The Run Up To The End: Repost From www.upsaid.com/futurerem

Repost from www.upsaid.com/futurerem


Sunday, July 18th 2004



Five Seemingly Useless Things We Learned In College 12:02 AM




1. Any night spent doing anything with anyone is automatically better than the night before, even if you can't remember the night before. 2. Money is the root of all evil, and money is absolutely necessary to survive, ergo evil is absolutely necessary to survive. 3. I am uptight for a reason, and am best left that way. Any attempts to change this will, without a doubt, result in the disaster of a lifetime. I am uptight for a reason, asking me to "relax", "unwind", or "chill out" will most likely lead to bad things like me talking too much or ripping innocent bystanders arms off. 4. Laugh a little, love a little, live a little. Do any of these things too much or in the wrong way and you might as well bend over and begin learning to enjoy the unholy assfucking that is real life. 5. Things you love will go away, you will never be exactly the person you planned on being but sometimes you can be better, "friend" and "friendly" are different things, "love" and "love" are different things, no matter how much you want something there's a damn good chance you're not going to get it and finally...even if you see it coming...it all ends too soon.
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Saturday, July 17th 2004



Vintage 3:21 PM




Today is Rutgers Young Alumni Day down at Bar "A". I should have gone and checked it out...but, well, you know. Last night was one of those strange nights were every minute of sleep was stocked three deep with dreams. I remember them all. The first one was awkward and strange, it made me angry and at least a little bit sad. There were a group of us in a field, sitting in the dark. We were at a table, a picnic table almost but not one that would have naturally been there. It was a strange mix of people that shouldn't ever have come together, but for some reason in this dream we were all there. We talked, and laughed, and had an all around good night. As things came to an end people began to stand up and ready themselves to go, they shook everyones hands but mine. It was pitch black but as people started their cars in the distance their headlights danced across the few of us left sitting at the table. It was so dark I could barely see the two people sitting across from me at the table, and then, in a brief flash of light I saw the girl lean in and give the guy a quick kiss. They weren't two people who should have been kissing, but by the time I could say anything the lights had gone and it was completely dark again. "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" I asked in shock. The girl giggled, "Yes you did." She stood up and walked away. The guy and I started laughing, I have no idea why. The second dream almost made more sense, alright, no it didn't. The second dream took place in this amazing office building that apparently we had free run of. I was sitting in my office talking to these two girls. One was sitting in the chair next to me and the other on the edge of my desk. There was a guy sitting near the window looking out intently at something. I sat there talking and laughing with the two girls but every few minutes someone else I knew would show up, we'd chat for a minute, make plans to get together, and they'd move on. But then I'd have to start the conversation with the girls over and over again from the very beginning. It was like I was building up to something, but could never quite get there. Eventually the girl in the chair looks at her watch and says they have to be going, the girl on the desk agrees and they both leave. I walk over to the guy sitting by the window and look out at the landscape with him. "You know I rather like it here," he says. "Yeah, me too. " I answer. The third dream was more fun, but more troublesome. There was a large group of us in a ridiculously fancy hotel. We were looking through our suite and marvelling at all the fantastic stuff that was in there. Maybe some day I'll describe it, but the sheer decadence of the hotel isn't what's important here. It's what I was thinking. For some reason as I was walking through this monsterous hotel all I could think about was, "Don't think about them." "Don' talk about her." "Don't worry about it." "Don't ask why." This mad line of logic, which I didn't understand then and probably don't understand now was all I could think of during this strange little dream. The final dream was less of a dream and more of a vision. I was walking in the rain, but there were these loud noises coming at me in waves. The rain got harder, thunder crashed, lightning lit the sky. I felt weak, and fell to my knees. I knelt there in the rain waiting for a slowly growing scream that never came. So here's the thing, here's the deal, here's how this is going to go. I felt like I was back for a minute yesterday, felt like everything was better. Felt like it was time to tell the whole truth about some things. Time to be honest. So here's how it's going to go. If you care, or you're curious, or you're bored as could be then stick around, see how this all plays out. If you're worried about what you might read, well...go now. I'll let you know when it's safe to come back. You want the whole story? All you have to do is ask...and in the words of Senor Lovedaddy that's the triple truth, Ruth.
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Friday, July 16th 2004



Look At That "S" Car Go 10:29 AM




So after the mindfuck that was yesterday I was looking forward to a nice quiet day today. I think I've mentioned before that I'm the kind of guy that needs something to look forward to. I don't do but one thing a week so that thing has to be something I enjoy. For the last year it had been WRSU, but unfortunately now as my time there comes to a close and the relationships I built there surprisingly disintegrate I need to find something else to do. Now the old crew from the old school is still around, so we decide in the tradition of all people growing up that we'll start our own little poker night. It's supposed to be Thursdays and last night I was really looking forward to it...then everyone started cancelling on me. The bastards...so anyway that combined with everything else combined with the continued disappointments of Mondays, the plummeting emotionless void of Tuesday, and the brilliantly troubled Wednesday left me rather reeling. I've said the same things so many times here, I'm running out of ways to say them. Here's one more. Je suis né un homme, suis devenu un monstre, et mourrai pour l'éternité. Il n'y a aucun léger... nous courent dessus. Can't conjugate, can't spell, can't speak French...but I think I at least got some of the words right. Maybe tomorrow we'll try Chinese...
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Quik-E Mart Epiphanies 10:10 AM




So this morning I'm in 7-11 getting an orange juice and picking up my regular copies of Newsweek, Time, and Weekly News and World Report so that I can stay well informed. I toss the magazines up on the counter and the guy who's ringing me up starts tapping the Newsweek cover with his finger. He looks over his shoulder to make sure his boss isn't listening and asks in a quick spurt of words, "DooYooSooportHeem?" The look on my face was enough to tell him I didn't understand, so he tapped the cover again and spoke slower this time, "John Keerreey...Doo Yoo Sooport Heem?" I nodded and replied with what has become the motto of liberal minded youth everywhere, "Sure, but even if I didn't anything is better than Bush." The cashier checked over his shoulder again and whispered even lower this time, "Are you a born American?" The quickness with which I responded "Of Course" embarrasses me now because obviously this guy wasn't. "Yoo vote Keerreey?" he asked. "Yeah, Kerry and Edwards, all the way." But then I thought about it. I was a sophomore in college during the last election. I didn't vote for President, although I did vote in all the local elections. I was a kid and didn't think it right that people could guilt you into voting, I thought that since I didn't want either man to be President that I shouldn't be forced to vote for the lesser of two evils. So Al Gore and George W. Bush both got elected without any help from me. This time I realize things are different even if you don't want Kerry to be President you need to recognize that George W. Bush isn't the right man for the job. I don't blame all Republicans, I'm not really a Democrat, but Bush is just not the right guy for this country...he wasn't four years ago, and look what's happened since then. Let's not make the same mistake twice. "Yoo are very loocky. Yoo vote. Yoo doo good thing." I kind of just nodded. "I wish I could vote," he continued, "George Boosh no good. No good for Ameerican." No good for U.S." Here's this guy, working for minimum wage, far away from home, not much older than me. He's working hard and paying taxes, he cares about this country, this country which people won't even let him call his yet. Here's this guy who busts his ass every day just to get by and what's he wishing for? Something the rest of us take for granted. God damn. I nodded as I headed out of the store, the guy didn't even care if his boss was listening now. He wasn't yelling, but he wasn't whispering anymore, "Keerreey and Eedwords all the weey!" I'm completely ashamed that I'm not anywhere near as enthusiastic about it all as that guy was. Completely and utterly ashamed.
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