Last Night :From www.upsaid.com/futurerem

Wednesday, July 21st 2004



One Small Step 12:34 AM




It's time for some truth. Not the whole truth, but nothing but the truth. Like all good shows it starts with an admission.

I admit, I almost quit. I almost died. Now don't get ahead of me here, it's not like it sounds. So don't get ahead...but try and keep up.

It was one of those make-or-break Mondays where I was never sure if I was coming or going, never sure if it was the beginning or the end. I didn't wake up thinking about dying but it wasn't long after that I realized something was different. Looking back I can say, with absolute certainty, that the week leading up to that day was one of the worst of my life. ( That Week ) I think you can see where I was coming into that Monday. Funny part is, the shit didn't hit the fan till that morning. Like I said I didn't wake up thinking about dying. In fact as I recall I woke up thinking about how great that day was going to be. I was kidding myself, and somewhere inside I think I knew it.

So that day when things started going wrong I was, for once, surprised. I thought I had friends, I thought I had something going, and to watch it all crumble in a matter of minutes I was shocked.

Now I acted like something had saved me. Acted like I was ok going into that night, but the truth was I was far from ok. I acted like I was ok because I could feel the breath being sucked from me. I thought for sure I was a dead man, I could act like I was alive because only I knew the truth.

I knew my night was about to go south quickly, but I didn' think it mattered. I didn't know how bad it was about to get . I started to lose it earlier that night, and when it looked like no one would show up my whole paranoid delusion about the world abandoning me started to play out big time.

Again though, it didn't matter, I was done. I was dead. I could see myself walking home and in midstride just falling to my knees and not getting back up. My breath would leave me, I'd topple over and expire right there on the sidewalk, and then I would simply cease to exist. No one would even notice.

 But then...well, then. This is where it gets tricky. You can't talk about certain things without people taking it the wrong way. If I say "she saved me" people assume I'm saying more then I am. There is nothing else to it but that. She saved me, she didn't mean to, or try to, and I'm absolutely certain she has no idea she did...but she saved me. I wish I could tell her that, so that she could know that the only reason I'm still here (or still anywhere) is because she did something so minor and inconsequential as showing up. But just like there's a right way and a wrong way to take things, there's a right way and a wrong way to say things...and the right way to say this is to not say it at all. I went home that night and I felt alive. No explanation, no reason, no sense to it at all. I was gone, and then I wasn't.

A lot happened between then and now. A lot. But if I told the whole truth at once...well why would you have to come back?

 I figured out one of my problems in the interim. I was in a hole, and thought I could climb out. I was wrong. I can't climb out the way I came in, I have to dig straight on through to the other side. It's dangerous, but...someone once told me that if you hit rock bottom hard enough, you'll bounce. So the harder you hit the ground, the farther you'll bounce back. Let's just say I plan on hitting the ground very, very hard.


Entry posted by King Zero note [Add] www E-Mail this entry