SHTU THE FCUK PU

I'm going to level with you on something here. Something I talk a lot about without ever really talking about. Friday I went down into The Abyss hard and I'm still sort of in shock that I managed to claw my way out.

Let me see if I can explain without really explaining. (I always find it more amusing when I do it like that.)

So I have this problem. It's a problem I've had since I was thirteen. It's not something I'm embarrassed about, or afraid to talk about, it just doesn't come up very often. And when it does I explain it in the simplest, truest way I possibly can. What it often boils down to is a simply worded singular line.

I'm fucked up...but I'm dealing with it.

It don't let it get to me very often. I can beat it. I always have. Something tells me I always will. But that doesn't make it go away. It never goes away. It sits up there in the back of my mind and leers at me, occasionally poking through just long enough to remind me it's still there and not going anywhere before I beat it back down and lock it away.

For fellow geeks the way I can best describe it is that it's a Darth Vader in Shadows of the Empire sort of thing. Like if Vader can concentrate and focus all the force on keeping himself going he can survive a few minutes without his the life support built into the suit. It's sort of like that for me. If I can focus and push all my energies into it I can beat back The Darkness long enough to survive. But lately my focus has been spread about.

I'm juggling conflicted feelings about a lot of people, I feel one way and want to feel that way, but in reality know that I shouldn't for a number of reasons. My health has been...well excellent. But the most fucked up excellent you can imagine. I weigh 384 lbs. I'm a mass of scabs and scar tissue. I bleed and vomit and ache one minute, and am totally fine the next. The biggest thing wrong with me is that there's nothing actually wrong with me. Which is why nothing makes any sense. I should have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, my sugars should be through the roof. But all of that is good, not just good but great. And yet...I know. I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise. But concentrating on not feeling hungry or not caving and having a hamburger takes focus away from other things and lets unpleasant thoughts slip into my head. I find myself drinking too often and often too much. I find myself spending too much money on frivolous things (comic book statues anyone?) and things I probably shouldn't (go-go dancers anyone?). And without my focus the voices...the voices, they're becoming less and less predictable.

It's tougher to control when I'm in a good mood because I tend to let my guard down. Friday I was in a good mood. I'd weathered yet another hellacious week and come out on top, everything was pretty much set for Saturday's party, I was watching kids I really care about get confirmed, and I was planning on trying to see a friend later that night. I knew I would be getting to see Nick, and Gonzo, and Forti and DC the next day and that was great because I don't see nearly enough of those guys. I was on top...and then I slipped. I let my guard down, and The Darkness came rushing in. So I did what I usually do when that happens and I went deeper, deeper down into The Abyss figuring (like always) that if I made it deep enough The Darkness would lose its way and I'd get away scot-free. But apparently on Friday night that fucker was feeling sort of relentless.

Now I was in a place (an actual place, not a place in my head) that I didn't want to be spazzing in but there was a very unexpected mitigating circumstance which was effectively preventing me from leaving. So it was either do what I had to do to survive there, or risk waiting till I was too far gone to actually do anything. I chose the first road. The one less travelled. Luckily (miraculously?) I got some help from someone who I had no right expecting help from and when things began to clear all I could say was thanks and keep on going.

And when it was all over I stood there for a moment and thought, "How the hell did I survive that?" Which is becoming something I say entirely too often.

And when I finally got home that night I spent a good thirty seconds thinking about it and maybe a minute or too longer than that discussing it with the voices (who these things beat the shit out of as well). And then I called it a night.

And nothing has been just right since. It's like The Afflictions feel disrespected because they haven't been getting enough play lately, and The Darkness feels jipped because it really thought it had me that time. And The Voices won't shut up because they feel like they helped out and everything is just sort of spinning and they all have their own opinions of what we should do next and in reality I just want to curl up in ball and have a good cry because I've fucking had enough and don't know how much longer I can keep doing this except that even as I type this I know it's a god damn bold faced lie.

I know exactly how long I can keep doing this for.

Forever.

Because what other choice do I have?