Sit on It...and Rotate

I think I tore my rotator cuff.

I can't really be sure though, because I'm not really sure what a rotator cuff is. And since I'm not a pitcher for the Yankees I don't really know who to call to find out.

I've done some shit in the last two days that I'm not particularly proud of. That's beginning to be sort of a mantra of mine. Next step is figuring out how it makes a difference.

Bad week last week, crazy week this week. Not really sure which way is up right now but I wanted to share a quick story while I had a chance.

I got a bad phone call the other day, from someone I hadn't heard from in awhile. Turns out an old friend of ours, who I also hadn't talked to in awhile, is very sick. So sick he might not make it. Cancer. It's sort of scary. Shit like that isn't supposed to happen to good people like him, and all you can do is sit and wait. Been so long since I seen him it's not even like I can just call him up and see how he's doing. Way I see it in six months I'll hear he's dead, or hear he's not. Either way it won't make much difference, just like I can't call him to say I'm sorry he's sick, I won't be able to call him and say I'm glad when he's well. It's just another sad story that doesn't really affect me, all I can do is hope and pray for an old friend I likely won't see again either way.

This afternoon, as I was beginning to pull out of the fever that has enveloped me for most of the last two days, another friend left me a message saying she needed to talk to me. Right away. When I asked if she was ok, she said she wasn't.

Now the terror which swallowed me at this moment is almost as bad as anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not the sort who is afraid of very much, but here I was scared shitless of God knows what.

Now the old friend who is sick is certainly a friend, but he's someone who hasn't been a part of my life in the last three years or so. Someone who I care a lot about, but...well you know. Now this other person is certainly a friend too, a different sort of friend most likely, but someone who I still see occasionally for the time being. Someone who I care a lot about, and for a second I imagined that my week was about to get a lot worse indirectly.

So when she told me that a common friend of ours was going away, I was just glad everybody was ok. I was relieved that it was just something bad and not something worse.

Relief...not a feeling I'm entirely used to.

God damn old ghosts are all riled up.

And there ain't a thing I can do about it...

Not right now anyways.