical name for a semi-vegetarian diet that includes fish is Pescetarianism. A condition that can only be cured by eating massive amounts of shellfish and watching My Cousin Vinny over and over again.)
The Girl On The Ferry
This theory will be performed as a monologue sotto vocce while standing at the desk in my office.
Int. Office - Night
(Christian, a large hulking mass of a man, stands slowly from his desk, stares offstage and begins to speak.)
Christian: I just don't understand it anymore. It's torture. The way I feel when I think about her. It wasn't always like this. I didn't always feel this way. And then...when it started. Well I fought it. I fought it because that was my duty. That's what I was supposed to do. We were both better off that way. But I couldn't fight it for long. I'm just not that strong. So it grew, and it blossomed, and then it festered. A dark secret love that...
(Three men, drivers, enter from offstage, Christian continues to speak.)
1st Driver: Hey Mr.Chris!
(Christian ignores them and continues on with his monologue)
Christian: She is so beautiful. And all I want to do is hold her. And tell her how much I...
(The 1st Driver tries to interrupt again.)
1st Driver: Hey Mr.Chris!
2nd Driver: Shut up you dumbass.
1st Driver: Well why doesn't he answer me...he's a standing right there. I know he can hear me.
2nd Driver: He's performing a soliloquy.
3rd Driver: Actually I do believe it's a monologue.
2nd Driver: Same thing.
3rd Driver: Not exactly. Although the words are often synonomous the word monologue is used more appropriately when the speech occurs in the diagesis of the play. Other characters may or may not be able to hear a monologue. Monologues may actually be directed at other characters within the world of the play...
1st Driver: Wouldn't those be diatribes?
3rd Driver: Not necessarily although that is an argument for which there is some etymological justification. The Greek word diatribē, the ultimate source of our word, is derived from the verb diatrībein, made up of the prefix dia-, "completely," and trībein, "to rub," "to wear away, spend, or waste time," "to be busy." The verb diatrībein meant "to rub hard," "to spend or waste time," and the noun diatribē meant "wearing away of time, amusement, serious occupation, study," as well as "discourse, short ethical treatise or lecture, debate, argument." It is the serious occupation of time in discourse, lecture, and debate that gave us the first use of diatribe recorded in English, in the now archaic sense "discourse, critical dissertation." The critical element of this kind of diatribe must often have been uppermost, explaining the origin of the current sense of diatribe, "a bitter criticism."
2nd Driver: That is neither here nor there. All I was saying is that he was doing a soliloquy.
3rd Driver: If it was a soliloquy we wouldn't be able to hear it. What he's doing is a monologue.
2nd Driver: Same thing.
3rd Driver: No.
1st Driver: Ooh. I think I get it. If we was drawing a viennese diagram thingy then all soliloquys would be monologues. But not all monologues would be soliloquys.
3rd Driver: Precisely.
2nd Driver: Oh. Ok. I get it.
3rd Driver: Good.
(They return their attention to Christian.)
Christian: ...and that is why my love for her will never end. Why I will carry this flame with me till the day I die. And never, ever, say a word about it.
1st Driver: Uh...Mr.Chris?
Christian: (notices drivers for the first time) Oh, hey guys.
1st Driver: Uh, Mr. Chris, I think I spilt the diesel again.
Christian: Aw, shit.
-Scene-
And Finally...
So my little sister made her first trip to look at a high school yesterday. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. She's going back on Thursday to shadow a current student so she could get a better idea of how the school really works. I'm really not sure how I feel about that. Kids are growing up. What are you going to do?
In other news. Adriana just messaged me and asked if I knew what time Friday's meeting was. Problem being that I had no idea there even was a meeting on Friday. I certainly had been thinking a lot lately about whether or not going back was the right thing for me to do (it was never really a question of whether or not I wanted to go back...God knows I do). But it's sort of snuck up on me now, which means I'll probably make the easiest decision because I've got so many other things floating right now, and the easy decision is of course to just do what I wanted to do all along...go back. Now we'll see if it was the right decision.
Things are shaping up for Sean's bachelor party. Alcohol will flow freely, a couple of very beautiful young women will take their clothes off, and I'll be the guy standing there going "I hope those heels don't scuff up the hardwood floor, I just had it refinished." And, "Please don't lean on the walls so hard, they cost a fortune to have painted."
So the rest of tonight will be spent on payroll. Then maybe putting some books on shelves and the whatnot. And then sleeping. Because everybody has to sleep at some point. Even me.
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