Hold On

"When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand."
- The Killers, from All These Things That I Have Done

I write things like this entry when I'm in a good mood and simply don't want to admit it. I've been thinking about all the bad things that get me down and for some reason it made me smile a bit.

Yeah, that's right, I'm all fucked up.

"When you get sick of watching the walls crumble, call me." - T.O. Hob

So here we go...

In three weeks I'll be a part of what should be my last Antioch weekend. It'll probably be the last thing I'm ever really a part of. After this it's all business and bullshit. Nothing else real, nothing else important. I want to be able to tell these kids something important before I go. Something honest, something real. But I can't think of what to say.

How do you tell someone that years of living "right" and being a good person don't guarantee you shit? That I'm a 24-year old bum living alone in a shitty little one bedroom apartment that I can't even manage to keep clean even though I could stand with my back up against one wall and piss across the whole damn place. That I spend most of my nights working late and coming home to frozen pizza dinners and a few fitful hours of sleep when I'm lucky. That no matter how many people you love, and how many people love you, there's always going to be that time when you feel alone...or are alone.

How do you tell people anything at all? That's my new dilemma.

All these thing I've been a part of. Things I've started, things I've finished. Things I helped to make what they are. And they've all gone. Every last one of them. And now this.

"You can learn a lot of things from listening to a man who has just lost a fight. Most importantly how important it is not to get into a fight in the first place." - T.O. Hob

I think there is something here which is important as well. Something that exists only on these pages. I remember when I started this I wanted a way to talk to people, it felt like a way to communicate with people all over the world. A way to learn.

It quickly became a place to stow my feelings, tuck them away and stop them from affecting my everyday life. When it got too full up things began to pour out, emotions flowing back from these pages and into my life. Revelations.

Then it was a way to hold on. A way to not let go of a place I loved, of people I loved, of a time I never wanted to forget.

Now it's the only place I have left to be like this. To be the guy who thinks too much about things he's not supposed to think at all about. It's that place where I can still pretend I'm smarter than everyone else, where I can still flex the little creative muscle I have left, where I can act like I can make a difference.

It's a small place, a lonely crossroad with the rare visitor, but it suits me...and it's worth holding on to.

And in the end, that's not so bad.

"You don't hold on because everything's perfect. You hold on because there's always just enough that's right to keep holding on to." - T.O. Hob

"Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on."
- The Killers, from All These Things That I Have Done