Greatest Thing Ever?

Ah, Wednesdays. Payday. Gotta love it. Of course since I pay out roughly 40 times what I make on any given payday it can be a bit of a downer too.

Anyway, I think I may have mentioned that I've just opened a new savings account. I'm also going to take advantage of direct deposit and start putting some money in a safe place (besides the dog food can in my kitchen). I'm totally against saving money as anyone who knows me knows. What the hell is the point of working so hard if you can't enjoy what you've earned? But it does get sort of tiresome going to sleep with a wad of $10,000 in the can and waking up with three crumpled singles and a sticky ten dollar bill going "Where did that Ironman statue come from? And why do I smell like whore?" So "savings" account it is. In reality I'm saving up for absolutely nothing because I'll most likely kick the bucket before I have to worry about making a buck.

I read Earth X while I was stuck in the office all night last night, it was decent and I'll start Universe X today.

I was looking at Cracked .Com this morning when I saw a list of the most fucked up PSA's found on the internet. I found it funny because at #9 were the Canadian Workplace Safety PSA's I'm so fond of. But #10 really took the cake, it was an add from this website: http://www.taketheaction.com/

A website that for $47 will sell you an e-book that will help you stop masturbating. God bless America.

Now what I should have done when I saw this webpage was absolutely nothing. But what I did do was read the entire god damn thing and laugh so uncontrollably that for a good five minutes I couldn't even answer the phone.

It's got funny logos, flashy icons, testimonials from people with questionable initials in places such as "Qweebec, Canada", and even a little quiz to see if you have a masturbation problem. There's a section that implies that the porno mafia is trying to get the site shut down, a section that describes the method of discreet credit card billing (which porn sites use too in case you want to go the other way on this one), and a Q&A section so convoluted that it actually answers the question "Does masturbation cause cancer?" by saying "Not exactly."

Not exactly my ass. So to do my part to counter these nefarious bastards I will, right here and now, address their eight part argument about why masturbation is a problem.


1) Masturbation destroys your health
Nope, I feel fine.

2) You waste your valuable time on masturbation
Let's be honest, it's really just a pleasant way to break up the monotony of reading comic books and playing video games.

3)Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
Then masturbating? Someone needs to explain to this guy how this works.

4)Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner
I honestly think masturbation had nothing to do with this one.

5)Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)
Nope. Next.

6)Prevents you from having better sex with your partner
If only masturbation was what was stopping me from getting laid...

7)Creates a negative psychology that can affect your business life
But it doesn't say if it affects your business life in a bad way...

8)Prevents you from making your life's dream come true (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
I just want to point out that the word "most" is used an awful lot here indicating that you spend the majority of your time masturbating. So if you spend 13 hours a day whacking it, these guys are absolutely right, you need help. If not, I defer to the wise and venerable T.O. Hob who said, "Most guys masturbate a lot, I masturbate enough."

So anyway, if you've spent the last several minutes reading this I apologize. You should be reading their website, it's much more unintentionally hilarious while I am quite unintentionally not.