Funniest Things I've Heard This Month

March 2008...the month that won't fucking end.

If nothing else, we've got a few good lines out of it...in no particular order.

"Have you met my brother, or as the girls at the Club like to call him Client #10?"

"It does get sort of tiresome going to sleep with a great wad of cash and waking up with three crumpled singles and a sticky ten dollar bill going "Where the fuck did that Ironman statue come from? And why do I smell like whore?"'

"If you have kids, do I still get all your stuff when you die?"

"That's a first. I've never paid $160 to talk about Harry Potter before."

"Everybody I'd like you to introduce you to Steve, my boyfriend from high school. And Steve I'd like to introduce you to my life partner."

"Where the fuck's my chinese food? Who took my chinese food?"

"More then none, less than all."

"If you dont' call me the fuck back I'm going to show up at your house and cause a ruckus just like back in the day. And it's going to confuse the shit out of your mom seeing as you don't live there anymore."

"I ain't complaining, but that would have been significantly less disturbing if she didn't look like she was thirteen years old."


Two exchanges...

"Well, yes, everything is fine."

"Except for the fatty liver?"

"Yes just a little bit of fatty liver."

"Like a smidge of fatty liver? A dollop? An iota?"

"What?"

"Just a little bit."

~

And...

"Dude, just think I get lucky tonight and you're going to have a bunch of little slant eyed nieces and nephews running around soon."

"That might be the most horrible thing I have ever heard you say."

"Really?"

"Nah, you're right. But that's still pretty fucked up."

And finally the quote of the year so far...

"If you won't grab my ass how do I know I'm doing a good job?"

That's all folks, and just remember: I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. See you when the sun comes up. Till then...Travel well.