The Stand: 24 Hours

"Everybody has it in them to make a stand...it's figuring out what to do next that proves to be the real challenge." - Palomba

I knew from the beginning that last night was going to be a tough one.

Pulling into New Brunswick was awkward. It was like visiting a house you used to live in only to find that the people there were using your bedroom as a bathroom. Like they just didn't understand how it was supposed to be.

The world seems to have taken an affinity to dropping bombs on me as of late, and I must admit I'm beginning to do the same out of sheer resentment.

Last night's surprise came early. Matt, in between Karl Rove jokes, mentions that it might be our last show...catching me only a little off-guard because I go into every show assuming it will be our last. But I don't think my reaction was what I intended it to be, because Matt spent the rest of the night trying to convince me we'll have at least one more show. He's a good guy.

We kicked ass by the way, and Julie joined us live in studio to add the much needed third voice to the program. As we were in the newsroom listening to the new guys do the News at Ten she starts reading The Daily Targum. She reads her horoscope, and it says something about someone giving her good advice. And she laughs and says something about an anonymous comment on her blog...which of course, I wrote. And now have to admit I wrote because to discuss it as if I didn't write it would be like lying. And we all know how I feel about lying, particularly to people I like to consider friends.

So then everyone is heading down to the Branch, and of course I want to go because I'm bored out of my mind, but as we head down The Darkness catches me and I know if I have a drink it will only make me feel worse, and feeling worse right then is not something I think I could deal with very well. So instead of going into the bar I end up explaining to Rob that I'm not feeling very well and must, unfortunately, beg out of the night's festivities.

I head home. But the whole time I'm thinking about how I barely can think and hurt all over for no good god damn reason and all I want is for it all to stop just long enough for me to pull my shit together and figure out how I plan on getting to sleep that night.

I can't find anywhere to park, I've found the only Dunkin' Donuts in the world where no matter what you order you get black hyper-caffeinated coffee instead, my head is shaking. I've vomitted twice and can't stop my nose from bleeding. The whole world is spinning, but refuses to go black.

Then I have to go to work...and tell my father exactly how little I trust him. And since no one ever stands up to my father but me he doesn't know how to react. Sometimes he gets angry, sometimes he just laughs. He never understands. Today he just laughed. And assured me I had nothing to worry about, of course I could trust him. Somehow I think he missed the point. If I don't trust you old man, than how can telling me you're trustworthy possibly make a difference?

Ok, yeah so I had to cancel ATV riding on Saturday because if I'm still in this sort of mood I'd most likely just run the damn thing off a cliff...and that would be a bad idea. Because I have one more radio show left, and there are a whole lot of people who I would like to see again...when I'm feeling somewhat more human.