Smile Like You Mean It

"Hold my calls, I'll be indisposed for a moment."

"Duh."

"Don't put anyone through to my office, I'm going to be preoccupied."

"Uh."

"Hit the red button, I'm going to be taking a shit."

Five years of college I practically need a thesaurus to say I'm going to the can.

So the other day I was standing in my office and this woman I work with comes in and says hello, I smile and say hello. Think nothing of it.

Then yesterday the same woman came in after a very long day, on her way out the door she says goodbye. I smile and say, "Have a good night." She stops in the doorway and freezes between terror, anger, and befuddlement. I'm not sure what the hell just happened, but I can tell she's suddenly not happy and I feel badly because she's a nice woman, and I don't know exactly what she thinks I just said but whatever it was bothered her deeply. She stares at me for a second longer and I hold the smile for as long as I can without it getting creepy, finally she nods, shakes her head, and closes the door. We were the only ones who noticed something odd had just happened, and I'm not completely sure either one of us knew what it was.

I didn't realize till later...she's a pretty woman, and I'm me. Anything I say to her is a bad thing, even if it's just hello and goodbye.

But my odd women problems don't end there. I've been dodging phonecalls from this woman who sells supplemental insurance, and when I say woman I really mean girl because she can't be much older than me. This girl shouldn't be an insurance salesman she should be a model, but that's not the point. The point is I think supplemental insurance would be a nice thing to offer my employees. My father disagrees. And after I met with this girl and put the whole process in motion, he indirectly froze it. She doesn't know this, she thinks I put the stop on it which means she thinks she needs to convince me of something. So she's leaning on me...in the way pretty girls lean on guys like me. She wasn't pushing it when we met in person, but now that she sees the sale slipping away she's laying it on thick.

She wants me to think that she really wants to see me again. As we discuss the situation on the phone I think of how she would be acting in person, in part because I run everything over and over again in my head and in part because I'm a bit of a degenerate. This is the part where she would brush her hair back from her face, this is the part where she would lean over the desk while trying to explain something to me, this is the part where she would lick her lips while waiting for my response, this is the part where she would touch my hand and pretend to laugh at something silly I've said. Pretty girls know how to sell shit to ugly guys. This one sounds like she knows how it works real well...but she's never run up against a Palomba before. Problem is I really want what she's selling...I mean the insurance...I swear.

So anyway it's been a rough couple of days, and I may be getting myself into a whole lot of trouble with a whole lot of things. I'm about to change the way a few things are done, not in the easy way either. In the Palomba Way.

Wish me luck, not that it will do anyone any good.