An End To All Hob's Eve

I think it was Thursday that Hob came to me and mentioned that it was about time he be given his own holiday. At first I thought he meant a vacation, but then I realized Hob doesn't do very much in the first place. Turns out he wanted a day, a whole day, and to make things better an Eve as well. So joining the ranks of Christopher Columbus, Martin Luther King Jr., and the Easter Bunny...Hob now has his own holiday.

'Course since no one would really care either way we let Hob pick the day, and rather predictably he chose to make it as soon as possible, and give it a name which barely belies its grandeur. March 6th will forver more be All Hob's Day, so of course March 5th will be All Hob's Eve.

The first All Hob's Eve was a resounding success, spent at a bar with a bunch of great people and one bitter nasty fuck who, although I'm glad to count him as a friend, annoys me like you wouldn't belive. There were no celebrations, no commemorations, no toasts made or shots drank in Hob's name. It was a rather inauspicious start to a holiday which someday will be bigger than Christmas, or at least rival Boxing Day.

So to under-compensate for the awful beginning, I'll try and jumpstart things by writing about a few of my favorite Hobsian memories. I remember the first time I met the codgery old bastard. It was in the attic of 61 Richardson, I was half asleep when suddenly I knew there was someone in the room with me. I stared up from my mattress on the floor, the night-glo star stickers that covered the walls and ceiling providing the only light. And there, sitting in my old leather chair was a very strange, very naked old man. He was wearing only a hat and looked to be cold, but he seemed right at home sitting in my chair and tearing apart a pear with his stubby wrinkled fingers. He noticed my sudden awareness of his presence, and with a half-concerned shrug went back to what he was doing. I stared at him for a few moments trying not to blink, but I finally did, and when my eye opened after only a millisecond of being closed he was gone. I didn't know he was Hob at the time, but I somehow new we would be meeting again.

Months passed, Hob would appear in my room on occassion, sometimes on the stairway, or staring in the window, or crouched in the secret compartment, but never for long and never saying a word. One day he surprised me and I scolded himm saying he should never sneak up on me. It would be years before he showed up again. When Hob finally made his return, sometime in October of this year he seemed younger, more alert, an remarkably well dressed. This time he talked a little too...in fact we're still trying to figure a way to get him to shut-up.

So to commemorate his second tour of service, and his brand spanking new holiday. Here are some of Hobs favorite quotes from these past few months.

"Chianti is not an acceptable substitute for bourbon...but it'll sure do in a pinch." - T.O. Hob

"You don't dull a knife because its blade is too sharp, you simply find tougher things to cut."- T.O. Hob

"You haven't really lived until you spend all morning vomiting up orange juice and stale granola." - T.O. Hob

"A legend ain't a legend just because you say it is. Legends walk the walk." - T.O. Hob

"You hung a man who was meant to hang. What's so wrong about that?"- T.O. Hob

"I am well aware of your concern sir but can assure you that I have not had a drink in the past thirty-seven minutes and am therefore both exceptionally capable and shockingly overqualified to be driving a vehicle as such." - T.O. Hob

"You know what kid, you win half the battle just by showing up." - T.O. Hob

"When a man expects anything to happen, nothing can surprise him. When a man expects nothing to happen, anything can become a pleasant surprise." - T.O. Hob

"There's been a time in the evolutionary history of everything that works where it didn't. A time in the history of everything that is known when it wasn't." - T.O. Hob

"Old is when you stop worrying about how far you've come and start worrying about how far you've got left to go." - T.O. Hob

"It's going to be like Plato's Symposium, just with more red wine and less gay sex." - T.O. Hob

"Where have you gone, my fondest of friend? Where will you be tomorrow? Why did we stop...and not start again? Why don't you share in my sorrow?"- T.O. Hob's Ballad

"How does a man who knows so little, know about so much?" - T.O. Hob

"It ain't the parts kid, it's the wiring." - T.O. Hob

"The goal is to spread your obsessions thin enough that they simply become other things you're really really interested in." - T.O. Hob

"It's entirely too bad that no one in your life ever took the time to tell you to go fuck yourself. I'm convinced it would have done you a world of good." - T.O. Hob

"What do you have? An idea? Don't be a fool. What good is an idea when you don't have a world to work it on?" - T.O. Hob

"What now boy? Or did you like it better when you honestly thought you were just like everybody else?" - T.O. Hob

"You don't hold on because everything's perfect. You hold on because there's always just enough that's right to keep holding on to." - T.O. Hob

"You can learn a lot of things from listening to a man who has just lost a fight. Most importantly how important it is not to get into a fight in the first place." - T.O. Hob

"When you get sick of watching the walls crumble, call me." - T.O. Hob

"You know what, I'm going to go get me a Fat Bitch right now...and when I'm done with her I think I'll get a sandwich." - T.O. Hob, on The Rutgers Grease Truck Scandal (See the February 11th edition of The Daily Targum)

"You need not believe in what is or what isn't, you need only believe in what might be." - T.O. Hob

"To who we are, what we've done, and the great things I'm sure you're all going to do." - Hob's "A Toast to Friends"

"The love I have known in my life pales only in comparison to the love I had hoped to know." - T.O. Hob

Alright so Hob stole some of those from Montaigne, and Shakespeare, and the West Wing...and even some from me. But he meant well, at least I think he did.

I'm not sure where this is all going, not sure exactly what's going on in my life. I know I enjoyed myself tonight, and hope I can have more nights very much like this one. But outside of that, who knows? I'm in a tough place, but it's no tougher then where you are, and no tougher than the places I've been before. So I hope your All Hob's Eve was well, and here's to a Happy All Hob's Day...