"I know."
"What are you going to do about it?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Hi.
Remember me?
I'm the guy who really wishes he wasn't...well, anywhere right now.
I got problems.
Where do I start?
Oh yeah...right here.
Teetotaled
"Way I figure if it takes a 12 year old Scotch and a 19 year old Russian to keep me from putting a gun in my mouth at the end of the day, well then, there's really not much reason to argue with it."
Well...there wasn't. I'd stopped drinking for awhile, but then I realized that I really drank so little that it wouldn't affect my problem. So I started drinking just a little bit again. But then I decided that even though I wasn't drinking too much I was drinking more often than I wanted to. So I slowed down again. But now every time I have a drink (which isn't that often) I think 'Should I be drinking this?' which is totally irrational and just pisses me off. But I can't help it.
The other half of that equation is of course a problem in all sorts of different ways. I like go-go bars. I'm not going to go-go bars. This is good because I don't spend money and I'm not drinking. This is bad because I'm friggin' bored. It also makes me feel like an ass when I do go to a certain bar to visit a certain "old friend". As it turns out I really do like talking to her. In fact when I don't talk to her for a few weeks I miss talking to her. How frigged' is that? I've spent almost as much time talking to her in the past year as I have talking to my friends. It's cool to have someone to talk to that it doesn't matter how stupid what you say is because at the end of the night you just fork over some cash and it's like you didn't say anything at all. It's like having a really hot shrink. There's more to it than that of course. In a time where I was desperately searching for anything to help me not lose my god damn mind she was a really big help. I have a hard time forgetting debts like that. Which makes it really suck that I might just have to stop going to visit her altogether.
"But..."
"Don't say it."
"What if I love her?"
"Motherfucker."
Familial
"But you forget, we're Palombas. That means we can do pretty much anything that doesn't involve talent, grace, skill, or intelligence."
I've learned a lot about both sides of my family in the past few weeks. Not necessarily good things, but things I'm glad to know. Everyone is hurting right not for a variety of reasons, everyone is getting ready to face some pretty stiff challenges. Myself included.
What frightens me here though is how much of it will affect me and how little control I'll have over all of it. I want nothing but the best for everyone, but as my father often reminds me I can't save everyone. It's not my job. It's not my responsibility. Nobody expects me to be able to...except me of course. It's one of my fatal flaws. Not only do I want to fix everything...but I really think I can.
"Everybody can see, it's plain as day, we Palomba's, we fall hard. Real hard. But not everybody knows our secret. You see, we may fall hard but...we bounce."
Sacrilege & Blasphemy
"I can't stop the rain, and I can't make the sun come out. But I can tell you it's only water, and there are worse things than being wet."
A certain unfortunate situation has arisen in the past few days. One that is by and large of my own making. I count among my great failures of the past year the fact that I couldn't nip this in the bud last time it came up, but I had really hoped that a year of growth and change would have solved the problem for me. How foolish of me.
And then I had another chance to fix it this year. Another chance to make it go away. But I couldn't do it. I just didn't have it in me. I readily admit now that was a mistake, even though I'm still adamant that it was the right thing to do.
It won't ever sit right with me what I'm about to do.
I can make a lot of excuses, but I know the truth.
I know why I'm really doing what I'm doing. And it makes me sick.
"You hung a man who was meant to hang. What's so wrong about that?"
"Everything Hob. Everything."
Sludge & Monotony
"You don't dull a knife because its blade is too sharp, you simply find tougher things to cut."
Last week at this time I was thinking of taking a vacation. Thinking of finding a new way to get my head sorted out. Trying to break out of this...funk.
A lot's happened since then.
My basement filled with water again. I failed at my resolution to get back to exercising everyday. I haven't been doing great with my diet. My house stinks like shitty dog. I'm constantly tired. I'm bleeding a lot again. Nothing is going very well.
There's an official complaint with the state against me. In the complaint the guy says the he came to me on May 19th, 2004 to ask me about something, but I told him I was too busy to deal with it. May 19th certainly was a busy day for me seeing as I was graduating from SCILS that day, wasn't working at the bus company yet, and hadn't even met the fellow in question at that point. But that's just the sort of week I'm having.
I really don't have a lot going for me right now. In addition to being fuck all crazy I'm coming dangerously close to letting this perpetual melancholy evolve into an actual depression. That scares me a little. I'm also spending entirely too much time alone. This doesn't really help the situation.
But still...
"You don't hold on because everything's perfect. You hold on because there's always just enough that's right to keep holding on to."
Ode To Joy
"A legend ain't a legend just because you say it is. Legends walk the walk."
And finally...
I'm beginning to wonder if I don't work better when everything is going to hell. Beginning to wonder if the potential to right a wrong does more for me then something being right all along. Maybe it's just another way I'm fucked up.
I've been thinking a lot lately about going over the edge and seeing where it takes me, but I know that would just be me asking for a whole lot of hurt that I really don't think I can handle right now. So instead I'll keep on not being normal, keep on being amused by anything and everything that catches my fancy, and keep on trying to figure out exactly how this all works out.
"Are we ever going to be ok?"
"I don't know about you kid, but I'll be just fine."
"No, really..."
"Really? We'll be alright."
"How do you know?"
"I don't. But can you really imagine this ending any other way?"
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