Fade To Black

"Not so fast kid...the day is not over yet." - T.O. Hob

I have weathered the storm. Me.

And I stand here in one of my movie moments, the sea of empty seats dull lit by the projector's flickering lights and wonder what comes next.

There is this head, the one that I pretend controls me when in fact I know it to be the other way around. These voices whose names I have taken from places and things I have known and loved. These movements I have practiced, and fine tuned, until they are no longer movements and simply mechanics.

I have had my movie moments, more so than most. Those instances of revelation where I watch the world play out its hand right in front of me. Those half turns in door ways, silent nods in the hallway, slivers of light bouncing off key plot points and reflecting reality with stunning clarity. Her soft sweet tears in the moment I realize I have made a difference, his handshake as we say goodbye and marvel at the fact we've actually turned into friends at the exact same second we realize we'll never see each other again. The finality of walking out of a room and closing a door behind you, knowing you never get to open it again. The frozen heartbeats and exruciating pauses when you wonder if that heart will ever start beating again...and then wonder if it would be better for it never to do just that.

We have our underlying goal, our supporting cast, our faithful crew, and this little marquee...and then of course the audience. This audience made up of so many who don't even know they're watching a movie at all. These audiences who simply need to respond to the cues put forth by this director.

It's like drawing blood from a stone, and the stone keeps on saying "We can't love you. It's not right. That's not how it's supposed to be." And I keep telling the stone, "But that's all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. I don't ask much. Why? Why?" And I keep trying to reason with the stone except that's awfully like talking to a brick wall but just as useless and slightly more depressing.

And I'm left sitting in the middle of the poorly lit room with mine own life in my hands staring back up at me and saying, "Hello mate, been a good run hasn't it? Pack it in now? But we got time left on the clock still, and there's nothing worse than wasting time you have yet to waste."

But I've had my moments.

And I stand on the mountain top, having weathered the storm, having beaten back the siege. I stand on this mountain top with those moments in my mind and fond recollections of opportunities gone awry. I know there will be more moments, not like the ones I've had, no, those are lost to everything but my memory. But there will be new ones, different ones, ones which will certainly be no less worthwhile to have. So I have had my moments, and I will have my moments, and though The Darkness may have me for the moment I remember those moments and they give me my light.

As the sun comes up...we fade to black.

Cue the applause.