Survival of the Illest

I don't know how I make it sometimes. I don't know how I'm still here. Sometimes I go deep on purpose, I put myself there so I can control it. I put myself in the hole because knowing how I got there is sometimes the only thing that allows me to find a way out. Sometimes it works. And then other times it most certainly does not.

Friday night was one of those times where it didn't work. Friday night was bad. But I made it, I survived. And Saturday I was better because of it. Exhausted...but better. I struggled all morning to find the words to properly describe the things that had happened, the places I had gone. But I couldn't. Nothing changed, nothing was better. But I was better. It's part of the madness.

Yesterday my cousins' Bridget and Shannon came up from Bayonne and went with my sister and I over to Garden State to see Twilight. I thought the book was decent but I wasn't too excited about the movie. My sister and cousin were. About ten minutes into the movie I noticed there were a lot of girls laughing at things I didn't think were funny. So I leaned over to my one cousin and asked what I was missing. Turns out they weren't laughing because it was funny. It was girlish giggling. Have you ever heard the noise four hundred pre-pubescent girls swooning at the exact same time makes? Pray that you never have to. It can be very disconcerting. After the movie we went to The Grand Lux Cafe for dinner, it was nice but the four of us were sort of ridiculous (there's a story about eating duck that I won't tell). By the time we left the mall I was about $400 poorer then when I started. But we did get chocolate covered apples and a board game that none of us could figure out how to play but had a great amount of fun with anyway. ("Danny's a fairie." "I'm a rhinestone cowboy. And I want to try Viagra.") Once the cousins went home Danny, Lila, and I watched Wall-E. I'd never seen it before, but it was great. Ten minutes in I looked at the kids and asked, "Is it going to be simultaneously cute and depressing for the entire movie? Because I don't think I can deal with that right now." It was the best day I've had in a really long time.

If yesterday was the best day that I've had in awhile tonight was the best night I've had in just as long. Antioch 2009 is officially well under way now, we have a song (it's good.) a t-shirt color (it's not) and a theme (I think it's good...but I can't actually remember what it is right now). I will never be able to put into words exactly how great the people I've met through Antioch are. And this group is no different. We went to Applebees for dinner after the meeting and if the lot of us had laughed any louder they probably would have asked us to leave because we were disrupting the other customers. I think my face was bright red for at least half the time in the restaurant (Partly because I was laughing so hard and partly because we're so comfortable around each other that we are often hilariously crude to the point where even I , having no compunctions about talking about anything (see pretty much anything here as evidence) actually blush in embarrassment). So yeah, we're off to a hell of a start and I have no doubt that we'll end up with a hell of a finish too.

So I've survived this far. And I have no doubt I'll keep on doing just that...surviving. It's sort of become my own personal mantra as of late. Just make it to tomorrow. Just make it to tomorrow so it can all start again.