Junction

This used to happen to me all the time.

It's been happening less and less lately. I get called back to the office in the middle of the night for no good reason all the time, but this is different. This is like it used to be.

I used to shut off the television, go into my bedroom, get undressed, shut the lights off and climb under the sheets. As soon as I closed my eyes the phone would ring. Never fail. It happened every night...every-single-fucking-night. Never fail.

And I would climb out of bed, get dressed, start my car and head back out into the freezing night to go back to work. Every night. Never fail.

Some nights it would happen two or three times. Other nights just that once because I'd never make it home for it to happen again. But it happened so much it damn near drove me crazy. So we worked harder, tried new things, and before long had it almost sorted out. The calls still came, but less frequently, and as luck would have it no longer just as I was getting into bed.

Then tonight. It happened again.

The phone rang.

My father is leaving for Florida in a few weeks, he's just put us on the precipice of what could be a truly destructive calamity, and in general there's a good chance work is about to get a lot tougher.

My personal life isn't exactly bang-o either. I have a girlfriend now. I still can't wrap my head around that. She's fantastic, and I love her to death, but just not in the way that she wants. And she knows that, and I'm sure it pisses her off, but...I'm just not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be. I mean I don't need a girlfriend, but I need her. I need my friends. I need my family. I need me...to be in one piece...and have my shit together right now. And oh boy is my shit not together right now.

The old afflictions are circling, the obsessions starting, the illusions creeping back in. I can't keep my hands busy, I can't keep my mind straight, I can't breathe without thinking about each and every breathe I take.

Some people would say it's the holidays, other people would blame it on the weather, but I know the truth. It's all on me. All...on...me.

We've reached a divide in the road.

Which way will we go?

The phone is ringing.