Watch me now.
Yesterday I turned 24. For 24 hours that actually meant something, for 24 hours being 24 was special. Then it wasn't. Then it was over. Then it was normal. Forget 23 ever existed. Forget that each one of those years meant a god damn thing, because as of today...yesterday doesnt' exist.
It was the most meaningless birthday of all time. 24 is nothing compared to 10 (double digits), 13 (teenager), 17 (license), 18 (LEGAL!), 20 (out of teens), and 21 (ALCOHOL!). Not much else till thirty now. But more so, it was the first time that my birthday seemed as unimportant as we always pretended to think it was. No cake, no candles, no happy birthday songs. We just sort of rolled with it. Fuck the sympathy though, because despite it all it was a pretty decent day.
I learned a long time ago that when a much anticipated day goes to shit you need to just forget about it altogether. There was that Thanksgiving where I ended up alone in New Brunswick and I made the mistake of making myself a microwave turkey and stuffing dinner. It was one of the most pathetic moments of my life, sitting alone in the woods picking at a Swanson. And so I learned when a day goes to shit, just make the best of what's left and move on. So no sprinkled donut with a candle in it for me, instead I hit New Brunswick for yet another Knightbeat. But when it was over we booked out so quick I could barely catch my breath and I found myself alone at 10:05 on my big day.
To be fair there were places I could have gone, but not really places I felt like being. So I considered my other options, my everyday options, the things that normally keep me happy. But...
You know that game where you make everything anyone says dirty (and funny) by adding the words "in bed" to it? Now try it with those same things but add "Alone on your birthday."
Get the picture?
I wanted to go see "The Phantom of The Opera" again (it soothes me...let the gay jokes begin) but I didn't because it would be pathetic to go see "The Phantom of The Opera"...alone on my birthday.
I skipped dinner so by the time I got back to Fair Lawn I was starving, so I was going to stop for a late dinner/early breakfast over at the Empress, and then I couldn't do it because it just didn't seem right to sit in a diner eating breakfast in the middle of the night...alone on my birthday.
Knowing how foolish I was being, but unwilling for the moment to acknowledge the fact, I ended up sitting home browbeating myself over my ever growing insecurities. Scaring myself silly over things I needn't even think about.
Needless to say I didn't sleep a wink, but thinking I had the morning off I wasn't all that concerned...
Of course things change.
And at 5:30 this morning I was on my way into work because many of the people who work for me have little sense of responsibility. I could have lived with all that, but then things would have been all too easy.
My father (or Satan as we like to call him) was in a mood. And my father in a mood is not a pleasant thing...for me. So after hour upon hour of dealing with his nonsensical ranting (occasionally punctuated with odd sulking silences) I'd had enough.
By the seventh time he yelled at me this morning I felt forced to respond. So I told him to shove it, but unfortunately he's become accustomed to me not taking his shit, and without the element of surprise I can't elicit the requisite innane retort on his part which would lead up to my climactic issue resolving speech. Instead he just becomes quiet and plots all the while waiting for coincidence to throw him a bone.
His doggy treat of the day came in the form of the new office computer. Keep in mind this is a man who thought Gutenberg was frivolous when he came up with moveable type. The new computer was required (I had no office computer and was not so inclined as to ask my secretary "permission" whenever I chose to use hers). The man wants a network, but refuses me the proper equipment. Wants me to take full advantage of the new computers capabilities, but refuses me an internet connection. He thinks the internet is for games. And while I agree that internet has many silly little uses (such as this), and can come in handy for things such as downloading music, chatting on AIM, or searching for pictures of your favorite eighteen year old celebrities it is also the single greatest tool available to any business today. The old man doesn't see this. He'd rather argue about things he never taught me then let me make progress with things I already know.
I spent a good part of the day furious, the rest of it just plain exhausted. I haven't slept much in the past three days, haven't had much peace.
I'm haunted.
I never did get it. Could never figure it out.
I haven't slept in my bed in nearly four months. Haven't stepped foot in that room more than once or twice since then. Haven't been able to.
See that night I gave something up under the guise of asking God to take it away. The truth was it didn't need to be taken, I was really just giving it up myself. The miracle is that it actually did go away. It disappeared. Flew off into the night with so much other misery.
And then I realized. It had taken the good with the bad. So much good in fact that it didn't leave me with enough to keep going. I was spent.
And I'd done it all to myself.
So I couldn't go back into that room. Not until I righted a wrong. Not till I set the record straight. Not till I got it all back.
So I haven't been back in since. And now I know.
I could have gotten it all back so long ago. Could have snapped my fingers and been done with it. I haven't avoided the room because I was afraid of what going back in there would do to me, I've avoided going back in there because I was afraid of admitting what I'd already done.
I'd moved on.
Not completely, not for good, not in the way which would fix all this. But I'd moved on nonetheless.
And this is where I've found myself.
24 years old, on the verge of so many decisions I should have already made. Ready for so much else, but never quite sure how to get it.
24 years old...and well on the way.
So...watch me now.
"Did you ever think that maybe we latch onto one thing so we can let go of another?" - Palomba
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