I don't know how else to explain it.
As the days gets colder and the nights longer I often find myself spiralling out of control with greater frequency. The Darkness is not my friend, and at night it tends to creep up on me a whole lot easier.
So last night, well after midnight and long before I fell asleep, I found myself laid out cold visions of fire dancing through my head. And I thought...
I want her...
And as soon as I thought it the thought was gone and I couldn't quite get a grip on what it meant or who it was talking about. There were of course the usual suspects, but with little leads and no hard evidence I couldn't be sure one way or the other. And before I could recover there it was again...
I want her...
And then it was gone. It was new to me, I didn't rightly understand it. I work best when I know what people want from me and I want nothing at all from them. But here it was again and again now...
I want her...
Incomplete. A fragment. Not a whole thought or a whole feeling, but a ghost of thought and a flitter of a feeling...
I want her...
And the uncertainty that filled me at that moment was matched only by the fear which was welling up inside me. But I knew, none of this was happening, none of this was real. And then I knew...
I want her...to be real.
I want her...to be real.
I want her...to be real.
What? No...
There's something...wrong.
Could it be it's not about saving them? Could it be that they're here to save me?
~
In other news...
I just cancelled a shitload of stuff I had preordered for The Collection. Some of it was really good stuff that I'd been looking forward to for a very long time. The Thor PF, The Hellboy 2 Samaritan and PF. Good shit. The Iron Man Mark 2 Helmet. Really good shit. But...I'm done. I've got the Mindz-Eye Hellboy Statues I already paid for coming, the life size Iron Man I already paid for, the Iron Man 1:1 bust I still have to pay for, and a few small Bowen pieces through my LCS. Still quite a bit of stuff...but really just the beginning of the end. The commission is still on of course, I'm $1,100 paid towards a $3,500 total plus another few hundred for painting. Somewhere down the road if I decide to add on I'll pick up a few pieces here and there, if not. Well then not. A year from now I'll be collecting something else. It's in my blood. It's who I am.
I've sworn off strip clubs for now. I've been a go-go bar guy for about a year now anyway, but I'd been spending some time (and some money) in strip clubs in preparation for Sean's bachelor party. Now that that is over there's no longer a need. One of the strippers I'd talked to has started messaging me asking for a loan though, and I almost went back to discuss it with her. Now...I've said it before, there's a single rule, an old New Jersey adage if you will, "It's perfectly acceptable to fall for a stripper, as long as you don't try and bring the hoe home." And of course it's crude and oversimplifying. They aren't all hoes. Hell some of them are really good people. And it's not really about falling for them, it's about trusting them. Thinking that it's anything besides business. So even though I sort of broke the second half of the rule for the bachelor party I wasn't really worried because I hadn't broken the first half of the rule. So when this girl started messaging me looking for money my first thought was "Damn, what did I do that made this girl think this was ok?" My second thought was, "What if she really needs help? Can I do it?" My third thought was, "What the fuck?" So maybe I'll stop by one night to see her, just to chat. But probably not. No worries. I know exactly what she wants from me, and I know she doesn't have anything I want. You can't play the player, you can only play the game. When you want money from me, you actually pick up the phone and make a phone call...just like everybody else.
Now of course my third hobby was go-go bars. Which most people don't separate from strip clubs, but I certainly do. This one is a little more complicated. See I've spent a lot of time (and money) in go-go bars in the past year. Never stepped foot in one before that. It's sort of become part of my self-medicating regimen. If I feel too off I stop in at one of my regular haunts and there's a bartender that knows my name and what I'm drinking, a manager who stops by to say hello, and enough girls that remember me and my wallet that there's never a shortage of people to talk to. If only all of my life could be as fake and simple as this. And then of course there's my "old friend". It seems odd to say but I've known her for about a year now. She's easy to look at and easier to talk too. I don't get any ideas though...not most of the time. She's as expensive as hell, but I'm always a hell of a lot mellower after I've talked to her. It's my way of finding a moment of peace in the middle of a firestorm. She makes the noise go away. But then again so does Captain America, church, the poetry of Dylan Thomas, chocolate milk, trips to Dunkin' Donuts, The Wu-Tang Clan, and fireworks. Uh...I don't know what those things say about me, but it's probably not normal. Despite that all I've decided to slow down with the hanging out in go-go bars for awhile. I'll still go see my "old friend" and if the guys want to go I'll always be down. But the midnight sojourns for a quick drink and a little bit of Eastern Bloc culture are going to have go by the wayside for a bit. Gotta find something else to keep the demons at bay.
I guess that makes the real question...what am I going to do with all the money I don't spend on this shit?
~
In other other news...
I bought the tickets for Saturday for Terror Behind The Walls. I'd put money on this trip being an absolute disaster. But that's not always a bad thing.
Antioch starts up again in just a few weeks. This is the first year in quite some time that I'm not looking forward to it. I'm a little fucked up right now (managing but fucked up) and I'd hate for that to negatively impact my ability to lead. So I guess my short term goal is to get my shit straight in case they really need me. There's enough good people there to step up if I can't. But there's still time for me to get right.
And I'm still eating right. I was going to go off the "diet" for the wedding on Saturday but I stayed on point (fish, salad, pasta without sauce) until we got to the bar after the wedding. There I had something called Irish nachos which was really just potato chips with gorgonzola cheese and horseradish. I'm not even sure what rule it violates, but it was too good to not violate some rule. I need to spend more time on the treadmill, so we'll see if any of this gets me anywhere.
So yeah...that's where we're at today.
Uh...this might actually be the oddest post I've ever posted. And if it's not we'll close with this...
~
"I just opened up a can of whoop worms.""What?"
"Uh..."
"You just said 'can of whoop worms.'"
"Uh...yeah."
"Were you that retarded when we hired you?"
"No. It sort of came with the job."
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