Proper Fucked

Things shouldn't really get crazy until next week. I swear to God I was ready for it. As ready as one could be for his life being tossed hard on it's ass for a good month or two no matter what he does. But things already haven't gone exactly as planned.

First off I am finally officially broke.

And by broke I mean I have plenty of money but am actually at the point where I have to start thinking hard about what I'm doing with it. I have spent a prodigious amount of money in the past eight months and while I've enjoyed every penny of it the simple fact is if I want to keep doing the things I'm doing I need to slow down a bit. Just a bit.

Second, work has gone totally in the toilet.

Some good people are going to lose their jobs over what's happened here in the past few days. I'm not going to be able to take care of some people who have come to count on me. The whole thing is rotten. I couldn't have done anything to stop it, no one here did anything wrong, it's not our fault, but like everything here it's my responsibility. And it's my job to fix it. I don't have problems. I have solutions. Just haven't figured out which one will fit right here.

Third, I have to decide what the hell I'm doing with Antioch.

Sometime in the next month I need to get my head square and take a good long look at what I've been doing there for the past 12 or 13 years. I need to decide if I can take watching another group come and go, losing touch with people I care a lot about. That never seems to get easier. The dynamic has changed for me (yet again), and as much as I want to go back I'm stuck in the same place I've been many times before, wondering if I should.

Finally, I'm enjoying my life entirely too much right now.

I don't want to grow complacent. My life seems to cycle. Although every year is new and interesting in some way it seems that I'll have a good year or two followed by a dark year or two. Maybe God's decided that I'm the type that needs to be tossed in the shit every so often to make certain that I appreciate life's finer moments. I never grow tired of the dark days, but I've certainly become less and less ready to face them. They seem less like a challenge and more like a chore lately. I don't know if I'm ready for another long winter. Don't know if I can handle the days getting shorter and the nights getting tougher again. But then again...what choice do I have?

So tomorrow I'll try and regain some ground at work. Get my Draco statue fixed. Straighten out some cash matters. Continue to wait for Ol' Scratch to get delivered. Try and learn to draw. Maybe start studying Russian again. Take a nap for sure. Stop in at the last open youth room. Rethink Sean's bachelor party. Perhaps pay a visit to an "old friend". Likely try and get a hold of a few people I haven't talked to in far too long just to see how they're doing. Watch a movie. And spend a good long time thinking about some things, and trying not to think of others.

Night All...wish us luck.