Thanks Giving...

This morning I am reminded of how different my life could be. All over town my friends are waking up in their warm little beds in their neat little houses, rolling over and kissing their pretty wives and saying "Happy Thanksgiving." And they certainly do have a great deal to give thanks for.

Some are newly married, still early on in their marital bliss. Others are expecting children in the next year, and in that way are truly blessed. And yet others are still planning, still designing, still creating their lives together.

Good for them.

And then there are others still working hard, still muddling through, living good lives and still discovering new and interesting things about themselves and the people that surround them.

Some of them are rebuilding after tragedy or collapse, others finding new ways to do old things. Some of them are reaching new points in their lives, standing on the precipice of life changing events, getting ready for whatever great thing comes next.

Some of them are happy, some of them are afraid they'll never be happy again. Some of them see what they have to be thankful for, and others are still trying to figure it out.

And then there's me.

I've spent so much of my life turning myself into a monster so that I wouldn't have to push people away. For many reasons I needed to be able to keep people at a distance and it was simply easier this way.

If I had to go back, I don't think I would change that. There are things I could have done differently, things I could have done better. But for the most part things are the way they had to be. But now what?

Now that I've reached the end of one path can I find my way back so that I can try another?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Sometimes the things we do cannot be undone.

But then again...

Happy Thanksgiving.