"I asked God to help me, and look at what he done did." - Lazarus Jones
"I call a person rich when he can meet the requirements of his imagination." - Ralph, The Portrait of a Lady
The other night I was laying in my bed when I was caught by a wicked feeling and suddenly found myself talking to the ceiling. I asked the man upstairs to help me stop thinking about something, and in a surprising twist of events...he did.
I remember saying once that I didn't understand why people would want to forget something, even the really horrible unpleasant stuff. And here I was asking God to help me forget some genuinely fantastic memories. It wasn't the memories that were getting to me, it was the feelings.
See thinking about the things I was thinking about didn't just make me remember the way I felt, it made me feel the way I felt. It was pure torture, to go from feeling so good to feeling so bad for no good reason. The feelings that came with the memories were eating me up, so I asked God to help me...and he did.
But I can still think about the memories, and that's a problem. The memories aren't gone, they are still there, just as vivid as ever. But instead of feeling those feelings when I think about those things my head just gets a funny numbness. If numb is the lack of feeling then this is the lack of feeling the lack of feeling. I know what I should be feeling, but I don't feel it, instead I feel like I'm missing something and that feeling just rattles around inside my head.
I hate it. It's killing me. Not feeling what I should when I think those things makes things as bad as they were in the first place...and I suppose that's how God likes to make a point.
So point taken old friend. Really, I get. Now let's sit down at talk this one over. We really should. I'll bring the cheese fries if you bring the coffee. Really, please, let's talk this one through. I know we can. It can't stay like it is. It can't. I can't live like this. So please...please help me.
"Can you hear me? I don't want this anymore! I want to call it off!"- Joel, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
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