Swagger

"You kick it like me
no exaggeration necessary,
living revolutionary,
nothing less than legendary.
Gangsta shit's hereditary,
got it from my dad.
Flow colder than February
with extraordinary swag." - T.I., Swagga Like Us

I can't quite explain the series of events that occured in the three hours since I've gotten to work that ended with me going back through a long list of old e-mails and randomly reading listserv posts and notes on long since lost projects from my last year of college. I just tend to do things like that some time.

And it got me thinking of my days at WRSU again, my time spent living in The Birchwoods, and all the great people I met and almost got to know.

It reminded me of that scary time right after college. That time where you're going through a sort of separation anxiety, missing the place and the people who just spent four (or five) years making you who you are. I remember how I felt during that time. I remember feeling like I was never going to get better, all the while knowing that I was. Maybe it was different for me. I've been permanently fucked up for as long as I can remember. I'm used to being randomly depressed or paranoid or suicidal for no god damn reason. I can handle that shit. Not everyone can. Lots of people pull out of funks by realizing that they're going to get over something. You're sad right now? Well later you'll be happy. You miss someone right now? Well later you'll get over it. You fucked everything up? Well you can fix it later. I go into my funks realizing this. It doesn't take time for me to come around to the fact that everything will get better. So I look at every dip as a temporary situation instead of a pit I'll never be able to climb out of. Doesn't make it suck any less, just means I make it through. So even in those long hard months after college ended I knew...it was going to be ok.

Just like I know it's going to be ok now.

The past few weeks have been tough. My head has been all over the place. One minute I'm good, one minute I'm not. I find my relief in the oddest of places. Find my peace in things other people couldn't begin to understand. Hot chocolate, scary stories, cold winds, sweet smiles, the seven foot tall fiberglass Iron Man statue in my front room. Just things. Just enough.

Last night I stopped in to visit an "old friend". We hadn't talked in a few weeks. I was really glad to have a minute to chat. At some point in the conversation she told me I was different. It was probably just what she thought I wanted to hear. But the truth is, and I told her as much, I am different. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Sometimes it seems like the entire world has changed. And then she asked me why...and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't say what I wanted to say.

There's so much to it of course. Far more than what I wanted to say even. I'm still trying to figure out how to say it, to her, to myself, to anyone that will listen really. It took me 20 years to feel comfortable in my own skin. 20 years to get used to being around other people. 20 years to decide that it doesn't matter if I'm a monster...that I deserve to be here, and be happy just like everyone else. It's taken me another 7 years to get used to the things that go on in my own head. 7 years to fine tune the weapons that help me chase away The Darkness. And now that I've sort of got a lock on some of that I can work on other things. Now that I've got a handle on The Affliction I can try and break down some of the things that really do a number on me. It helps that I'm sort of established now. It helps that no one's really counting on me anymore. It helps that for the first time in a long time I want something. So as I try to gather my thoughts, try to come up with something to say, all I can think of is some advice I've given. It's simple. You do what you have to do to be ok. You change. You adapt. You survive. You just do what you have to do to be ok. I don't live. I survive. I can deal with that because I know...it's always going to get better. It's going to be ok.