The Good Fight.

And so it goes...

I've learned something troubling in the last few days. I can't get angry anymore. Last night I tried to, I didn't really have a reason to, but I never needed a reason before. So I tried to get angry and I really couldn't do it. I could say I was angry, I could act like I was angry, I could scowl and growl and sulk like I was angry...but I couldn't really get angry.

I can't get excited anymore. I don't look forward to things like I used to. I used to be able to get excited for the littlest thing (even if I never showed it) a movie coming out, a video game I wanted to get, a book I wanted to read. A party, a trip, even something as silly as a good rain on a grey day. Not anymore. I enjoy all these things still, but I never really get excited about them anymore.

I'm happy and I'm depressed and I'm lost and I'm strong. I don't get it either so I guess you could say I'm confused. I'm having weird dreams. But not the weird nonsensical wisdom filled damn near prophetic dreams I used to have...just weird dreams. Last night I dreamed of arguing with my mother about unrefrigerated left over chinese food in a house that neither one of us ever lived in.

"Mom is that chinese food still good?"

"It was ok."

"No I don't mean was it good, I mean is it still good."

"I told you I liked it. I don't know if it was really good."

"No mom, I mean is it still good. Like not spoiled. Not rotten."

"I guess it was pretty rotten to be honest."

"No mom...nevermind."

Then I ate a magic donut given to me by the cute girl from dunkin donuts who was somehow living in the cupboard in the laundry room of this house my mother and I had never lived in.

It was a good donut.

See what I mean?

And then someone I care a lot about just told me something I really didn't want to hear about someone else I care a lot about.

And that goes two ways.

And I did nothing. I didn't get angry, I couldn't get all worked up, I almost got upset, but I just couldn't. I wanted to fight, I wanted to rage, I wanted to do something. But I couldn't. Not now anyways. The overwhelming feeling that I had wasn't anger, wasn't sadness, wasn't confusion. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't stop two people I care very much about from falling into the same silly trappings of life I've watched so many people fall into before.

And I'm worried. Worried that they won't get it in time to fix it. Worried that they'll never understand.

See it's not that we were a team, it's that we are team, and always will be. No matter what we say or do. No matter how much time passes.


When you fight with your friends,
you still have us.
When your family is fucked,
you still have us.
When the world's stacked against you,
you still have us.
But when you turn your back on us?
You've got nothing.

Think about it.