Conversations I Swear I Haven't Had With Myself In The Past 24 Hours

"You know what could possibly go wrong if I don't show up for work this morning? I'm the only one in the office on the weekend, I bet no one would even notice. And if they did? So what I'm the boss. Yeah that's it, I'm not going to work this morning. Fuck 'em all. That's right, bad ass Palomba, not showing up for work at 6:00 A.M. on a Sunday morning. Better not fuck with me, I'm a mean nasty irresponsible badd ass motherfucker who's not going to work on Sunday morning. And you see what I did there? That was Badd with two d's like the white people pretending to be black people used to use in the titles of those blaxploitation films. Yeah...I should have been in one of those movies, they could have called it 'Badd Ass Palomba And That Sunday Morning Where He Didn't Go To Work Because He's A Baddd Man Who Doesn't Give A Fuck' Yeah..."

"Shit. Where are my pants? I need to get to work."

"Damn dog shit on the floor again. Stupid dog. Stupid, smelly, shitty dog. Why did you shit on the floor again dog? Huh? Why? You never see me shitting on the floor do you dog? And it's not because it doesn't sound like fun, it's because I'm a responsible adult and responsible adults DO NOT SHIT ON THE FLOOR! Stupid dog. Stupid, smelly, shitty dog."

"Man I wish they made cheese in a bucket. That would be the greatest thing ever. Right up there with that story of the guy in a wheelchair who got stuck on the grill of a semi-truck and got pushed down the highway at 50 mph. Man that was some funny shit. You know what they should do? They should put some cheese in a bucket and give it to that kid. Then this would be like the best week of his little wheelchair bound life. Getting to ride on the grill of a semi-truck and getting a free bucket of cheese. Awesome."

"Was I that big of an idiot when I was fifteen? No wonder girls didn't talk to me. It's a wonder my parents didn't take me out back the barn and shoot me in the head. I think this kid's retarded. And I don't mean in the traditional jocular he's so stupid he could be retarded sort of way. I mean maybe he needs a helmet, a harness, and a few hours a day in that small padded room that smells like stale urine."

"Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs."

"Oh shit, is that cop following me? Am I speeding? Oh fuck, I forgot to put the license plate on the front of the car. He's definitely going to pull me over. No big, I'll just explain or pay the ticket. Oh shit! How the hell do I explain having a sixteen year old girl in my car at ten o'clock on a Sunday night...while I'm doing 20 mph over the speed limit...without a license plate on the front of the car! FUCK! Oh, hey, wait...it's a taxi cab not a cop car. Whew...hey, is that taxi cab following me?"

"What's that smell?"

"Holy shit? That's it? That's how they end the fucking show? Do they expect us to put up with that. I'm calling HBO in the morning and telling them they can take my subscription and shove it up their ass. Fade to black...well, I guess it was sort of cool. Poignant even, wait, no fuck it. That was bullshit. And you didn't even get to see when the car crushed Retardo's head. They cut away and just made the noise. I bet that's not even what a head popping sounds like. I bet it sounds totally different like no one would ever expect. Ok, so it was sort of hot when Meadow said 'fucking' in the restaurant and AJ's girlfriend wasn't half bad either. But what the hell was it with only having the Bing dancers on CCTV during the scene with Tony's lawyer? It's the final episode get those bitches out. Every guy in the show should have been shot and every chick should have been running around topless. Except the one who plays Tony's sister. We don't need to see that, they could have just shot her too. Didn't someone say they were thinking of making a Sopranos movie? Fuck that. I've been paying to watch this shit for the last three years there's no way they're getting another ten bucks out of me...unless Meadow gets naked. I'd pay to see that."

"Maybe you need to get your fat ass in shape so that eating pringles and jacking off doesn't require cold compresses and a three hour cool down period. Just a thought."

"The M1 Garand is the main reason we won World War II. If not for that brilliant piece of weaponary we might all be speaking Nazi right now. I base this totally on the fact that when playing Call of Duty on XBox Live I always kick some Axis ass using the M1 Garand."

"Is it supposed to curve like that?"