Climbing The Hill

"Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho' my life was in a rut
"Till I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" he said "Grab your things
I've come to take you home." - Peter Gabriel, Solsbury Hill

"What do I do? What do I do ?!? You want a paycheck this week? Yes? That's what I fucking do." - Palomba

"You can't stop me. You can't even slow me down." - T.O. Hob

It wasn't one year to the day, but it was roughly a year give or take. I said things. Don't know if I should have. I was ashamed at the time. Not anymore. Not...any...more.

What is it about being a kid right out of college?

The other night I had a dream. It was my last week of college. I was surrounded by all the people I'd come to know and love. We were all moving towards a single brilliant finale. There was no fear, no trepidation. There were no loose ends. Just an end. A beginning. So much happened in the dream that was exactly like real life. But for some reason it all just glowed a little bit more.

It wasn't nostalgia, it was understanding. Before I woke up that morning my mind raced through everything that has happened to me in the past year, and though it was all true to what happened to me, it just seemed...different. It was like I was watching a movie version of my life, or reading a story that had been written once I was gone. It wasn't the benefit of hindsight, it was the fruition of my foresight that got to me. I knew how special everything was when it was going on, and I was careful to enjoy it without getting too overwhelmed. But in the dream I was overwhelmed...and it was amazing.

Then it all started popping. It was like little lights going off under my eyelids and I swear I was "awake" for at least part of it. But I was seeing things. It was like I was watching other people's lives. People I know...or knew. People I've left behind (or have they left me?). It was interesting, and comforting, and made me just a little bit sad. To see so many people I've loved doing so many different things. Some of them were doing great, others not so much. But the common factor was that they were all doing it without me. I missed being a part of all their lives, but more importantly I missed them. All of them.

When I woke up that morning I was feverish. Could barely open my mouth. Everything hurt. I was struggling to get out of bed, but when I finally made it I couldn't walk, so I just slouched down against my bedroom wall and threw my Ipod on. I spent the rest of the day collapsed there listening to some of my favorite music.

Many hours later I ran into a stretch of my favorite songs, most of which are tied with great moments or times in my life. They kind of put the piss and vinegar back in me, and suddenly I was up. And moving...and practically bouncing off the walls.

No matter how they were doing I'd at least seen that everyone else was ok. And I was ok. Everything was ok. I'd gone through a year in only a few minutes and I'd spent most of a day struggling with it but when I finally reached the top...shit.

I mean, shit. I mean, Holy Fucking Shit.

It wasn't a breakthrough it wasn't the beginning or end of a chapter. It was just a friggin' fantastic way to spend a day. And despite being so beaten and battered that I'm practically dead...I feel fine.

I feel fine.

No...

I feel great.


With love and respect...

There is no light...we run on.