I am a daydreamer. In what seems like an endless line of pointlessly sober confessions this is just the latest.
I spend half my life in my own head trying to think about whether or not I really want to get out. I used to make the excuse that I wanted to be a writer, so to daydream was natural I was thinking of stories, things to put on paper. But that's not really the case anymore. I daydream about things I want, about things I can't do, about people I can never be around again, and conversations I've never had.
There are the set-to-form dreams. The ones where the same thing happens over and over again, the fantasy daydreams. The ones everyone has, where they do something great (they win the game, get the girl, defy the odds).
More common are the daydreams about conversations I never had, or never will have. They always involve people I know, they always involve me talking to them. They always involve things being said that will never be said in real life. The conversations either hold this sense of humor or this fluidity which is often lacking in my real conversations. They aren't always spectacular by nature, sometimes they're rather run of the mill. But even then they're still fantastic enough that I keep having that sort of daydream.
Then there are the ones that bother me. The ones that come up in certain situations. When I'm bored I dream of things I could do. The problem is I know they won't happen. I dream of getting a phonecall from people I know won't call me. I think, "If this happens, I can do this, and be here in time to do this." When I know very well the first "this" won't happen at all.
There are the "I Should Have Said" or the "I Shouldn't Have Said" daydreams. These usually tag along with "The Fix". It's when I go back in my head (reliving the whole scene really) and think of the different ways I could have done certain things. The points I could have made. I remember once sitting in a bar and ending a conversation with, "I just don't get how you could love someone and then not." I should have gone on to add, "I think in my life everyone I've ever loved, I still do." And of course there's the flipside of the things I shouldn't have said like, "You don't know me very well." and "Was I wrong to..." And that sort of thing.
There are the revelatory daydreams where I'm talking to someone (usually myself) and realize something I probably didn't realize before. Like yesterday I realized that sometimes when I speak I use extra words, not so that it sounds better, but because I'm not as quick as everyone else and need the extra seconds to catch up.
There are the waking nightmares which I will discuss on another day.
I think the worst part of these dreams is that they always seem to involve people I know, people I care about. I hate that. I feel like I'm doing them some horrible wrong by even thinking about them when I know they're not thinking about me. And to make things worse I'm thinking about them doing and saying things they'd never say and never do. I... I can't help it, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
I used to be a decent writer, I've lost so much of that. I'm going to try and get a little of it back. But that can wait till later, this one's almost done. Time for you to go back to what you were doing and me to go back to my dreams.
So you...the livers of life, and Me...the dreamer of dreams come together here but for a minute. And while you wonder why I'm writing I wonder why you're reading and how I even know you're there. But in the end that doesn't matter...because even if you weren't there I'd simply dream you were.
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