The Squid and The Whale

Don't think of anything. Just don't. Don't read anything, don't watch anything, don't do anything. Don't sing a few words from your favorite song, don't even whistle the tune. Just don't. When you have an idea, just don't do anything to interfere, until you have that idea down where you know you'll never lose it. Because once it's gone, it's gone.

I'm tired.

I don't really know if I love what I do, don't really know if I like who I am anymore. I've been tired before. Been scared and alone in the cold and the dark petrified of what's going to happen next. But mostly I've just been tired before.

I've never felt this way before though.

I've never had to forget about everything else before just so I could enjoy myself. I love to read, but most of the books I've read lately haven't been able to catch my fancy. I love movies, but anything I see for the first time now seems to be missing something. I love music, but can't seem to find too much that hits the exact right spot anymore. But tonight I forgot about everything else, and not in the normal put it out of your mind for now sort of way but in the classic Palomba forget about everything sort of way. The sort of way where everything but what you're doing really is gone.

It's a great sort of way.

It used to be easier.

But tonight I did it so that I could enjoy myself, so that I can sit in the darkened movie theater and watch a good movie, and laugh where I was supposed to laugh and feel sad where I was supposed to feel sad and connect with the characters everywhere I was supposed to make a connection. Tonight I let it all go...and enjoyed myself immensely.

But like I said it all used to be easier. Tonight as I drove back to the office it all started to drain back into me, bit by bit the horror returned.

Oddly enough it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

Instead of letting it get to me I just thought about something else.

I thought about saying, "I can't remember the things I thought about before I thought about the things I think about now." And I laughed at how true that was at the time.

I thought about all the things that I know. About all the things I wish I could show other people, even though I'm certain most of them know these things already. I thought about old friends, and new friends, and friends I've yet to meet.

I thought about writing something.

I thought about how I was going to die.

I remember thinking in college that I would have liked to go to high school at one of those fancy academies in New York, just because I thought it would be cool to see the city during my lunch or while I waited for a ride home. I remember thinking how cool it would be to be able to go to the museums everyday and see broadway plays and eat at fancy restaurants and all the other things which seem like they would be inevitable if I spent a lot of time in the city. I don't remember thinking this when I was in high school. I don't remember what I thought in high school.

I remember at DePaul all I really thought about was getting out of DePaul, and how the whole process was making me pretty miserable. But I also remember when I used to miss the bus, how I'd sit out front of the school leaning against the same tree everytime waiting for my mother to pick me up. I remember it was warm, and it felt good to be able to take my tie off and unbutton my collar. Sometimes I'd even roll up my pants till they were cuffed sloppily just below me knees. I'd sit there and play with a piece of grass, or a rock, or something simple because I didn't read much during this time, and although I'm sure it must have had one I don't actually ever recall being in DePaul's library. I know I must have been thinking of something during that time, but for the life of me I don't remember what.

I remember at Manchester, before I really made friends, I'd sit alone at lunch and try to ignore the older kids who would give me shit. There were a bunch of us who didn't really belong anywhere, and we'd all sit together. And even though we were allowed to sit wherever we wanted for some reason we'd all always sit in the same place, in the same order, and have the same exact conversation before drifting off into an uncomfortable silence. I must have been thinking something during all of this, but for the life of me...

I remember at Marist how I used how I used to take the bus home every weekend. It was a long rider so sometimes I would read on the bus, but usually I wouldn't, usually I'd just sit there, not talking to anyone, just waiting for my stop. I must have been thinking of something during that ride, but...

So right now I remember what I thought about when I couldn't remember what I was thinking about back then, but how long will that last? How long before I forget all that too?

There was a day where my life changed, where everything became different. But in reality so much is still exactly the same.

I've never woken up and thought, "I don't want to go to work." Never woke up and thought, "I hate my job." I usually just wake up and think, "There's work to be done."

Never before have I had to forget about everything just to enjoy myself though. That's not good it bothers me a bit...

There's so much going on in my head right now, so much spinning about tonight. About today really. I got more sleep today then I did in the past week combined. It's probably the longest I've slept in about a year. Still I woke up tired. Woke up beat.

I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's happening.

I just know I don't like it, and for a guy who is rarely disappointed in this world because he expects so very little from it and gets so very much, this could be a very bad thing.